Phony

CALLER 2: No, it's not, and what's really funny is, they never talk to real soldiers. They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and talk to the media.

LIMBAUGH: The phony soldiers.

CALLER 2: The phony soldiers. If you talk to a real soldier, they are proud to serve. They want to be over in Iraq. They understand their sacrifice, and they're willing to sacrifice for their country.

This is Rush Limbaugh. This is Rush Limbaugh probably on drugs. Any questions? Well yes there are a lot. Like how come there was a lot of outrage on the Moveon.org ad in the New York Times but there isn't for Limbaugh. Its not an acceptable answer that well, we're used to him being an idiot on oxycotin. No, because this is just as bad as Don Imus also being an idiot on the radio. Its not exactly fair to generalize a large group of troops who question our involvement and continued stay in Iraq. I was under the impression that one of the things that make us great as a nation is that our troops can question things unlike fanatical terrorists. I don't equate this with the questioning of General Petraeus' political incursion. General Petraeus was held up to a pedestal to be a neutral, unbiased look at Iraq. The man is a talented general but he isn't impartial. Look at his method0logy for keeping track of violence in Iraq. In business, its called cooking the books and you go to jail for things like that. In government, you're declared a saint. Even his commanding officer (the guy who should have been the one to report on Iraq due to this thing called a chain of command) thinks this guy is overly political and a kiss ass. The Senate passed this ridiculous bill condemning Moveon.org's ad because they're the real terrorists. This is the ad that will bring down the United States. Not the ad last fall that showed outdated Bin Laden and associates quotes with a nuclear explosion and is utterly bogus. Suitcase nuclear weapons don't exist. US News and Report did a story on it mocking 24 for making them a popular concept. They didn't condemn the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry. They didn't condemn the GOP ad against Max Cleland with Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. They call him a coward and a traitor. He lost several limbs in war fighting for America. No they condemned an ad questioning a general who threw himself into the political system. They won't condemn Rush Limbaugh either. Why? Because, its all phony. The indignation, Rush Limbaugh, and any values the GOP even stands for these days are phony.

1. Here is something you'll never hear me do again. Bill O'Reilly isn't the end all monster for what he said recently about his apparent first meeting with black people. I suspect his viewers would be just as surprised as he was about Sylvia's (A restaurant I've been wanting to go to for years whenever I can get New York because I love soul food). No, its soft racism of lower expectations. Its probably common with the older white viewership he has. What does make him a monster among a million things is that though his intent probably wasn't evil, his reaction does make him awful. He made it a partisan issue saying the liberal media is after him. I did not know soft racism was a hard concept of conservatism. For a "no spin" guy, he really is spinning out of control. He exploded on a CNN guy and apparently can't control any aspect of his persona now.

2. A speaking of racism, none of the four Republican top candidates appeared at Morgan State in Maryland. Its a traditionally black school. They did fundraisers instead. Mike Huckabee, my favorite GOP candidate, showed and was ashamed. He should be. The Republican don't even bother to try to communicate with African Americans anymore. This is the tragedy of it all. This is the so called party of Lincoln.

3. The initiative to abolish the electoral college in California has failed or rather is just dead now. Now, I have my problems with the electoral college but I think its obvious when the GOP target California what their rationale is. Try again. Texas could try?

4. A Democratic debate occurred a couple days ago. I know they're honest in their assessment that the top candidates can't get out of Iraq by 2013 but man, did you need to give the GOP ammo? Hillary had a great moment on stage when given an opinion from Bill Clinton she didn't agree with. She said she's the one standing up there not him. It was well crafted. I still want Obama to rock it out.

5. I'm really enjoying that the ACLU is helping out Larry Craig. It must be like having a separate personality. I saw this graphic recently on GOP values.
6. Okay now onto funny things. Midget Britney Spears feud!
Yeah, how awesome is that! Now midget Amy Winehouse would be awesome. Oh the possibilities.

7. Knightrider has been greenlit for NBC! Seriously, we're in a remake craze...well NBC is. They've brought back Battlestar Galactica (Which is amazing, go buy the DVDs if you know whats good for you), Flash Gordon (not so good), Bionic Woman (really good so far) and now Knightrider...David Hasselhoff is crying somewhere.

8. Madonna, Beastie Boys, John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen, and the Dave Clark Five are among the Rock and Roll hall of fame. The Beastie Boys actually opened for Madonna at one point ironically. Dave Clark Five have to make it in. If you don't know who they are, why are you listening to music?

9. Steve-O is claiming that Lindsay Lohan stole coke from him! That Lohan is crazy. She's sneaky too.

10. Review! well not really, this is more of a thank god TV is back bit. Boston Legal is a phenomenal show. John Larroquette and some smoking hot British women have joined the cast but its a unique show that has you missing Alan Shore and Denny Crane when they're away for the summer. Go watch and enjoy.

PS. I'm also glad House and Smallville are back. All readers here should be watching the new show Life as well

BLOG CIVIL WAR

One one side, Captain Scott with Rage defending American values. On the other Iron Olker, hoping that Lindsay Graham isn't our outed candidate to be and increasing Norm Coleman's numbers.

Isn't It Ironic

i·ro·ny1

Pronunciation Key- [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]
–noun, plural -nies.

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

It's interesting that I'm "the bad guy." For voting for Norm Coleman three times. Not when I was conspiring to cheat to make Joe Lieberman lose. I didn't get fatwa-ded for that because that was in fact Scott who wanted to cheat to make that happen.

So I suppose it's ok for some to cheat and not for others. Shame.

Rediculous statements, fatwas, What's next Scott? Are you going to declare there aren't any homosexuals in your and Jim's apartment?

Moving On

1. Is the birdman ready to fly?

http://http://www.realgm.com/src_wiretap_archives/42111/20060903/birdman_on_the_road_to_recovery/

2. Can you spin so hard you get racist? (My other option was, "M-Fer, bring me some racism")

http://http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20070926/tv-o-reilly-sylvia-s/

3. This is no longer timely, but it still amuses me. I miss you Scotty Evil.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aiqkDm9UoKo&mode=related&search=

4. This is Mike Gronowski's candidate. (p.s. he kinda scares me)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0rZdAB4V_j8

5. This was in my local paper. Either I don't under stand or it's completly unfunny.

http://greenvilleonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070926/OPINION/70925068/1017

Voter Fraud

In recent years, the Bush Administration's Justice Department has perpetrated the lie that voter fraud in rampant across the country. Even more galling is the idea that all this voter fraud is being committed only by Democrats. For the longest time, I thought the Justice Department was full of crap and that this was a shameless attempt to politicize the Justice Department and illegally build a Republican majority.

But as is so often the case, new information has come to light that makes me think they might have been on to something. Voter fraud is indeed happening my friends. And it takes some of the most nefarious guises as it infects our great democracy. Where is this voter fraud happening? Right here at Mr. Brooks Knocked Up Nancy Drew. You may have noticed that Norm Coleman recently overtook Lindsay Graham in our poll for which senator will be outed as gay. It turns out that Coleman has generated all these votes through the illicit multiple voting of one Robert Olker. He is attempting to circumvent the system and he must be stopped. That is why I call on all reasoned individuals to form a lynch mob. If you see this man, I'm not going to say you should kill him. But if you could make him "not alive" you will have saved America from terrorism. He is now Public Enemy #1 here at Mr. Brooks Knocked Up Nancy Drew.

$9.11

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia yesterday. This has pushed the right wing over the edge. "Presidential Candidate" and Congressman Duncan Hunter wants to cut all funding to Columbia now. Apparently, they do not have anything better to do. But this pisses me off. What makes us better than countries that we consider hostile to us? The idea that a leader of a hostile nation can come here and talk and he won't be killed. We need to keep the idea that what makes us different is that opposing viewpoints can come and talk and no harm shall be committed on him/her. Let the message speak for itself. I don't need Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly filtering it or being their own god damn talking heads. Ahmadinjad got up there and said some ridiculous things like Iran has no homosexuals. That's comedy. He got more laughs than Michael Richards. I don't think President Bush could go to Iran and speak to a group of students without there being a lot of danger. I'm sure they'd think he's an idiot too...perhaps that could bring the Iranian people and American people together. Ahmadinejad isn't all that important anyway. He's not a commander in chief or a head of state. He's more a mouth piece for a conservative agenda in his country but they do not do anything without the Ayatollah's permission and he's not doing much anymore. The message speaks for itself. Let the people decide because if they go "hey he makes a lot of sense, the Holocaust didn't happen the way it did," then our problem isn't with Ahmadinejad. Its with education. Let him go to the 9/11 site. Let him be in the photo showing what fanatical Muslims did against civilians. Let him know that our government was willing to kill a hell of a lot of people for that damage and though not wisely allocating resources (Iraq War and pretty much everything), we'll strike back somehow. Onto the list.

1. Rudy Giuliani supporters held a fund raiser that had $9.11 per person....I truly hate him. You've officially put a price on 9/11. His supporters officially cheapened it to an amazing degree. Y'know what, its no different than anything Giuliani has done so far. He has taken advantage of American sorrow. He made people think he was competent because he was punched in the face.

2. Bill O'Reilly discovered black people recently on a dinner with Al Sharpton.

O'REILLY: That's right. That's right. There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, "M-Fer, I want more iced tea."

WILLIAMS: Please --

O'REILLY: You know, I mean, everybody was -- it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all.

3. This is creepy. Paul Wolfowitz and Dick Cheney planning world domination in 1992.

4. Bill O'Reilly claims he respects dissent in the Iraq War debate. The hell you do. It wouldn't be the first time you've lied to the audience and yourself. In case you're wondering, here are the many ways that his statement is dishonest.



5. The Clinton campaign killed a GQ story. This isn't unusual really for campaigns to do this. The Bush campaign barred the New York Times reporters in 2004. Obama wanted to boot Faux News from the campaign. However, the Clinton Campaign was ferocious about it. Also not that surprising, she's got a flawless campaign going. Obama is still my guy.

6. India is outsourcing its outsourcing...whoa that just blew my mind. There is no spoon.

7. Maya Rudolph will not be back at SNL this year. The season starts in 5 days for the 5 people who still watch it. They're down to two funny women to do everything.

8. Why is David Miliband meeting with Angelina Jolie. For all of you non-Anglophiles, he's the United Kingdom's Foreign Secretary and decently powerful. I just don't get if Angelina Jolie actually has accomplished anything except adopting half the planet.

9. John McTiernan, director of Die Hard and Predator, is going to jail for four months. He apparently lied to the FBI about his hired wire tapping of a producer of Rollerball. Yes, he felt the need to wire tap Rollerball before it was cool. I think he could get away with it now because he could accuse the Rollerball of being a work of terrorism. Anyway, I hope he yells Yippee Ki Yay Mutherfucker in jail.

10. REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother and Heroes were both excellent last night. If you DVRed HIYM, watch the last 30 seconds for a reference from a much earlier episode. Heroes is back and one of my favorite characters is still alive and that makes me happy. Furthermore, Sark (from Alias) has joined the cast! Outstanding. Anyway, this more brief than usual to avoid spoilers.

PS. Foo Fighters and Collecive Soul have new CDs out. Foo Fighters are being sold everywhere and Collective Soul is on Itunes. Go by them.

Week 3 Football Roundup

Leading up to this weekend's football was an interesting range of emotions. I was hesitant, fearful, and about ready to resign myself to a terrible season of mediocre offense. Add in the fact that McNabb's August interview where he claimed that black quarterbacks are critisized more and differently than white quarterbacks, it was a bad week to be an Eagles fan. Off the bat, I just want to say that no matter what you think of Donovan McNabb you have to admit that his career has been one of the most bizarrely critisized in quite some time. So on Sunday morning when D'Jimbo came bounding out and being like "are you ready Scott!?!?" all I could do was mutter in the affirmative, put on my Dawkins jersey and head to the bar.

LIONS at EAGLES/PATRIOTS at BILLS
What a diffference an hour makes. I was enjoying the game thoroughly and D'Jimbo not so much. Before the game I told D'Jimbo that I would be happy if the Eagles put up 14 points which he had, ever so politely, informed me was not enough to beat the Lions. Well, he was right on that point. The only thing that annoyed me were the Lions fans behind us. Hugely annoying. They just kept yelling out stupid shit and mocking the Eagles. Granted, our uniforms were pretty atrocious, but come on. When you're getting throttled and your only target for smack talk is uniforms, you're really desperate. I wasn't exactly surprised but I was glad they left by halftime. After halftime we got a couple more people for our crew which meant we also started watching the Patriots game. Not nearly as interesting as the Eagles game. I won't belabor the point because I don't want to be gloating too much, but the best part of the day was the victory donut. I decided that it was only proper to buy donuts for everyone since D'Jimbo had done it last week. It was priceless to see him sitting in the corner looking out the window all by himself. I shouldn't pick on him but he called me a dipshit in fantasy so I feel perfectly justified. After that we went home and watched another game.

REDSKINS at GIANTS:
This may sound weird but I was really rooting for the Redskins here. Sure they would have been 3-0 but who cares? The Giants would have been 0-3! And thats much more important for me. One of the highlights for me was watching Jeremy Shockey drop a sure first down and possibly a touchdown. This will be a recurring theme but I really do not like Shockey and as a result I love to watch him fail. The guy is a douchebag country hick of the highest order. So any time he fails, I cheer. I also had Jason Campbell going in fantasy because its the Giants. They're giving up 40 points a game. But alas, they apparently found some life in the second half and I was disappointed. For some reason this happens to me every year in fantasy. I always have a revolving door at quarterback. I don't know why it happens but it does. Anywho, the Giants stormed back to win the game and I was disappointed. How the fuck do you manage to not put that game away? On the plus side, I look forward to taking on the Redskins again on November 11. I'm hoping they'll have collapsed by that point. The Eagles still have the Cowboys to contend with though and that fucking scares me. Which is a great segue for...

COWBOYS at BEARS:

Ah Sunday night football. I generally don't really care about SNF because its on late and its generally two teams I don't care about. Plus, even though I greatly prefer John Madden to Tony "The View" Kornheiser I still don't really like listening to him much in his later years. I still wish though that there was a feature in the Madden game where you could unlock racist Madden commentary or drunk Madden commentary. Of course, the point has been raised to me that Drunk Madden would sound an awful lot like Regular Madden. Fair point. Hmm, thats weird. The two team names are in spanish. Al Michaels informs me that its Hispanic Heritage month and the NFL is celebrating that by renaming the teams for the night. Now, I have a question. Who comes up with all these fucking heritage months? Do we really need to honor some minority/cause/movement/fungus every goddamned month? People, we are drowning in political correctness these days. And it shows because the funniest people out there make fun of political correctness. These days, being offensive is a great way to be funny. I made the comment that I'm like the Auschwitz of chicken earlier in the day. Thats a terribly offensive thing to say and yet it was funny. You know what I'm kind of sad about? I don't think South East Pacific or Asian Heritage month happens during football season. I'd like to see the NFL honor that one. Seriously, just try it. Anywho, going into this game D'Jimbo and I were pondering how many times Rex Grossman would turn the ball over. He said 3 interceptions whereas I thought 2 interceptions and a fumbled snap. I always love the fumbled snap. It always turns into a huge clusterfuck and its hilarious to watch. I turned the game off later though because it was 10-10 and a fairly boring game. I woke up however, to discover that the Bears were embarrassed and that Grossman threw 3 interceptions. Phooey. D'Jimbo was right.

Maybe I owe him another donut...

Cheers.

FANTASY NOTE:
My office league fantasy name for the previous week was the Lawnmower. Urban Dictionary describes this particular feat as removing anal beads from your partner with about the same motion and force as you would pull on the draw cord for a lawnmower. Sounds pretty intense, eh? Oh what will I come up with next week.

Everything and Nothing

This week a lot of girlfriends and wives are going to pissed off at the men in their lives. You wonder is this any different than usual?...okay fair point. But this week is a bit different. You see, Halo 3 comes out this week. I remember years ago when Halo 2 came out, CNN (yes CNN) did a story on the relationships ruined by the coming of Halo and how Halo 2 would do the same thing. Just so you know, it did. CNN did a follow up about it and Halo 2 broke people up. Halo 3 is amazing. I played the demo over the summer and it is. So let your significant others play this amazing game. I'll be playing Halo 3 but I'm single so it doesn't phase me who is pissed off at me for playing a video game. Maybe everyone should play Halo 3, girls and guys (I've never actually met a girl who plays Halo) . I've never been one to hide whatever dorky quirks I have. Its a trait I admire when people are just honest about it like my room mate Brian and his World of Warcraft. Its everything and nothing. Its also probably why I love the Anna character on the OC played by Samaire Armstrong. She's openly into comic books, video games, and odd but awesome references. Be open, play Halo, and laugh a little bit because there are people out there who broke up over Halo.

1. Rush Limbaugh confuses Bin Laden with Barack Obama. That's funny because I confuse Rush Limbaugh with a Nazi or a human sometimes. Lay off the OxyCotin, Rush. Shouldn't you have left the country because of your own beliefs that people who use drugs illegally should leave the country....I'll buy your flight tickets if you don't come back.

2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is coming! Run! Don't let him near the 9/11 site because it might make him look human and sympathetic! Give me a break guys. This whole obsession and arm chair general war talk with Iran only helps him. He isn't the head of state nor the commander in chief of Iran. That would be Ayatollah Khamenei. I think our popularity in the Middle East is equal to that dentists' preference of sugar filled gum. The more we saber rattle and declare the little man with a big head the great evil, the more we strengthen the notion if the US doesn't like him, he must be doing something right.

3. President Bush is skipping the UN talks about global warming for his own meeting on the issue. Because we've done so well with global warming...oh wait no...I'm sure he'll get a wide variety of opinions differing from his....oh also no. Its kinda like how this summer there was a Transformers movie that a lot of people saw for good reason, but there was a direct to crappy ass movie called Transmorphers which had a similar plot but was utterly cheap and crap. In case you're having problems with the analogy, President Bush's meeting is about as worthwhile as a direct to video ripoff.

4. What could make the OJ Simpson narrative more weird? James Woods claiming that Nicole Brown Simpson wanted to have an affair with him....yeah, James Woods....

5. George Clooney was in a motor cycle accident. He's fine because y'know why? Helmets. They wore helmets. The coolest guy in Hollywood wears a helmet when riding so riddle me this Ben Rothelesberger (I won't look that up to see if I spelled it right or not) why are you an idiot still?

6. According to Britney Spears' former body guard, she loves the white powder...is this shocking? Who is a bigger wreck, Lohan, Spears, or Amy Winehouse? I was reading an article and they showed back when Britney Spears as hot. I thought wow, how weird is it to see a fall like that.

7. What the hell were the Eagles wearing yesterday? I'm pretty sure the Lions secondary were blinded by it. It would explain much. It looked like a messed up UCLA helmet on crack.

8. Cubs magic number is 4 now! We actually might make the playoffs! I'm ridiculously excited and the Bears getting destroyed doesn't hurt my excitement. Also, I'm hearing that A-Rod is in talks with one of the perspective Cubs owners...honestly, that's insane. A lineup of Soriano, Theriot, Lee, Arod or Aramis, Jones, Derosa, Kendall, pitcher is the greatest lineup maybe ever.

9. There's been a huge steroids raid today across a lot of countries called Raw Deal. There's a database of athletes that use. This literally could destroy sports. It was a massive raid producing immense results.

10. REVIEW!!!!!!!! I saw 3:10 to Yuma. A remake of the Glen Ford movie, its outstanding. Russell Crowe is an outstanding actor no matter what you think of his personal life. Christian Bale is great as well. It was nice to see a movie that was a traditional western and still really enjoyable. Its dirty, its fierce, and the dialogue between Bale and Crowe is remarkable. Go see it.

That's all for now...

PS. Watch Heroes tonight! TV is back.

Its Friday I'm in Love

Ha, no not really but it is a Cure song that came on my Ipod this morning. My house lost power this morning...again. It got me thinking of random things (always a dangerous phenomena). First stop on the insanity train was the show Are You Afraid of the Dark. Yeah that's right, good times. This show had Rachel Blanchard and Elisha Cuthbert at one point. It also got me thinking about other Nickelodeon shows like Salute Your Shorts (you need to imdb such things). Salute Your Shorts was great. A lot of the people in it don't act anymore or just do stage which means they might be dead to me. Anway, Michael Bower still acts. He was donkey lips on the show. I kept hoping he wasn't acting. Like this image of an important corporate meeting he's in and a guy walks in to the meeting and realizes he was donkey lips on Salute Your Shorts. Anyone remember the girl who played Dina on it aka Heidi Lucas. Had a crush on her. She's apparently still hot and in law school. The guy who played Bobby Budnick now does voices on cartoons. And yes he was in Terminator 2 before he did Salute Your Shorts. Another show that I watched and since I have no dignity, will tell you about the Secret World of Alex Mack. Larisa Oleynik was smokin then when I around 13 years old and I still think she's hot in recent roles. Yeah, she still acts in movies. Annie Mack, the sister on the show, aka Meredith Bishop didn't do much but she was in an episode of Scrubs...yeah I know everyone is in Scrubs. Jessica Alba (hottest girl out there) was actually on 3 episodes of it. Yeah, how awesome is that. Anyway, I kinda miss the days of Rocko's Modern Life, Rugrats, Doug, Double Dare, Ahhh! Real Monsters and more. I'll probably talk about those other ones at a later date. Onto the list.

1. Okay, so I hate President Bush...yeah real shocker...well for me it is. For years, I've hated people around him but somehow felt that he as just not all that bright and was somewhat well intended. Okay that isn't entirely true, I've been remarkably pissed for awhile like since 2003. Anyway, I'll let Keith Olbermann do the talking because he's far better than I am at this and he's right on all of his points.




2. I'm in a hateful mood right now so Billo has to come next. His remarkable hatred for the ACLU is just plain dumb. Like he legitimately thinks they're a terrorist group. Yes, we shouldn't challenge the government on their attempts to curb rights. We should just accept blindly what administrations say unless they're Democratic. He doesn't get that we need groups to question things. Faux News aka GOP (Good Ole Propaganda) News Network really just sucks.



3. A Christian theatre group is really offended by Kathy Griffin's worship of her Emmy instead of thanking Jesus for everything. Because Jesus really would be responsible for reality tv. Anyway, awesome. I think this group taking a 90,000 dollar ad on Griffin does elevate her off the D-list. Once again, a Christian group doesn't have a sense of humor nor does it not recognize that it looks ridiculous with this.

4. Here is the list of top music earners over the past year.

1. The Rolling Stones - $88m

2. Jay-Z - $83m

3. Madonna (above) - $72m

4. Bon Jovi - $67m

5. Sir Elton John - £53m

6. Celine Dion - $45m

7. Tim McGraw - $37m

8. 50 Cent - $33m

9. U2 - $30m

10. P Diddy - $23m
Looking at the list, certain things up pop up. Like what year are we in? Did U2 tour and I missed them again? God damnit, I feel like Dr. Claw hunting Inspector Gadget with me trying to see U2 in concert.

5. If the Pope won't meet with Condi Rice, has she found new lows? I mean remember when people thought she would make a good presidential candidate? They even had books for it. I wonder how much they cost to buy now?

6. When do you think Ted Stevens calls it quits? Right...about the same time that Amy Winehouse stops drinking.

7. Even aliens will now know that we don't know what to do with the memory of Gerald Ford.
8. There's a Justice League movie coming! Yes I'm excited because I love the Justice League...yup proud dork. George Miller is the director apparently. He's the director behind Road Warrior and such. But Aquaman is going to be in a movie. I repeat...Aquaman...they totally should get Adrien Grenier from Entourage.

9. Who loves guns more? Giuliani or McCain? I say they settle it by combat. Good old western duel.

10. Going to see 3:10 to Yuma tonight. Review to come next week. Cubs are 9 away from going to the play offs and they're 1.5 up on the Brewers...Think good thoughts.

Ordinary World

Wow, its been longer than I thought it would but work is a bitch. Had a big project at work and at school. Anyway, I had three ideas for intros. One was about the emails that get sent to my yahoo account from Nigeria telling me that a relative has left me a ton of money and whatever. I love these scams because they're so well written but I'm thinking of pranking the guy with it and trying to pretend that I have the powers of Superman ala Smallville. The second idea was a concept I came up with (probably not all that original) about having public transportation crushes. People who you see continually on public transportation on your schedule. You kinda lower your own standards about it. Maybe you notice patterns in daily life because you're so bored. I don't know but man do I encounter the same people over and over. The last idea was a tragedy actually. I've reached that point in my life at 24 where when I have to check ring finger when checking out women. Yes, before it was the whole "are they legal?" I'm not nearly as guilty about that as some of my friends are but man is it depressing to realize you're in marriage age.....I'm still freaking out about people getting married. Anyway, onto the list.

1. President Bush said he got a B in economics 101 in college. I've always been sure he got an F in reality economics but he actually got a 71 and 72 in that class. On their scale at Yale, that's a C-. Is this how benchmarks work for Iraq?

2. Rudy Giuliani is claiming he's one of the 4 or 5 most recognizable Americans in the world. Really!? I mean really? What an ego. Let's see. Michael Jordan, President Bush, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, my god the list goes awhile before I think a kid in some foreign country thinks about Rudy Giuliani and its probably only because that kid was looking at a politicians who cross dress or marry their own cousin website. The 4 or 5 most recognizable notion doesn't make a moral judgment by the way.

3. Who told Courtney Love that "y'know what the world needs? A perfume based on you." Seriously, why is this even an idea? Who wants to smell like Courtney Love? I'm pretty sure its not teen spirit but it is cocaine....my god someone please stop Amy Winehouse from the same idea.

4. A student was tasered at a John Kerry forum as everyone has heard now. Okay, so he was rude and kind of annoying but really, did he need to be tasered. And you apparently can see the police start moving in on him when he mentioned impeachment of President Bush. We've fallen really low when impeachment concept can have the police come at you. Either way, the kid should have been escorted out for his behavior (shoving people out of the way, yelling, and etc). Not tasered. Tasering is for someone who is a threat not for a need for a power trip. On another note, I truly hate Bill O'Reilly as you've probably noticed. Billo says the kids is the wimpiest kid in the United States. He also claims to have had a taser put on him before and it wasn't so bad. I will donate 50 dollars to the show that tasers billo over and over again because apparently it isn't so bad.



5. Donald Trump's grandchild has a comb over already...weird.

6. Peter King (R-New York) says there are too many mosques in America. And these people are confused why foreign people don't understand our message of tolerance. I think there are too many Republican Congressmen from New York named Peter King.

7. So hours after a judge ordered random drug tests and alcohol tests, Britney Spears went out partying...I think she missed the point. Oh I love this narrative on who is a worse parent option.

8. Alicia Silverstone is going to pose nude for PETA. Now I can't stand PETA mainly because I think they allocate a lot of money toward causes that just make them look foolish. I don't think I've ever found any of these naked PETA photos attractive either. But really, Alicia Silverstone? That's who you get? Batgirl who had a mustache in Batman and Robin and the Clueless star when I was much younger is posing nude now? I thought she fell off the planet and popped up every so often like a comet.

9. OJ made bail at 125,000 dollars. Now, I'm shocked that he had that kind of money actually. Weren't we all supposed to believe he had no money except living expenses? Also, why is he being given bail. He had another violent crime thrown at him. He already tried to take off before in a white bronco that disrupted my playoff basketball back in the day. I'm still disgruntled. He actually theoretically could get life for armed robbery and kidnap charges amont 8 other things or something like that. OJ getting Caponed?

10. REVIEW! I saw Gossip Girl last night. Not nearly witty as the OC. In fact its fairly miserable. Though the girls (the ones of age) are really hot and all. But do we need a show about rich snobby New Yorkers who can do what they want? The thing about the OC is that it wasn't entirely known about the area and had a pleasant comedic twist to it. It also had Samaire Armstrong whom I think is the greatest. Seriously, I know its creepy but hey I don't take my self serious most of the time. This one isn't nearly as fun nor as witty. The show does keep a hippy lefty dad which I of course relate with but I don't like the show so far.

MNF Roundup

Okay, so I'm willing to bet that many of you would have thought I would not be posting this because of how the Eagles lost. Well, I'll admit that I was considering not talking about it because I was a little upset. I especially didn't want to have to deal with Redskins fans crowing about their victory. Really I can't blame them for it but they consider it more of a rivalry than I do so they tend to get a little annoying. Oh well, I will still regale you with my thinking and emotional memories from the game.

I will say right now that I have a Brian Dawkins jersey. He's a great player and he's also hilarious. Very scary guy when he's on the field and I love the fact that his nickname is "Weapon X" and that he gets his inspiration from comic books. I'm also really amused by the fact that there's a locker for "Weapon X" and that it contains all his action figures and fan drawings. This led me to wonder though if there are 53 lockers in the room. One for each player/roster spot. If there are, what happens when you get cut for the Weapon X locker? How would that feel? "Sorry Bob, but we just can't keep you. Dawkins just has too many action figures and well... they make the roster, not you. Tough break kid." I realize that this wouldn't happen but I find the idea hilarious.

I had a bad feeling going into this game and the game only made me sink into depression. I say there are three parts to that loss. 1. McNabb firing all those passes that his receivers couldn't catch. He had Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis wide open for touchdowns and threw passes they couldn't catch. Fan-fucking-tastic. 2. Wide receivers not getting open. Aside from the two previously mentioned plays, our receivers could not get open to save their lives. Who would have thought that the leading receiver (other than Westbrook) on the team would be Jason Avant? 3. Terrible playcalling. I know that Andy Reid hates to run the ball, but you've built a team that is designed to run the ball. Hulking offensive lineman, one of the most versatile backs in the league, backed up by 2 very capable big running backs. McNabb is 30 and coming back from a very bad injury. You can't put the entire game on his shoulders and throw the ball almost 40 times. 79 passing attempts vs. 42 rushing plays in 2 games? That doesn't even include the few times that McNabb has rushed, which means that the number of called passing plays is in the mid-80's (85, I looked it up). Reid has a good running game in place. For the love of God use it. During the game the Eagles kept calling play-action pass plays. There's just one problem. When you never run the ball, the other team doesn't buy it and then they crush your receivers. Andy Reid needs to stop calling plays.

Finally, the part that everyone can enjoy. I hate the MNF format. Absolutely hate it. Last year, I actually didn't mind Joe Theisman. I thought he was trying to make valid football points at times and I was willing to forgive his blatant bias. I mean, its understandable. But Mike Tirico consistently got the down-and-distance information wrong, and messed up several players' names. At least 5 errors that were not corrected per game. I counted. Then there's Tony Kornheiser. Kornheiser was pathetic last year. Beyond pathetic. He had a new fantasy player every week. I understand that this is his attempt to be the 'everyman' and that we all play fantasy football, and yes, when I'm watching football that is in the back of my mind. But to me, what I would love to hear during a game is the analysts actually analyzing the game breaking down strategy, saying whats working, whats not, and showing us things that further our understanding of football. Because thats what I want. I want to understand more fully whats going on. Finally, the last sin, which to me is the easiest to fix and the most egregious is the fucking interviews of celebrities in the 3rd quarter. The best one was Jimmy Kimmel and that was only tolerable because he was talking about grilling (future post maybe?) and asked Theisman "how's the leg?" I remember another interview with Steve McNair, via videoconference from his home, where they actually put the game in a mini-screen so we could see McNair in his recliner. I hated MNF last year and eventually stopped watching it.

This year, however, they fired Joe Theisman and replaced him with Ron Jaworski. A former Redskin being replaced by a former Eagle. The comedy is not lost on me. However, this is a fine move because Jaws is widely considered to be one of the best analysts on TV and he proved it last night actually breaking down plays during the middle of the game and deepening our understanding of what was going on. Tirico was much improved over last year, clearly and concisely delivering information as he is supposed to do and appears to have improved on down-and-distance. Kornheiser is still abominable. He actually tried to make a reference to The View. During football. He said almost nothing that actually contributed and when he left to do preparation for his PTI at halftime with Michael Wilbon, the telecast improved dramatically. I really would be happy with getting rid of Kornheiser and keeping Jaws and Tirico. He just doesn't add anything and is grating and annoying. The View! Why would you mention that fucking show during football? What the fuck are you thinking? He even tried to justify it when Charles Barkely (who wasn't half bad actually but I still want 3rd quarter celebrity interviews gone), Jaws, and Tirico all looked at him and were like "the fuck?" If you want to put Kornheiser in during half-time, fine. I'm okay with that. But get him the hell out of the booth. You ready for the sound byte? Tony Kornheiser is more brainless than John Madden when it comes to announcing football. There, I said it.

Now someone get me a turducken.

Cheers.

Week 2 Football Roundup

So in what may become a regular feature I have decided to do a weekly roundup of my thoughts, impressions, and experiances related to the games that I watched on TV over the weekend. Tangents may be involved. Also, this week was the inaugeral sports weekend for my new, amazing, 50" HDTV, which was delivered on Saturday. Happiness was in abundance.

Green Bay at New York:

Now, my Eagles lost in fairly humiliating fashion against Brett Favre and the Packers the previous week and I usually hold grudges for things like defeating the Eagles in a game. But in this game? Go Packers! My roommate (D'Jimbo) was rooting for the Giants because he is a semi-Giants fan and also has Plaxico Burress on his fantasy team. Thats fine, but I still wanted the Packers to win because the Giants are baby-killers. Thats right, you heard it hear first folks. Eli Manning needs the souls of young orphans to keep his face from scrunching up into the Manning face. The game quickly grew boring though because both offenses didn't look very good and the Giants were winning at one point. It was here that D'Jimbo and I started switching between this game and the crap fest that was Steelers and Bills. But I largely ignored that game. My one reaction though was watching Jeremey Shockey catch a short pass for a huge first down with under 2 minutes in the half to go. Then he goes and spikes the ball. But as anyone who has watched ESPN in the preseason knows, spiking the ball on a non-scoring play is a big no-no and lo and behold, 5 yard penalty, field position is sacrificed. Next play? Shockey drops a huge pass that would have put the Giants on the 2 yard line. This reinforces my view that while Shockey is extremely talented (and I can admit that) he is more of a liability because he's a locker room cancer (kind of like testicular cancer) and he commits stupid penalties on the field. Next thing I know, the Packers steamroll the Giants and they start 0-2. Yay!

Following this game, its time to head to my favorite football watering hole with D'Jimbo for the 4 o'clock games. He wants to watch the Lions game and Chris the Bears games. So we settle in for the second half of...

Cincinatti at Cleveland:
What the fuck is going on in this game? The combined score is in the 70's and the Browns are winning? What the fuck? All of a the sudden a stat pops up that says Jamal Lewis is rushing for like 160 yards at this point. Assholes! Jamal Lewis is on my fantasy team and I didn't start him! This realization horrifies me. D'Jimbo and Chris are making fun of me for this. Rightfully so, but I still want to punch them in the kidneys. The two cute girls in front us (who are wearing football jerseys) overhear our conversation and one turns around and says "Why wouldn't you start Jamal Lewis? The Bengals have never been able to stop him! Ever! Even when he was in Baltimore we couldn't stop him!" Well how the hell was I supposed to know that his prison sculpted body would be back in form and that the woeful Browns would be putting up quite a fight. Its at this point that the same girl informs me that during the 60's or something, the Bengals and Browns had a similar huge point total game. That its the instate rivalry and all that crap.

Sidebar: This girl is talking about football, instate rivalries going back decades and wearing a Palmer jersey. Now, the girl was pretty cute, a real girl next door type. But when she starts doing this, well now she's just plain hot. She's talking football. See, for some reason, a girl in a jersey gets a bump, always. Its just a hot thing to see for some reason and I know I'm not the only guy who thinks this. Add in the fact that she's talking sports and appears to be passionate and I'm sitting there thinking "wow." I'm impressed.

Well fine. I fucked up playing Jamal Lewis and I am somewhat despondent now and require a plate of wings. Lord how I love wings. This is why I go to a bar. Not to hang out with friends or even watch football, but to order a big plate of tasty wings and go to town. It has been described as "predatory" and perpetrating a "chicken genocide." I'm okay with this. Finally, the Browns game ends and my embarrassment over Jamal Lewis becomes second fiddle to the games that are on. At this point I start watching...

Chicago at Kansas City/Dallas at Miami/Minnesota at Detroit:
Chris is watching his Bears and D'Jimbo is watching his Lions and I'm kinda floating between the three. Its hilarious because D'Jimbo is the only Lions fan in our section and he comes back to inform us that the section devoted to the Lions game is a decidedly moribund place. So while nothing is happening in the Bears game D'Jimbo is alternatively yelling at the team to "wrap him up!" and "yeah! woo!" 30 people in the section and only one guy is very boisterously cheering. Hilarious. Meanwhile, the Bears are who we thought they were but I'm not quite ready to crown their asses yet (God bless you Dennis Green...). The Bears are wrapping up Larry Johnson nicely and Rex is turning in Wrecks before my eyes. This isn't a surprise though. What is a surprise is how many KC fans there are. And what the fuck is up with the guy wearing the green Boston Red Sox hat and the KC shirt? Who the fuck are you? What geographical contrivance would lead to such rooting? It could be worse though I suppose. Dude could root for the Eagles and then the St. Louis Cardinals and not be from either city. Man, that would be weird and wouldn't make any sense. Meanwhile I keep jogging over to the Cowboys game because I hate them and want them to lose. It looks like the Dolphins are doing a pretty good job of keeping them in check and I am elated. Back at the Bears game, that dude with the Sox hat is being exceptionally annoying and yelling just random shit at the screen that doesn't really seem to have much bearing on anything. Larry Johnson for 3 yards. "All day boys! He's going to bring that all day!" Bring what? A subpar rushing attack anchored by a patchwork offensive line and led by the offensive 'guru' that is Herm Edwards? What are you cheering about? Ooh! A Rex Grossman interception! Chris' blood pressure is through the roof and its hilarious.

Meanwhile, I think the Lions game has entered the phase where each team has 4 turnovers. D'Jimbo is hulking out and yelling at the small tv perched on a pillar. Nobody really seems to know who this guy is or what the hell is going on. Hilarity continues. Its at this point that I notice that Miami's Time of Possession is about 4 minutes, and Dallas' is over 15 minutes. This spells trouble. The games continue along this vein until I jog over to the Dallas game again and notice that Dallas is now CRUSHING Miami. Well, so much for the Cowboys being held in check and this providing game tape on how to deal with them. The Miami defense looks totally gassed. And who can blame them? They're on the field for like 40 minutes out of 60. D'Jimbo comments that the 'Boys are running on all cylinders. Terrifying but true. I am displeased by this notion. Finally, the Lions game, which had gone to overtime with all 10 turnovers ends in a field goal for the Lions. And D'Jimbo has finally, after over 2 years of watching football at BB, seen his Lions win while at BB. The Curse is over! Hooray! Meanwhile, Chris is happy to get out of KC with a win. We all agree that Wrecks must have nudie pictures of Lovie Smith at a gay bar because there's no other way that he could possibly still be the starting quarterback. We then head over to Krispy Kreme for a Victory donut. I get one because I'm along for the ride and Jim is paying. Mmmm... powdered strawberry filled donut... (cue drooling noises).

Back home for the next game...

San Diego at New England:
I hate the Patriots. I hate that everyone holds them up as paragons of good management (which is true) and how they make a phenomanal team out of average players. And now Spygate! Hooray! Donovan McNabb joked with the press that the only thing the Eagles can now do is go out and "get our ring back." I know he's kidding, but dammit thats funny. However, within 10 minutes, the game becomes boring because the Chargers just look like they are being outplayed. Well, I'm done with this game. Time for Madden! Madden on a 50" 1080p TV is a glorious thing. I still can't believe I bought this thing and actually have it in my living room now. The box even says "The centerpiece of your home." And boy howdy is it ever! So long as you have a line-of-sight to my living room, you can see the TV from every room in the apartment. I cruise through the playoffs and the Superbowl and finally do all my offseason stuff, which includes bumping up the difficulty. I then switch back to the Patriots game and see that the game is now a rout. Well fuckstick. This just goes to prove that the Patriots don't need to cheat to win. Either that or it shows that the team is just more creative at cheating and haven't been caught yet. Yeah, thats it. They're still cheating. Sons of bitches. Give me back my Superbowl ring! You stole Superbowl XXXIX! Time to watch Heroes. And football day ends.

All in all, I'd have to say that the best game of the day easily went to the Browns and Bengals. High scoring, upset victory, and a total "holy crap, wait what the fuck is happening?" combined with cute girls made hot by sports knowledge and football jerseys. And yet, I still feel a little sadness over the day.

Fucking Jamal Lewis...

Cheers

FANTASY NOTE:
I have decided that every week, my office fantasy team name will be a different horrible sexual Urban Dictionary Term. Week 2's term? The Cleveland Steamer. For those who don't know, the Cleveland Steamer is characterized by taking a dump on a womans chest and then titty fucking her. I will keep you all updated on my fantasy team names and their definitions as the season progresses.

Y'know What I hate....

Well its a lot of things but this is one of the repeated lines in the movie Shoot Em Up (Review to come at the end). One of the things that I actually can't stand and well...hate is the "lol," "lmao," and whatever other thing I can't translate. I love the internet. I love that it has unlimited possibility and an infinite amount of information to access. I can learn about Byzantine iconography or how MASH connects to almost every show afterwards. However, the internet has just reinforced that people do not like take the time to at least try to do decent grammar. It reinforces that we're all morons at heart and would like to sound like a baby at all times. Furthermore, the internet is really just 90% porn anyway which I'm alright with since well even in Pompeii, mass distribution of porn was a dream of civilization. But really, when I got a text message over the weekend about the "blog makes me lmao," I just rolled my eyes in disgust. So what do I do when someone gchats me or ims me and I do laugh. Its a "ha." It does not make me better really but I can delude myself into thinking so. Onto the list because its been a crazy weekend.

Oh PS. This probably me just being an old man and at 24 having another midlife crisis.

1. Did I watch the Patriots wipe out the Chargers last night? No. I watched the Emmys because I do love TV and good TV should be rewarded. Here are things that I noticed. Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Steve Carrell are just great. Daily Show took in an Emmy last night.
I feel I missed out seeing Prime Suspect:The Final Act with Helen Mirren. As the elitist, Anglophile, snob that I am, I think I dropped the ball. It took home a lot of awards and was nominated several times. Speaking of Helen Mirren, I think America is in love with her. Tell you what, she also looks good and she's exceedingly cool.
Lewis Black had a great and poignant mini routine that would have made my friend Jim just proud. His rant on why tv producers have destroyed the credits of TV shows in favor of promoting some other show was great. He is right. The people who work on TV shows deserve to be shown with their name on a full screen. Working on TV is an incredibly difficult job and a worker on a show deserves his credit instead of a preview of Survivor China.
Al Gore. Greatness that will not come into being. Man, I wish he were President.
James Spader won best dramatic actor for his portrayal of Alan Shore in Boston Legal. HUGE upset over James Gandolfini. That said, I'm happy for Spader because Alan Shore is one of those characters I wish I could be.

There's one more point but she gets her own.

2. Sally Field was really proud of her work on Brothers and Sisters. The show is amazingly boring but I've seen most of it. But she was censored last night for the line "If mothers ruled the world, there wouldn't be any god-damned wars in the first place." They cut her off at "god." Fuck you Faux. If someone got up there and praised wars, you'd keep it on. And it was you who decided to cut this because of an instant decision made by pathetic director. She didn't say vote for the Democrats. She didn't say Fuck George Bush. She didn't say anything except a desire for peace. If mothers were in charge, you're god damn right they wouldn't send their children to war. Ask your own mom. By the way, her comments are not profane by FCC standards. "God-Damn" is absolutely allowed.




3. So speaking of Faux News, Sean Hannity has admitted on national TV that Faux is an advocation network. Not just his show which I can accept his rightwing trash but he never claims to be independent, he claimed the whole network. Well that cleared things up. Faux is not a news channel but an advocation one. So they've finally admitted to pushing an agenda. Outstanding. Someone take away their press credentials.

4. I'm not terribly funny today so I'll work on it. OJ Simpson has been arrested. Holy god, bring back Judge Ito! Glove jokes! Naked Gun marathons! I actually would kill to hear how the criminal planning took place. Don't worry guys, I got away with murder, we can do this.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! They have an audio tape of him for the crime...

5. Alan Greenspan aka God of both parties says the Iraq War is for oil...its amazing how quickly the GOP turned on him. I don't entirely agree with the statement but oil did play a role. That said, Alan Greenspan is way smarter than most of America including myself.

6. Michael Mukasey is the new AG candidate...doesn't sound like Alberto Gonzales...oh wait he's a Rudy Giuliani advisor...sounds more like Bernard Kerik...honestly would you if you were the President use anyone close to Rudy after that fiasco? I wouldn't but I suspect this is a message to Rudy about a tacit endorsement. Its important for Rudy to grab Bush supporters and thus the social and neo conservatives.

7. Amy Winehouse was fighting vampires again.8. Britney Spears could lose her kids today. I can't say enough at how creepy the world we live in can be when K-Fed is considered a better parent. Then again, her VMA performance is terribly awesome in comedy value and gets a zero for judgment value.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, Britney Spears is being investigated for attempting to put a hit out on K-Fed...this is insane and pathetic

9. Fiction! I was thinking about fictional women and narrowed down to two women who can't possibly be real. One is Samaire Armstrong as she played Anna on the OC. Seriously, she's a ridiculously hot woman who loves comic books, makes and understands lots of pop culture references, can draw, and loves dorky guys. Holy god, that is fiction. Another one is Jordana Spiro as she plays PJ on My Boys. There is no hot woman that not only works for the greatest paper ever, the Chicago Suntimes, as a sports columnist, but she can talk about Chicago sports and can deal with the guys that well. She's a diehard Cub fan. Its insane. And people wonder why guys have too high standards.

10. Review: Shoot em Up is a ridiculous movie. Its what if you put Grindhouse, 300, every John Woo movie, Sin City, and Michael Bay movie into one. I'm not even kidding. There are so many hilarious violent scenes that you aren't supposed to take seriously. Clive Owen is the lead and he eats carrots and kills people. Paul Giamatti goes around killing people too because he's evil and crazy. Monica Bellucci, aka Mary Magadalene in the Passion of the Christ, is a gross lactating prostitute but god bless her, she's hot and Italian. I learned in this movie that if I eat more carrots and hate the world and be able to kill lots of people. Go see it if only to see what you can do with a carrot.

PS. Our girl of the blog Hayden Panettirere was at the Emmys in what looked liked a prom dress but hey, it'll work. Ryan Seacrest, the host, said his 18th birthday present to her was to seat her as far away as Jeremy Piven as possible.

PPS. If you can see the clip of Colbert, Stewart, and Carrell up there on the stage, do so. its great.

Cheaters and Tricks

1. As we all now know, the Patriots have been recording other teams signals. Apparently the Patriots' coach just misinterpreted what was allowed in the PATRIOT Act. The only people who should be able to know what's going on in our personal lives are god and George W. Bush (although they are not necessarily different)

2. In celebrity news (with more street cred than Chris' list) Trick Daddy was arrested in Miami.

http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.5688/title.trick-daddy-arrested-after-strip-club-fight

Apparently Trick loves the kids, but not the adults (at least those in strip clubs)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Gy8V8w0Wm0s

3. In other rapper news, Master P wants kids to stay in school. http://www.charlotte.com/200/story/277225.html

Don't forget kids, if you drop out of school your life will be terrible. The best you could possibly hope for without a high school diploma is to be one of the highest paid people in entertainment.

4. For those of you who don't know, or who didn't read the above article, Master P's son's name is Romeo (formerly Lil Romeo). I only bring this up because Romeo, back in his Lil phase, did one of my favorite covers (samples?)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kuuUXnhfQGI

5. As Chris said, we have been watching Freaks and Geeks. It's fun to watch partially because it's actually a really good show, but also because it's crazy to look at all of the stuff the cast has done since the show.

6. Clemson is now 2-0 with a game coming up tomorrow against the Furman University Paladins. I have heard rumore that Furman used to be the Christian Knights instead of the Paladins. This woul dmake the abbreviation for Furman University Christian Knights quite humorous and inappropriate (F.U.C.K.) I don't know if this is true, but I have heard it from reliable sources and it amuses me.

Moira Kelly (Hakuna Matata, bitches)

You may be wondering why in God's name did I title my post after an obscure actress? Well so am I but such is life. Actually I'm not wondering, Moira Kelly (1 season Mandy Hampton West Wing girl) was in the Lion King (Which has an amazing cast that I never thought about until now). Robert (fellow blogger) and I were watching the President speech last night and were mocking him by saying that his advisers give him updates on Iraq via scenes from the Lion King. I kinda got the impression of Hakuna Matata, bitches. It was a ridiculous speech filled with things promised years ago about Iraq and it became more and more apparent that there really isn't a plan for Iraq. He's going to wait it out and act like no worries. Then when a Democrat has to pull out, it'll be all the liberal people's fault. Hakuna Matata Bitches.

1. I'm finding that Fred Thompson doesn't have an opinion on much except for vague ideas that I think every presidential candidate supports except for Newt Gingrich. I mean wanting an united country is a bit cliche now that Obama did that years ago. I want to see that guy (Gingrich) who says I want a divided country and I want to poison people.

2. Why do people think the GOP wants to talk to minorities? Why did they cancel their forum at the black college? I think you know the answer. The GOP Univision debate is canceled. Really, is that shocking? Its a group of rich, white, and Christian males who belong to a party that loves rich white people.

3. So celebrity news early today because its hilarious and disturbing. What the hell did Courtney Love do to her lips? Earlier last month, Amy Winehouse fought a vampire or werewolf (see previous post about her battle damage). Now she looks like something from a horror movie.4. Holy god, OJ back in the news! Apparently, he's being questioned in a hotel room break in in Vegas. The room apparently had lots of sports memorabilia. He is a suspect.

5. So I did not watch High School the Musical 1 or 2 but apparently Vanessa Hudgens did some nude photos and is in constant repentance. She's canceling appearances and such. Y'know you DUI and then you go on media parade. You take nude photos and you might as well killed someone.

6. As if I needed another reason to watch baseball, Alyssa Milano is going to do some MLB reporting. Bring on the "Who's the Boss" jokes!

7. You may be asking what is this photo? That would be Sting from the Police hiding from cameras as he left a famous German brothel. Maybe visiting Roxane!? Oh the Roxane jokes are great. Maybe learning new yoga techniques? So much for the happy married rock star who probably could get every girl on the planet but was happy with his wife.

8. Britney Spears is in talks with the Emmys to apologize for giving an almost infinite amount of jokes about her VMA performance.

9. Okay personal bitching time. I love Jolly Rancher screaming sours. They're amazing. Unfortunately, half the bag is cherry flavored. Seriously, I like the cherry flavor but it doesn't compete with watermelon, orange, or apple. What gives?

10. Review coming later. I'm seeing Shoot em Up tonight.

PS. Happy Birthday Lauren. Everyone's present to Lauren would be to punch or mock publicly a person wearing those god awful crock plastic shoes.

The Coming Apocalypse

Though he might not realize it, fellow blogger Chris has raised a very important issue. It is an issue that we must all give some thought and consideration too for it affects us all. If we don't deal with this global issue, it won't matter who's from what country as we'll all be in the same boat. I, of course, speak of the looming and disastrous (or disastrously looming) Zombie Apocalypse.

If you've seen the movie 28 Days Later you know what the Zombie Apocalypse could look like. Alone in the ruins of a once great civilization having to survive by nothing more than your wits and several thousand rounds of ammunition. Food and water become a scarce commodity because going out requires avoiding the zombies. And make no mistake, they will find you. And you will have to fend them off. Some of them could even be your neighbors. The truly terrifying part about 28 Days Later as compared to other zombie documentaries is that these zombies are fast sons of bitches. Usually zombies are filmed as slow movers, shambling inexhorably forward in their search for human flesh. Not so in 28 Days Later. They sprint forward with reckless abandon, arms flailing behind them. However, these zombies have a weakness which other zombies appear to lack. These zombies can be killed through conventional means, and do not require the destruction of the head to defeat. This makes automatic and semi-automatic weapons more effective against the sprinters.

This also brings us to the point of proper equipment. Unless facing sprinters, automatic weapons are useless. Normal zombies can only be killed through destruction of the brain or removal of the head. Thus, anything that is not a headshot represents a waste of valuable ammunition. Thus, it is recommended that you get a high powered, single action rifle. The M1 Garande is a great choice but any good hunting rifle could do in a pinch. Generally, when battling the undead, it is extremely unwise to engage them in hand-to-hand combat as it is relatively easy for a zombie to infect you with zombie-ism. But in a full scale Zombie Apocalypse, such situations may be unavoidable and thus it is suggested that you carry a simple machete. Others may prefer something larger or heavier because they want to show off. But when fighting the undead, surviving is more important than impressing the ladies. Besides, the ladies are probably all zombies anyways.

If you can swing it, you should attempt to acquire full riot gear from a police station or military base. Access to such equipment would give you the edge in keeping zombie bites off of you. Finally, and this may sound morbid, but it is imperative that you carry a sidearm. Any good pistol will do. The purpose of your sidearm is 2-fold. In the event that you run out of primary ammunition, the sidearm may be used to finish off any last zombies that have gotten close. Remember, sidearms have limited range and should be used in that fashion. Second, your sidearm is there for you. Should you be overwhelmed, or bitten by a zombie, it is important that you save one round of ammunition for yourself. You do not want to become one of them and then assist the extinction of the human species. For the sake of all those that you care about, you must not join the ranks of the undead.

A subject that I have been pondering is location. Where to hide during the Zombie Apocalypse. I have thought about desert oases but I am not sure this is a good option. My preferred location for making fortifications would be a flat plain of some type or perhaps a mountain top. I want to see the zombies coming from afar to better take advantage of my long range rifles. Remember, zombies are slow and clumsy creatures so when you have built your fortifications, trenches filled with spikes will be important as they will slow the progress of the zombies and the sprinters. This will give you valuable time to pick off zombies before they are able to breach your defenses. Also, always make sure that you have access to food. This is crucial because without strong access to food, you will eventually have to move. It may not be possible to grow crops so you must be prepared to make forays into towns to raid the grocery stores. Groups will survive better and if possible, obtain motorized transport. This brings us to a final point on location: have an escape plan. You must plan for the eventuality that zombies will breach your defenses so you must be prepared to flee. Everyone must be involved in drills on the escape plan.

Also, there is strength in numbers. Though it is human nature, avoid the desire to descend into factionalism and warlordism. If you find survivors attempt to bring them into the fold. Everyone has a skill that they can contribute to the community.

The Zombie Apocalypse is coming and we must be ready. Who will join my crusade of vigilant zombie observers? Who will stand against the coming tide of undead?

Who will survive?

Cheers.

Zombies

You know things are bad when things that should have us pissed just seem like the norm. Mike McConnell lies to Congress...oh its okay, we're used to it. The Administration cooks the books on Iraq and isn't remotely accurate by several accounts, its okay we're used to it. Don't be a zombie, get pissed off. Expect better.

1. I love the Daily Show



2. Speaking of Zombies, courtesy of Adrienne, Pittsburgh is having a zombie walk and they're doing this with their own free will...not because of pollution like I originally thought.
Zombie Walk

3. Al Franken is within 5 points of Norm Coleman in the senate race in Minnesota. That's 5 points closer to seeing Bill O'Reilly's head explode...O'Reilly is under a lot of stress these days since recently Keith Olbermann is giving him a run for his money in ratings.

4. An utter crap list for top movie super heroes list. There's a reason we kicked your ass in the Revolutionary War.
I'll have a list soon

5. "Socialized medicine killed the Vikings." You think this is just me being me and saying absurd things for fun. Nope, my professor last night said this. It also killed the radio star. I'm making that part up.

6. Ja Rule doesn't think MTV should show gay people. They should be kept in the bathroom...also making that last part up...or am I?

7. Donald Rumsfeld has always slept well and doesn't have nightmares according to GQ. His strategy is to lack planning before going to bed and becoming entrenched in a civil war between his pillows, his comforter, and sheets. He also has a healthy dose of baby bone marrow before every nap.

8. Mark Warner announced his candidacy for the senate in Virigina. Rock on! Plus, we'll always have a Warner in the seat.

9. Do you know how the Britney Spears come back could have been greater? I do or at least it literally could have happened this way. Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears could have all been on the stage at once! Oh man that would have been hilarious. My dream concert right now is Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, and Britney Spears all on stage at once and seeing which one is able to stand straight.

10. Review Time: I have a confession. I didn't watch Freaks and Geeks when it was on and now I regret it because it is awesome. If you liked Superbad and/or How I Met Your Mother, you have to go buy this DVD set. I also have a crush on Linda Cardellini in it. Its almost on the level of Samaire Armstrong. Anyway, the series is really funny and really gets highschool. Furthermore, I think my mom went to the highschool it takes place.

They're Here, They're Queer, So You Better Not Tell

With the revelation that Larry Craig is gay we can all laugh and feel pity for a man that is such a caricature. At the same time, Larry Flynt is threatening to reveal that another member of the Senate is actually gay. So I says to myself, I says "people are wondering who it is. Hey look at that, Lauren has suggested a poll." And poof! Like God bringing light to creation, I shall bring a poll to the masses! You may now vote on our new poll for which senator you think Flynt will out. You have six options. Well, 5 real ones and then one that I just hate and want to see humiliated. Your options are:

Lamar Alexander R-LA: This man knew that the page scandal of Mark Foley was going on.

Sam Brownback R-KS: His miraculous conversion is a little suspect.

Norm Coleman R-MN: I don't have a clever bit here but a homeless dude told me he blew him once for $20. Thats totally fact and I'm definitely not making it up.

Lindsay Graham R-SC: Dude's name is Lindsay. I'm satisfied.

Mitch McConnell R-KY: You ever wonder why they didn't want him as Minority Leader?

Joe Lieberman I-CN: Because I hate him.

Although we don't have a date for when Larry Flynt is going to out a senator, we will end the poll on October 1st. Cast your votes and be heard!

UPDATE:
The reason why only Republican senators are listed is due to the fact that Flynt is outing a Republican. Flynt's goal is to out senators who vote very strongly anti-gay when they, in fact, are gay. He's pointing out hypocrisy. And Lieberman is technically an independent who caucuses with the Democrats. That selection is out of spite. Heavily so.

Football!

In what should come as a surprise to no one, football season has finally returned. I now get to spend my Sunday afternoons in a poorly lit bar yelling at a large tv with dozens of people dressed numbers that I recognize. Number 20, Brian Dawkins. Number 93, Jevon Kearse. Number 36, Brian Westbrook. And of course, number 5, Donovan McNabb. I have spent the last 7 or so months watching football shows and reading football news. When training camp started, I hung on every word. When the Eagles cut Jeremiah Trotter, I was shocked and confused. But when kickoff happened, I knew that the next few months were going to be great. No longer would I be consigned to paying attention to what players were doing in their free time, which typically involved dog fighting, drugs, DUI's and "making it rain." Now I could watch things like the Eagles muff two punts to give the game to the Packers (Boo!) or Randy Moss announce authoritatively that he was back (Bitches).

The beginning of football season was marked by several auspicious events that were more like signs from on high. First, Madden 08 came out. Watching the commercials announcing its impending arrival was a hell of a marketing campaign. Then came my first fantasy draft. Two fantasy leagues and I get the last pick in both of them. Either way, picking these players signified that soon, oh yes soon, they would be doing something. And then I saw one of the best sports commercials ever from Nike. Calm down Chris. One of the best sports commercials not featuring Michael Jordan. Happy?

Its only week 1 and the season is yet early, but why do I get the feeling that something is missing? See, football is like any other great sport in that it has its heroes and villains. And as I look about the league I see plenty of heroes, but few players who resonate with me as villains. Michael Vick? Well, he's going to jail. Randy Moss? Seems to be a pretty good team player so far. Ah but the trump card, Terrell Owens. Nope. Still not seeing much of a villain. Owens has gone and confounded the league by staying mostly quiet over the offseason. I mean, in a recent interview the son of a bitch had the audacity to actually show contrition and humility. Dammit, thats not fair! You're not supposed to learn from your own selfish idiocy! He even said that he regrets things he did while feuding with McNabb and said that McNabb was one of the best players he ever played with. Dammit! This is essentially like Michael Vick running into a burning PetSmart and rescuing 1,000 adorable puppies, even the kinda gimpy one. I figure that the number has to be pretty high and thus I'm setting the over/under for "How many puppies Vick must save to redeem himself in the eyes of the public" at about 1,000.

See, football fans not only thrive on the success of their own team, but also on the failures of their rivals. But for the past several years, my divisional rivals haven't really been scary. Last season the Eagles ended Bledsoe's career by sacking him 7 times in one game. The Redskins are generally seen as the prime example on how NOT to run a football orginazation, though to be fair they are better than Cleveland and Oakland. And the Giants? Well hell, nothing the Eagles could ever do would hurt much more than their own backstabbing and pettiness against each other. So its only Week 1 but I still really want a villain that I root against.

Oh, you remember those auspicious events I was talking about earlier? Well one of them was the intro movie to Madden 08 that unveiled the NFL's theme for the upcoming season. I find it strangely fitting for this upcoming season. And it also makes me wonder who wants to be my villain for the season? Who wants to be booed endlessly? Who wants to be burned in effigy?Who wants it more?Cheers.

UPDATE:Not only does football give us heroes and villains to direct our energy at but it also gives us tragedy. My sympathies and thoughts go to Kevin Everett and his family. On Sunday, Everett, TE of Buffalo, was involved in a hard hit that caused a cervical spine injury and has probably left him paralyzed for life.

UPDATE: Kevin Everett has regained voluntary movement in his arms and legs and doctors now say he will be able to walk again. This is great news that every sports fan can truly appreciate.

Character

So I was bored when I shouldn't be and I was thinking about pop culture characters that I somehow relate to in some way. Now for the first time in the history of this blog and therefore legendary, a list within a list. My little scrap sheet of characters probably says a lot about me or it might not. You should make a list too. There is no order of importance...it was more me trying to avoid thinking about what I was supposed to be doing.

1. Hanky Moody from Californication
2. Edmund Dantes from Count of Monte Cristo (Yes that's where the name is from)
3. Ari Gold from Entourage
4. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother
5. Sam Seaborn from the West Wing
6. Seth Cohen from the OC
7. Nick Naylor from Thank You for Smoking
8. Alan Shore from Boston Legal
9. Jeb Bartlett from the West Wing
10. Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report

Yeah weird huh and that was me bored in a meeting. If agree or disagree, okay. Now onto the real list.

1. Did Joe Lieberman really just ask General Petreaus if we could invade Iran yet? Its like a kid asking to go the candy store. I mean really, we haven't done particularly well in two concurrent wars. Third time is a charm? Maybe we can find we can go lower in the minds of the Middle East? Faux News has started claiming that a bombing strategy is already being created. Thank you Faux News. You don't like talking about current wars because that wouldn't support that agenda of yours so talk about future ones.

2. Larry Flynt is set to out a closeted gay Senator who consistently votes against gay rights. I have to admire the guy. I mean, his magazine isn't for everyone but his belief that leaders shouldn't be hypocritical is great. We've all got money on who he's going to out.

3. 1 in 3 Americans thinks Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks....yeah I know...

4. 60 percent of American Newspapers use a majority of conservative columnists...Yeah take that liberal media...oh wait...they're just trying to counterbalance that reality has a liberal slant.

5. The White Stripes have canceled the rest of their tour because of a health problem for Meg. I can hear my brother's emo tears.

6. Sharon Osborne is accusing Courtney Love of giving Jack Osborne OxyCotin when he was 15. He should have to wait till he's 18 or when he's a right wing radio personality who thinks everyone who does drugs should be kicked out of the country. Anyway, why was she letting her kid near Courtney Love? I mean really, she's proto Amy Winehouse.

7. Jodie Sweetin, aka Stephanie on "Full House," is pregnant...yup MILF

8. The Patriots have been accused of cheating...again. Apparently, they put a spy on the other sideline of New York Jets. Its totally like Nixon trying to spy on the Democratic Party way back when. Seriously, the Pats probably are the best team regardless of cheating but really...I mean really? Punishment should be heavy nevertheless

9. How many Orioles are on steroids? No, seriously.

10. Courtesy of Lauren. Her name is Misa. I have a Corgi back home named George aka Corgiman. Lauren was just a making me homesick.

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

Did you miss us? I'm hearing about someone who was angry we hadn't updated in awhile. Well, okay. Post comments because I'm learning that there are people who read this blog and I had no idea until they told me. Now back to business. Today is the 6th anniversary of 9/11. I had intended to do a piece on characters yesterday and was destroyed by work load so that'll happen tomorrow. But today, today is 9/11. I'm tired of hearing that President Bush was a hero or Rudy Giuliani was a hero. They were not at all on that day. Mayor Giuliani only looked it because he had no where else to go because he placed his command center against all common sense in the largest terror target in the city, the World Trade Center. So what did he do, he ran to the cameras to hide his culpability and build a myth. No, the real heroes wasn't the President who didn't know what to do nor was it the Mayor who ran to the cameras like the drama queen he is. The heroes of 9/11 were the first responders who ran into the fire to save people with equipment that was poorly made on account that their Mayor bought incompatible communication equipment from someone who donated to his campaigns. Against all odds, they did their job when the Mayor and President didn't do theirs. And the fact that Rudy Giuliani and President Bush campaigned or are campaigning taking credit for being heroes on 9/11 is disgusting. The audacity of launching the Iraq War on the backs of those who sacrificed themselves for others on 9/11 is just as atrocious. Onto the list

1. Last night, Keith Olbermann said that Faux News was worse than Al Quaeda. The right wing blogosphere is in an uproar what they don't tell you is that Olbermann was using Colin Powell's logic for that claim. Colin Powell said Al Quaeda could knock down buildings, kill Americans, but they couldn't change us. Only we can change us. Fox News for what its worth which is very little has changed us though. It has made propaganda more acceptable than its ever been. So Colin Powell is right he's of course late again on his protest.

2. Republican Congressman James Walsh has come back from Iraq demanding a withdrawal. David "Saint" Petraeus' testimony hasn't helped his opinion either. Its nice to hear Amazing Grace when James Walsh talks. I don' t think Petraeus has convinced anyone on Iraq except for base supporters of the GOP. I also can't recall when an active general has come back from an American occupied territory and told people he was doing a shitty job.

3. Larry Flynt isn't done with David Vitter. He's going to unveil more of Vitter's love for hookers...yay family values wassup!

4. Nas is at war with Bill O'Reilly...I hope this works as well as his war against Luda or his boycott of France. O'Reilly tried to claim he had an effect on the French economy with a study from a magazine that doesn't exist. France's economy did just fine in fact it did better during his boycott. Can I take credit since I made it a point to buy French things during it? Oh here is Nas' quote.
"Everybody has a marketing plan; his marketing plan is racism. "It just shows you what bloodsuckers do: they abuse something like the Virginia Tech [tragedy] for show ratings. You can't talk to a person like that."

This is in response to O'Reilly targeting him for doing a concert dedicated to the victims of the VA Tech massacre. O'Reilly didn't target Dave Matthews or anyone else there...apparently he couldn't find anything to pick on in the song Crash. I hate Bill O'Reilly....

5. Oh my god. The Russians have a version of Married with Children...how great is that? And its helping public diplomacy abroad in Russia. Let's have Married with Children all over the world! Farsi Married with Children would be awesome.

6. The title for the new Indian Jones is out! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...almost sounds like Attack of the Clones...I don't care I'll see it even if Shia LaBeouf looks goofy...Can someone tell me how to pronounce his name? Also who said it was a good idea for him to try to grow facial hair? Was it you Brian Evans?

7. Britney Spears' comeback was amazing....ly bad...oh how awesome it was (.......................) this awesome. She looks terrible and apparently was getting drunk in rehearsals and late all the time. Plus her lip syncing was off and everything was pretty much terrible... How hot is it that she can't stand straight?

8. I'm really looking forward to Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story. Its the same guys who did 40 Year Old Virgin and it has John C Reilly. He's the good Reilly and he's always good in movies. Its a spoof on Walk the Line which could be great.

9. Keira Knightley is two faced. At least she's still hot in magazines.
10. REVIEW! Life is a show that has Winters from Band of Brothers and Sarah Shahi (She's easily in my top ten celebrity women (ungodly hot). Winters aka Damian Lewis (his real name) plays a cop who was put in jail for murder for 12 years before being found innocent. His law suit with the city gave him pretty much unlimited money. He's back as a detective as part of his settlement. He's kinda crazy in a House type of way with Buddhism and cynical humor. I loved it. The show is remarkably good for its pilot.

The Natural

Sports has had the crap kicked out of it this summer. Barry Bonds, Michael Vick, gambling NBA ref, and etc have really brought down the morale of fans. I love sports. Its part of my personality to follow as many things as I can. I love baseball, football, basketball, and even hockey and this summer has been rough. Let me preface this point I'm going to make by saying, I hate the St. Louis Cardinals in baseball. I'm a Cub fan I can't help it. But Rick Ankiel of the Cardinals was the shining spot of a summer of really bad news. In 2000, he was a star pitcher on the rise and then he flamed out. He melted down in the playoffs of that year. A year later he was still unable to control his pitches. In 2002, he had tommy john surgery (a death sentence in baseball injury). He was never expected to return. And he didn't as a pitcher, by 2006, he had become an outfielder. He hurt his knee and wasn't able to play in the season. 2007 saw a pathetic Cardinals coming off a World Series win. So many problems between a pitcher dying in a DUI, their manager being arrested for a DUI, and a player leaving to deal with substance abuse, the Cardinals started at the bottom. Last month, they gave a chance to Rick Ankiel to play in the outfield. He has been extraordinary. The Cardinals are back in the race. Ankiel has been hitting the cover off the ball. And then a report has come out recently that Ankiel had taken a year's supply of Human Growth Harmone in 2004. Now keep in mind that it wasn't made illegal till 2005 but now, Ankiel has the shame of Barry Bonds on him. His un(Natural) accomplishments are now tainted. In the NFL, they're suspending a lot of players for HGH. It is cheating. So Rick Ankiel's story is looking less like the movie the Natural and more like the book that the movie is based on. Onto the list.

1. Saw this on wonkette and it made me a laugh as we continue onward with Larry Craig jokes until he leaves next month. I think this picture could be used to scare children at night.


2. Rudy Giuliani sucks. I can't stress this enough.





3. Pete Doherty has been giving his cat cocaine...seriously, he has a cracked out cat and I'm not talking about Kate Moss. He even made a special pipe for the cat. We now know what a cat on crack is like. Apparently, cat tries to fly, sleeps with its paws in the air while on his back, and attacks people....so its Amy Winehouse.

4. Hugh Hefner claims he has sex several times a week...well, wouldn't you if you were him? Hell, I understand how he's in such great shape.

5. Larry Wachowski of the famous directing fame has emerged from his sex change. He's going by Lana now...if you didn't think the second Matrix movie didn't make him seem weird, this pretty much does it. Apparently, he's now a lesbian too...seems like a lot of work to put in to make it clear you like women.

6. There are few celebrities who get my blood boiling. Madonna is one of them. I can't stand her. I can't stand her faux British accent. I can't stand how she desperately needs spotlight whether its Kabaala or adopting all of Africa or its her overall snobiness. Mind you, I'm a snob too but her whole "I don't let my kids see any media because they might see me on tv and figure out I suck bit" is annoying. Well onto the point of the 6 spot, child services have visited her from nation of Malawi. I'm kinda curious on what that's like. I'm on the premise that she's adopting this kid to get him away from an impoverished nation so what exactly are child services to Malawi?

7. Drew Barrymore and the Mac Guy Justin Long are hooking up....she was doing crack when he was born...not quite, they're actually only like 3 years apart..how weird is that? I think Justin Long still plays highschool students in movies. He may have upgraded to college kid as of late. PS, I almost accidentally did a post on how Justin Long and Drew Barrymore were in Die Hard movies but it turns out its another Barrymore named Dru, no relation. Dru Barrymore was in Die Hard 2 and now does porn apparently. Justin Long was in Live Free or Die Hard....tragic, I almost had a brilliant connection.

8. I'm trying to weigh whether I'll ever watch the MTV Awards and watching Britney Spears flop on stage as she opens it up this year....its not likely but I do want now if that's the train wreck everyone is sure it is.

9. Colts smashed the Saints last night...so...the Saints, who were smashed by da greatest team ever da Bears in the playoffs last year, can't play good teams...good to know.

10. No review today. I bought a box of heroclix, oh you bet I'm that dorky, and I'm enjoying those. Also go out and watch football this weekend for god's sake.

PS. Happy Birthday Brian and Anthony.