Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The rules are simple. We have three categories of people. Music celebs, TV and movie celebs, and professional sports celebs. Through the dedicated work of our crack team of Fun-gineers (ie. Chris) we have come up with 5 names in each category. You pick a name from each category, and that is your first person to die in that category. Then, you pick one person from among your category winners. That person is your choice to be the first of the fifteen to die. Now, some of you may have others on your mind that you think are going to kick it first, and thats okay. You may pick someone not on the list, but they have to die from self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could not have picked Charleton Heston because he was old. You also can't pick someone with cancer or anything like that. They have to die because they are a total fuck-up. Additionally, your person must fit into one of the three categories. I'm banning Paris Hilton because she doesn't have a career, she just pretends she does. I haven't decided what you'll win yet, but I am totally willing to put money on this. Make your selections in the comment section. Now, on to your lovely contestants!
Pete Doherty: I think one of my department's interns put it best. Every picture you see of Pete Doherty is at some weird time and he's on coke or crack or smack or some other concoction that really doesn't belong in your body. Its only a matter of time before he OD's or gets involved in a drug dispute.
Blake Fielder-Civil: Ah yes, the husband of Amy Winehouse, who is currently in jail. You would think that being in jail would make him less likely to be on this list, but you would be wrong! If I remember correctly, he was put on suicide watch because he tried to hang himself, and he's still getting tons of drugs. Does he make it through his prison term?
Amy Winehouse: Because the couple that fucks up its life together, is the couple that dies together. Seriously, how many pictures of this chick have you seen where she looks like she's on crazy pills? About a billion? Lets go with about a billion. Hell, they wouldn't even let her in the United States to attend the Grammy's because she's so drugged out of her mind. And we love drugs here in the US! How is that possible? I'm personally saying within 6 months.
Britney Spears: Now, I know it seems like she's gotten her life together, but how long can she keep that going? How long before she has a relapse? How long before she accidentally eats one of her own children? This little tale will either end in a police stand-off or a murder-suicide pact. Either way, its going to be all over the news.
Keith Richards: The man has defied the odds for who knows how many decades but how long can he keep doing it? I mean, for God's sake, he looks like Skelator! Even he knows he's living on borrowed time. So when do the decades of drug use finally catch up with our wily veteran?
I'll admit, I was half tempted to put Tupac on this list. We all know he's not really dead. He's just hiding and biding his time.
Lindsay Lohan: Firecrotch is burning through men at about the same speed she's burning through bottles of Everclear and DUI's. I'm guessing that the way she goes is she drunkenly takes a header off of someone's beach house into a as-yet-unfillled pool. That way we get one last bikini spread of the former Mean Girl.
Robert Downey Jr.: Once again, we got someone who has, by all appearances, turned his life around. But once he's between projects, or just a little bored, how long before he starts hitting the sauce or other, more illicit, substances and slams his car into a building. Personally, I'm rooting against this one because I want there to be an Ironman 2. Nobody ever said that my reasons had to be altruistic or value human life or blah blah blah.
Mischa Barton: She had one good role ever and then got herself kicked off the show because she was a bitch and a problem to deal with. I'm guessing that she gets strangled by someone who's defense will be "the bitch deserved it." At which point the judge will shrug his shoulders, agree, and everyone goes home. And another forgettable TV starlet fades away.
Owen Wilson: He's severely depressed and tried to kill himself. Plus, have you seen his nose? That right there is something to be depressed about. Also, he keeps having roles in Wes Anderson films and that has just got to fuck with your mind.
Heather Locklear: Yeah, I'll bet you didn't see this one coming, did you? Apparently, last year, she attempted to commit suicide and her therapist had to call the police last year to stop her. It never really got any play in the media because they covered it up. Its hard to age gracefully for some people. But if I were a betting man (and I am), I would say that a stalker from her Melrose Place days finally gets close enough.
This is actually my favorite category. In the previous two categories its been a question of who is going to kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. In this category its a question of who forces the police to kill them with bullets. Hey, every good contest needs a splash of violence, right?
Adam "Pacman" Jones: This guy is one of your world-class fuck-ups. He was banned from the NFL for a year because he committed so many crimes. And lets not forget that he decided to "make it rain" in a strip club, which then resulted in a gun battle taking place. He's a ticking timebomb that is likely to get killed outside a strip club at 3am.
Chris Henry: This particular gem has been arrested 5 times since he entered the NFL in 2005. Almost all of those arrests have been for violent crimes such as assault and drawing a gun on a college student. He was just recently arrested again for assault and during his bail hearing the judge called him a "one man crime wave." As a result, the Cincinatti Bengals cut him from the team. Violent tendencies plus nothing to do? I smell chalk outlines.
Jose Conceco: How about Jose? He's the single most hated man in all of baseball right now. Not only that, but there are rumors that he's made some rather bad business deals with gentleman who may or may not hail from Sicily. I'm just saying. The rules for Conseco might have to be a bit different. If he randomly disappears and stays disappeared for about 3-5 months, I'm willing to say he's been fitted for a pair of cement shoes and dropped off a pier.
Allen Iverson: Not only is he a gangsta' rapper, but he's also got a somewhat violent past from his time in Philadelphia. He's another poster boy for his past catching up to him. While he has kept his nose clean recently, it is hard to give up a lifetime of bad associations and bad decisions. Plus he's being sued for a 2005 brawl. Brawls never go away.
Ron Artest: Malice in the Palace! Ron Artest is probably the craziest motherfucker in the NBA. He's probably going to get shanked sooner rather than later. He's unpredictable, he's tempermental, and he probably doesn't back down. I predict death by stabbing, actually.
So there you have it folks. Those are our 15 contestants. Make your choices known in the comments section and watch your newspaper.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Ladies and Gentlemen - I'm only going to talk to you just for a minute or so this evening. Because...
I have some very sad news for all of you, and I think sad news for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love peace all over the world, and that is that Martin Luther King was shot and was killed tonight in Memphis, Tennessee.
Martin Luther King dedicated his life to love and to justice between fellow human beings. He died in the cause of that effort. In this difficult day, in this difficult time for the United States, it's perhaps well to ask what kind of a nation we are and what direction we want to move in.
For those of you who are black - considering the evidence evidently is that there were white people who were responsible - you can be filled with bitterness, and with hatred, and a desire for revenge.
We can move in that direction as a country, in greater polarization - black people amongst blacks, and white amongst whites, filled with hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as Martin Luther King did, to understand and to comprehend, and replace that violence, that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort to understand, compassion and love.
For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and mistrust of the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I would only say that I can also feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man.
But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to get beyond these rather difficult times.
My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He once wrote: "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence and lawlessness, but is love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black.
(Interrupted by applause)
So I ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, yeah that's true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love - a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke. We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times. We've had difficult times in the past. And we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; and it's not the end of disorder.
But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings that abide in our land.
(Interrupted by applause)
Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people. Thank you very much. (Applause)
Robert F. Kennedy - April 4, 1968
John McCain voted against MLK Day in 1983 so you know
andHappy Birthday Olker.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Last night was amazing TV. This is not April Fool's. Let's start with Greek. I love this show mainly because its great for a large audience. The major storyline of this episode of Greek is the Great Gatsby Party where the Dean is there. I love the retro story of the Prohibition era attempting to dodge authority due to having alcohol. The lead characters are holding two parties one which is dry and just a front and the downstairs which is a speak easy. All of them are in costume and I thought it was just hilarious that this storyline can be used on college campuses now. Now for the best moment...its legendary! Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off is the dean! I leaped out of my seat as Ashleigh has a conversation with Cameron (I don't care about the actor's name nor his name on the show) about how Ferris Bueller is the the Great Gatsby of our generation! I got so excited about this it was sickening. I sickened myself! I know, it should happen more often but doesn't.
Now for the second great moment of TV last night, How I Met Your Mother is the funniest show on TV when the Office isn't around and at times it does give it a run for its money. Last night was a great episode but what made it amazing was at the end of the episode NPH (Neil Patrick Harris to the uninformed) did a Doogie Howser computer segment ending with "what I learned about myself is....I'm awesome." I seriously was cheering as I watched the dvred episode.
1. Now I'm kinda pissed, I caught part of the Daily Show last night. Jon Stewart is money but he had a great segment how success in the Iraq is when violence is rising and when its falling according to the White House apparently. Its kinda funny when you see the clip. But it made me angry because the White House is still full of shit. I honestly am horrified that there are people who think things will be different if they voted for McCain. He's exactly the same. Around 30 % approve of the President and around 42 % are supporting McCain. So 30% are complete morons and 12% are in denial morons.
2. I saw a puppet show where a Hamas puppet video where a Palestinian boy blames Israel and the US for the death of his family and then proceeds to stab the President Bush puppet with the sword of Islam. It is noted that the President repents and agrees to convert to Islam. The boy after stabbing the President then claims the goal is to make the White House a mosque. This is why we aren't winning in the world. We have no communication with the Muslim world of any meaningful value outside of blowing up Iraq, torturing Muslims, continued support of ineffectual Palestinian/Israeli policies, and a remarkable amount of bad policies.
3. Baseball is back! I love the sport. So when President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nats opener for their new stadium, I'm actually okay with it. However, I did love that President Bush aka Bubble President had to feel what a nonvetted worshiping crowd was like. I don't think I've seen someone booed that heavily by that many people in some time. What does that say about the status of President Bush? To think there are people who will support Senator McCain who is Bush III.
4. So Tammy Baldwin is the only gay woman in Congress. Congress allows for members to take along spouses to fact finding missions....so...you see the problem when Tammy Baldwin is going to take her partner on a mission and then the military blocks it... absolutely ridiculous. Nancy Pelosi intervened with Secretary Gates to fix it. Even Republicans were okay with Baldwin bringing in her spouse. Not sure if this is a "Don't ask don't tell" Pentagon problem or from another segment of the Executive Branch. I've heard both.
5. Mike Myers has a new movie coming out this summer called the "Love Guru." Apparently, he didn't get the memo that people are very tired of the Borat impressions. This movie is about an Indian love guru. Second best in India...yeah Mike Myers needs to do Wayne's World again...okay maybe he's a bit old...So I Married an Axe Murder 2?
6. What the hell happened to Lara Flynn Boyle's face? She was on Law and Order a few weeks ago and I remember just not being able to look at the screen when she was on and she was supposed to be a sexy, scheming reporter.
This is a comparison photo. Now and 2001
She was cute when she was on the Practice though if you opened a window, she'll float away.
7. REM has a new album out and apparently its amazing. I've got it back home so I'll listen to it then but good for them. As part of my I'm stuck in another era bit, REM and U2 are bands I love and REM has fallen off for a bit. Also the Raconteurs have a new album out that I really like. I'm going to see them with my brother aka Feebleman at the end of May.
8. Barack Obama is a terrible bowler. I feel I need a few drinks in me and I'm decent. I think I have an in for the campaign. I wonder if Hillary Clinton can bowl? I'm pretty sure McCain can't physically.
9. Battlestar Galactica is back this week! Best show on TV. Seriously, not even close to joking. Go buy the DVDs and reward yourself for having some taste.
10. I want to see Leatherheads still this week. Anyone want in?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WINSTON! Winston, the Basset Hound turned 10 today!