Tuesday, January 29, 2008

And now the encore, New Frontier

"The New Frontier of which I speak is not a set of promises — it is a set of challenges. It sums up not what I intend to offer the American people, but what I intend to ask of them." John F. Kennedy July 15th 1960

Yesterday, I got a chill during a political speech. Goose bumps, literally. Its been awhile. Actually ironically, the last time I felt that chill was during the Democratic National Convention in 2004. Barack Obama gave a speech about America that day in 2004 and it was amazing. It put him on the map and just explained to everyone in the country what I already knew. Barack Obama is a rockstar. About yesterday now, Ted Kennedy, Patrick Kennedy, and Caroline Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama and handed over a legacy that maybe too big for anyone but it shows what Obama means to everyone. Ted Kennedy and Barack Obama's speeches gave me chills and it was done at American University which makes it a little more close to home. Kennedy spoke about hope and hit the Clinton Campaign hard on every point. Its going to be a great ride for the next week as we enter the race to Super Tuesday. One of the reasons that I'm a Democrat is JFK and RFK. They're what I admire in the party even if there are flaws. I want to believe again in heroes. If you haven't seen the speeches, then go find them. I close this segment with a JFK quote.
"If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal." September 14th 1960.

1. Romney and McCain are yelling at each other in Florida calling each other liberals...I think its hilarious. McCain also apparently has a secret plan to get Bin Laden. I would argue that having a plan would be a start. But I'm pretty sure everything has gone insane in Florida...again.

2. State of the Union last night was like watching Back to the Future 2 except nothing awesome about it (hovering skate boards!). Y'know that scene where Marty sees himself while time traveling? Well, the President seemed to repeat himself like it yellow cake uranium except in Iran this time! It was a snooze fest really. There's a reason Ted Kennedy overshadowed him in his endorsement of Obama. Its a bad product at the State of the Union. But I did see something UTTERLY CREEPY! DID CHRIS SHAYS REALLY KISS PRESIDENT BUSH ON THE CHEEK!? How odd is that? Chris Shays had a tough time getting reelected and I don't think kissing the President helps things.

3. The countdown is on! When will Rudy Giuliani drop out? I'm going drinking the night he does. It looks like he isn't going to win Florida. He gave signed baseballs to media people...kinda pathetic kinda like a farewell. He is the candidate I despise the most though Romney is close. The night he drops out I'll probably go to the Red Derby.

4. Mike Wallace had triple bypass surgery recently. I hope he recovers well. He's in ridiculous shape for an 89 year old. I mean, I had to look up his age since its impossible to tell since he looked "old" in 1980 and hasn't really changed at all. I still think his son Chris, all dishonor to him because he's brought shame to a glorious name, is still worthless.

5. Kathy Griffin has been banned...again from the View by Barbara Walters. Apparently, she was too mean about her in a stand up. Its remarkable to be banned twice from the View when I thought they'd let anyone on. God knows, they let anyone host.

6. Holy god, I have something in common with Craig Ferguson. We're both US citizens...Brave new world...He's come a...oh wait he's still the same as he was on Drew Carey.

7. Apparently, the Giants won't talk to their former star player, Tiki Barber now that he's a commentator. Perhaps, its because he's a "pillow muncher" (Thanks again Vicky). Or maybe he's a bad team mate for what he did? How about his retirement and then commentary on the team pissed them off? I wouldn't talk to him either.

8. I'm still laughing that Amy Winehouse is in rehab.

9. Okay, confession, I love British culture. I do love French and Italian too. But British humor and pop culture has suited me for awhile. It has taken me way too long to get into Doctor Who. I'm now obsessed with it. I have to love a show whose fans have a saying "real villains don't use stairs, they level buildings." The Dalek creatures until recently couldn't go up stairs but they could kill whole cities. I love it. Its so out there that it says everything. The series is almost 50 years old and still odd and awesome. Here is what a Dalek looks like.

10. I saw Rambo...yes you heard me. I saw it with people who got it too. See Rambo takes a certain state of mind. Some call it crazy. I call it normal. Rambo isn't supposed to be rational. It isn't supposed to be all that serious in its violence. I learned that a bow and arrow works pretty well in the movie. I also learned that I'm not going to South East Asia anytime soon but I knew that already. Rambo is fun violent. Its so overthetop roided out Sylvester Stallone. He cowrote,produced, and directed the picture so of course the cute innocent blonde is into him.

11. I saw Across the Universe too. I'm a very big Beatles fan. I'm not my brother's level...no one is. But I do love the Beatles. Across the Universe is one long Beatles music video that I'm still trying to figure out. Its the plots of songs put into a movie and shot very nicely.


Today, I'm going to do two blog posts because....I kinda feel like it. This first one might be a normal post per say. Its more of hey this is what my playlist looks like right now. When I say my playlist, it isn't the entire playlist. I have a list of thousands of songs. Its more of a hey this is what my mind set is at. So here it is.

1. Four Winds by Bright Eyes (I know I generally don't like them but I really like this)
2. Sodajerk by Buffalo Tom
3. Do I Have Your Attention by the Blood Arm
4. Grown So Ugly by the Black Keys
5. West Coast by Coconut Records
6. Good Golly Miss Molly by Little Richard
7. Dirty Little Rockstar by the Cult
8. Black and White Town by the Doves
9. Summer Bonfire by the Great Lakes Myth Society
10. Taper Jean Girl by the Kings of Leon
11. Fuzz by Mucc
12. I Need to Wake Up by Melissa Etheridge (I know, right?)
13. Bodysnatchers by Radiohead
14. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and its Reprise by the Beatles
15. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games by (Of Montrea)
16. Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones
17. Love, Reign O'er Me by the Who
18. Extreme Ways by Moby
19. Lucky Man by the Verve
20. Mad World (Alternate Version) remixed by Roland Orzbal
21. Ordinary World covered by Fenix TX
22. Champaign Supernova by Oasis.

Crazy huh, and 22...yes too long but hey I break my own rules thanks.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

935 Things I Hate About You (Okay, I'll be honest, its probably more)

So, I first heard about Heath Ledger's death via Lauren (friend o' the blog). I legitimately thought it was a joke. I really did think this was another weird viral Dark Knight promotion that Heath Ledger was dead and he is the Joker now. I can't help it if I'm a marketer most times during the day. Scott's hell of viral marketing going everywhere for everything is a bit of my heaven. But when I finally realized it wasn't a marketing campaign and that he was actually dead, its pretty sad. I also realized that I have seen a lot of his movies somehow. I had to watch 10 Things I Hate About You in a Lit class at one point. Its a re imagining of Taming of the Shrew. The Patriot? Yup. First Knight, yup. I got annoyed into seeing that because "Chris, c'mon it has medieval knights and jousting." Monster's Ball, Four Feathers (the remake), Ned Kelly, Brothers Grimm, Lords of Dogtown, I even saw Brokeback Mountain with ASF. Somehow, I'd seen most of his career and never actually thought about it. Its rather sad that he died leaving a 2 year old daughter. He was a pretty good actor. His Joker looks amazing and now more creepy than ever.

1. So we're still feeling the results of Hillary/Obama fighting. Yeah its dirty. Yeah, it does look bad. I truly don't like President Clinton throwing himself into the primary system like this. He's the villain. Hillary may say well Michelle Obama is involved so why shouldn't Bill. But Michelle Obama has not directly insulted Hillary nor is she the de facto head of the Democratic Party. What's funny is that Edwards came out looking decently. Though to me he looked irrelevant during the debate, he did act like an adult. What people need to realize if they haven't. The Clintons campaign hard and they don't lose. They will fight dirty and it will be brutal. The only reassuring thing for me is that the GOP field sucks. Republicans aren't big on any of them. I can't say I blame them. Some of them really were Fred Thompson supporters...yeah I know.

2. 935. Its a weird number. Its also the number a nonpartisan group developed as to the amount of lies the top administration officials had when propagating the build up to the Iraq War. These were known lies too that they say were not. Unfortunately, that just isn't true. They're rather amazing at being dishonest for someone who wanted to bring honor to the White House again...oh wait.

3. Gaza. Let me say this first. I'm actually an Israel supporter. I believe that it not only has a right to exist but it is necessary and I don't think I can exactly comprehend what its like to live surrounded by people who want to wipe you out. That said, I don't see political objectives being accomplished by making a very large prison out of Gaza and then cutting off fuel and food. Part of the Palestinian argument that is valid is the mistreatment of an entire group of people for over half a century. Having over a hundred guard posts that humiliate people every day over and over again doesn't exactly breed good will. I guess I'd be a Labor person in Israel if I lived there. I'm more about ensuring survival of Israel through peaceful means first then using force than the other way around. Whatever your viewpoint, breaching the wall isolating Gaza to buy supplies in Egypt is a depressing event. I'm still conflicted on what I would do if I were in charge of defending my country and someone was lobbing rockets at one of my towns. One thing is for sure, Abbas doesn't get political help by this.

4. Kid's don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, they give em to you for free. Its one of my favorite lines in recent memory. Kids don't get filmed during crack when everyone knows you're a cracked out crazy woman...not nearly as funny but more relevant to Amy Winehouse. Seriously, who thought it would take this long?

5. I'm hearing that Tony Romo might have broken up with Jessica Simpson. I'm laughing a lot about this. Its almost surreal.

6. Britney Spears...yes I know...was outside a school talking to herself and smoking. Now, I want to know how her handlers thought this through. Okay, you've got someone trying to get her kids back, so let's leave her alone in her craziness in front of a school because that isn't weird. I want someone in the state of California to sue the state for allowing this case to go longer than it should. No normal person would be able to go this long. Its a waste of tax dollars that I'd rather spend on my left wing social programs that everyone hates.

7. Rush Limbaugh has a girlfriend that is only 7 years older than me...gross...man

8. Fred Phelps is easily one of the worst people in the world. I'm not exaggerating. He wants to go protest Heath Ledger's funeral for his role in Brokeback Mountain. I was hoping his funeral would be in Australia so if Phelps went, they could take away his passport, visa, and whatever so he couldn't come back. I'm also hoping some of Ledger's family is crazy like I think most Australians are and play rugby with Phelps.

9. Paul Newman had secret surgery related to his cancer. As one of my favorite actors of all time, I hope it went well.

10. I've recently discovered Torchwood, a BBC show that's a spinoff of Dr. Who. I'm desperate for TV and Lost and Smallville don't come back for another week. Torchwood is a ridiculously good, sophisticated science fiction show. The effects could be better but the character development is really quite good. I'm glad that I didn't have other TV so I wouldn't find something like this. That said, the writers strike is being felt.

Well that doesn't seem likely...

As you are all no doubt aware, I am someone who thoroughly enjoys TV and the movies. Not to the extent that Chris does, but enough. If you check my credit card bill, you'll find a lot of movie tickets on there. Now, some people don't enjoy certain genres because its just not their thing. They are too unbelievable. And thats a big deal. The thing that lets us enjoy movies is the suspension of disbelief. You have to actually think that whats happening on screen could possibly happen. We all know this. And we all accept this. But sometimes, I feel like producers, writers, and directors take our suspension of disbelief for granted. They put in these improbable moments that none of us really buy.

A great example of this was the show Murder She Wrote. My mother watched this all the time. Through the years, my brothers and I would sometimes have nothing better to do but watch it with her. The show was the most improbable ever. This woman is a mystery writer and somehow every cop on Earth has a personal relationship with her (whore...) and they all think that only she can solve their crimes. Not only that, but whenever she solved the crime, she would confront the ne'er-do-well by herself. And he would always confess and give up! I kept hoping that the bad guy would pick up the nearest blunt object and bludgeon her to death, but alas, I was always disappointed. The most impossible came when she solved a case by noticing that a chair had been moved and so a part of the carpet was no longer sun-faded. My brother still rants about this despite seeing this episode a good 5+ years ago. But really, what should we expect? Its Murder She Wrote.

Sometimes, a director will actually build up our ability to disbelieve. We give them the benefit of the doubt. The director has earned our trust. And then they turn around and kick us in our collective nut sack and then start crotch stomping us. Fucking ewoks. You're trying to tell me, that a bunch of care bears with rocks and spears, are capable of defeating the most fearsome army out there AND its walking tanks of doom and destruction? I want to know who came up with this idea, drag them out into the street, and put a bullet in their brain as a warning to others. I'm looking at you George Lucas. Sure, you've got jedi knights, the force, space travel, and all that jazz. But fucking ewoks. That singlehandedly killed the third movie for me. I hate ewoks and if I could I would burn the fucking planet they were on.

Then of course, there's those moments where because of events happening outside the movie, you can't suspend your disbelief. Its too difficult to seperate the real world from the world of fiction you are seeing. Or the real world keeps intruding on the movie. This can sometimes be caused by the general craziness or douchebaggery of the main character. Like that romantic movie last year that had Russell Crowe in it. Does anybody really believe that a complete asshole like Russell Crowe could ever do something heartwarming? Of course not. Its fucking Russell Crowe. He hates people. Or, and you knew this had to be coming, Tom Cruise. I can't even watch old Tom Cruise movies any more because I don't see his character, I see Tom Cruise. And I see pure, unadulterated Crazy. Especially because, whenever he's out promoting a movie, he's invariably going to come back to Scientology. Chris hates this argument, that people would not see a movie because of their distaste for one fo the stars in it, but I find it perfectly legitimate. Actors who have completely gone off the deep-end and make themselves the center of attention on certain things (like Scientology or throwing telephones at people) diminish the suspension of disbelief. You can't see the actor, you have to see the character.

Of course, some writers take the idea of suspension of disbelief so far that they don't even try to come up with a coherent plotline. More movies of this sort come out that any other. They are filled with plot holes, terrible dialogue, and a completely confusing series of events that no one could ever follow. One of the worst examples I ever paid money to see was that movie where Antonio Banderas is an assassin. No, not the one with Sylvester Stallone. The one with Lucy Liu. I'll give you a chance to IMDB it. Yeah, now you remember. They actually ret-conned the story in the middle of the movie. It was the most bald-faced and shameless thing I've ever seen a movie do. Then of course, there's every movie that Uwe Boll has ever made. The man loves to buy up the rights to video game franchises and then make schlock movies out of them. They are so terrible that they are actually an assault on reason and intelligence.

Finally though, there are those moments that really test our suspension of disbelief where, even though you think it probably wouldn't happen, it doesn't diminish your enjoyment of what you're watching. In talking about Cloverfield, Chris has already mentioned my complete disbelief at the scene where they don't try to keep up with the fleeing rats and instead decide to play with their camera. Its true, I was quite disbelieving of that. My feeling is, if you know that bad shit is going on and you get even an inkling that something around you is wrong, you are booking it the fuck out of there. Rats are fleeing and someone says they might be running away from something? Shit! Run! At the same time though, the scene that it produced was exciting and the following scenes were creepy. The writers may not have thought they were taking a gamble on this, but if they were, I think it worked. Sure, I didn't really believe the scene, but it did serve a purpose that I was perfectly okay with. There are different reasons why we may not believe what we are watching, but it doesn't always have to impair our enjoyment of what we are watching.

Still. Fucking ewoks...


Monday, January 21, 2008


So, on my day off and in dedication to the people of Mr.Brooksknockedupnancydrewistan, I'm going to do a short post about Cloverfield. I'll just say this first off. I loved it. I hated the Blair Witch Project. I thought it was a stupid film school project and it gave a bad name to independent horror movies by knocking off Halloween as the largest grossing. That whole shaky camera realism that they went for? Okay, somewhat interesting but I truly felt everyone needed to die in that movie because it made me queasy.
Cloverfield is different. Its what if someone tried to make a movie instead of a film school project. The special effects are rather good and I enjoy not being able to clearly identify the monster but still being aware of what its capable of destroying. Did I think some of the decisions were bad? Well yes, as Scott points out often recently, rats are running away and you put on nightvision instead of running in the same direction. Honestly, I have no idea what I'd do if a giant monster entered my city. Some have criticized the characterization in the film. I don't. I think it worked for me. For me, the movie really is heartbreaking. I can't really explain it readily. During the movie, I had the song Mad World in the background of my thoughts. The theme to the movie Donnie Darko is haunting. I had the Ed Alleyne-Johnson version of the song going. Listen to the preview of it on Itunes and judge for yourself. Maybe its a bit of the crush I have on Odette Yustman that has me thinking about this movie a lot besides the whole monster destroying a city without reason. Odette Yustman plays the really smart girlfriend on October Road (a terrible show written really poorly that I can't help but watch because I hate myself). I've talked about her in previous posts. Yustman is the close friend (Beth) of Rob Hawkins, film protagonist and played by Michael Stahl-David (from Chicago). She slept with Rob Hawkins and he kinda freaked out and didn't call her for weeks. Now, Rob Hawkins is having his going away party since he is going to Japan for a new job. Beth comes to party and they fight. Beth leaves and monster attacks. The movie centers around Rob's quest to rescue her in the face of this monster attack.
I can't help but admire it. I respect boldness and she's worth it. I don't know if I'd done the same. Probably not, who knows. You know a movie has done its job when I'm feeling for New York outside of 9/11. Man, there is a lot of 9/11 imagery in the movie. I couldn't help but stare in awe as the US military charged at this thing destroying a city with its horrible creatures spawning from it. Its vicious. In the face of this, Rob Hawkins is going to rescue Beth.
I'm still haunted by the movie for some reason. Maybe its the horror of a city's destruction that looked real. Maybe, its the tragedy and senseless of it all. This wasn't terrorists doing this. This was a monster. Think Mad World.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stacy Keibler

Now you may be wondering who she is? I'd suggest if you want to hear what she sounds like and etc, she was on the show What About Brian. Brian and I were probably the only people who watched it but more importantly this is what she looks like. I could go a little more explicit but I'm classy.

New Poll: Dumping Leyla

So, we can all agree that Leyla is fairly useless on American Gladiators. We can't? Well, Chris and I think so and thats all that matters. So! In the interest of caring what you think, we have a new poll! Who should replace Leyla on American Gladiators when they eventually dump her ass?

Lets meet your lovely contestants!

Door Number 1:
Carmen Electra. As we've already stated, the producers already don't take the female half of the competition seriously, so why don't we get some crazy cleavage out there to shimmy for us? Plus, didn't she produce a bunch of videos on Strip Aerobics? I know Fury used them to get in shape.

Door Number 2:
Stacy Keibler. She's hot. She's a former wrestler. And her hair is blonder than Hogan's. What more do you need?

Door Number 3:
Torrie Wilson. Another wrestler only more current. Plus, she's probably got the same physique as most of the female gladiators. And thats a good thing. Not a bad thing. (thank you Bill Parcells Coors Light commercial...)

Door Number 4:
The former American Gladiator, Ice. This is actually a good one. You do a throwback to the old American Gladiators, bring back the most attractive one, and, in all likelihood, you give children everywhere a potent reminder on the after effects of performance enhancing drugs. Or, you show what a real American Gladiator looks like, setting the stage for some sort of "Special American Gladiators" where Ice jumps into the Joust to show these newbies what it means to knock some heads together. I smell ratings.

Door Number 5:
Hulk Hogan. Seriously, who needs another Host when you've got Hulkamania to keep you going?

If you have other suggestions, too bad. There's only 5 doors. So cast your votes now America! And let us know what you think.

Brand New Day

First off, I'd to put forth some notes I was writing down while watching American Gladiators last night and talking to a friend. (Read Scott's American Gladiators post if you haven't)
-My favorite line maybe ever "I think American Gladiators could be a great platform to spread Christianity" appeared last night. I do have to say its better than Crusade.
-Belinda Gavin, who competed last night, should use a different name because I knew she looked familiar. Back at the old house, the guys and I had turned on a soft core porn movie and were astonished at how unattractive one of the actresses were. This was indeed Belinda Gavin.
-While watching the first half of American Gladiators, I was on the phone and being informed that she couldn't imagine me married. Okay, I can't either and just because I do have nightmares of the notion doesn't mean it won't happen. Furthermore, she said she could see me running off with some European anarchist or some indie snob. Well I've got that this going for me.

Here is a recreation of a conversation I had with my mom yesterday.

Mom: Hey, how could they do that to Peter Parker!
Me: Well that's an introduction I didn't expect. Yeah, um, hey, and are you talking about the whole marriage disappearing act in the comics?
Mom: I was listening to Howard Stern and he was outraged about it and I am too. So he got on the phone the Marvel editor or something like that Joe Quesidilla-
Me: Quesada, yeah he sucks
Mom: He made Peter Parker's marriage go away with magic!?
Me: Yeah, it was a deal with the devil or whatever to save his sick Aunt May who's been sick since President Kennedy. I think it was caused by Beatle Mania
Mom: Chris, what are they the Catholic Church, they can't just annul a marriage with magic. It's stupid.
Me: I think a lot of people wish they could. But yeah, now he's an unmarried hipster because all hipsters are unmarried...don't worry they'll be back together in a year or two, it'll be this love conquers all and you'll have this scene where the devil just yells like Kahn or I'll get you Gadget! Only this time it'll be Parker! So don't worry.

I hope this offers incite into why I am the way I am. Onto the 10.

1. Nevada Democratic debate tonight! Oh wait no one will watch it because American Idol is on. I've been wondering if more people would watch the debate if there were strippers around? I've stayed away from too much Primary news as of late due to a lot of work here and that my rage gets the better of me. I'm tired of the thinly veiled racism of the Clinton Campaign. I'm not sure what to do about John Edwards. Part of me wants him to drop out because once he lost in Iowa he lost it all. Part of me is wondering why he receives no attention from the media outside of haircuts and Rudy Giuliani does even though Rudy has barely been able to strike up double digits in early primaries. It seems Fred Thompson and Rudy get a hell of a lot more than Edwards gets and he does grab a portion of the Democratic side that is the size of both of them on the Republican side. While Giuliani theoretically leads nationally, he can't keep losing severely in these early ones and still be the front runner even in a field of weakness as the GOP does have.

2. Today will determine Mitt Romney's ability to stay in the race. Michigan Primary. We, Democrats, are dying to take him on since he's as insincere as they come. This may come as a surprise from me, but his economic plans aren't nearly as idiotic as the rest of his GOP field. It seems the rest of them haven't a clue what they're talking about. At least McCain admits he doesn't know anything about economics.

3. That said, if my disdain for Rudy Giuliani isn't clear enough, he went to church with Katharine Harris recently. I didn't think I could dislike Giuliani more...and then bam! The refuge of scoundrels continues.

4. Bill O'Reilly has been crazier than ever. From attempting to confront Obama in a rather ridiculous way at a campaign rally to accusing NBC of supporting terrorism, O'Reilly seems to be going off the deep end. I would feel pity if he weren't a bastard...wait I don't feel pity at all.

5. Britney Spears has lost custody and any rights to the kids indefinitely. It would have helped her cause to show up to hearings.

7. Amy Winehouse is blonde now and still looks like a vampire.

8. TO fucking cried. Honest to God cried over Romo. I would have rooted for the Giants if I knew that would happen.

9. Bjork attacked a photographer and ripped his shirt off. I mean ripped. BJORK SMASH!!!!!

10. Go see There Will Be Blood. Its the modern silent film (its not really silent but you'll get what I'm aiming for). Daniel Day-Lewis is absolutely brilliant. I'm still thinking about the movie. Scott and I laughed at moments that we probably should not have...oh wait we definitely should have. Brother from another mother said in 1911 is still hilarious. Furthermore, "I'm finished," had me dying. With that , I'm finished.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Beware the coming of Roid Mohr!

I came into work today in an oddly good mood and I feel like sharing it with you all before it peters out. And it invariably will. I've had an epiphany. I like coming to work and I like my job up until I have to deal with my boss. And as soon as he does something stupid (this generally occurs before 10am) my willingness to do anything for the rest of the day has been completely shot. But this isn't the point of my post today. No, I'd instead like to talk to you about two things that are seperate but related. Almost like brothers but from different mothers.

When I upgraded my cable to HD cable, I also made sure to get a DVR with it. I'd never really lived with a DVR up to that point. I kinda wanted one but I didn't feel like spending the extra monthly charges for it. But I had talked to a lot of people about it and they had told me that they had a lot of problems justifying the move to themselves. I mean, its just for watching TV and who wants to spend more money on that? But then they got DVR and they'll never go back. They can't imagine watching TV without it now. Well, I've got it now, and I'd like to reiterate those nameless faceless people I've just told you about. Its a great thing and I love setting up series recordings so that I don't have to watch the show when it comes out and I can watch it at my own pace. Best part? You get to skip past commercials! Unlike Chris, I despise commercials. I hate watching them. Which, by the way, I just saw a Converse commercial where its talking about how we're living in a fake democracy, created by American Idol, and how we're all dead but we're really not dead and then it shows the Converse logo. What the fuck does that even mean?!?! You're a shoe!!! What the fuck are you even talking about?!?!

But I digress. Thanks to the wonders of DVR I was able to record American Gladiators. It took me a week but I finally sat down to watch it. I was excited but also extremely skeptical going into this because American Gladiators was so great, and there are so many ways to fuck it up. But I'm happy to say that I found it thoroughly enjoyable. I mean, in the first two hours, a girl tore her ACL, and another chick smashed her forehead open to the point that she was bleeding throughout the entire Eliminator course. In another one, this guy who had to be practically 40 was talking all kinds of trash to the Gladiators and it was pretty clear that they all hated him. Now, I don't like the whole thing, so lets just go through everything.

The Hosts:
Hulk Hogan. Yes. God yes. He just makes it better and more entertaining by being there. Muhammed Ali's daughter. No. God no. She doesn't bring anything to the interviews and doesn't really seem to have any flair for entertaining. She's just sort of lifeless and thinks that by standing there and smiling, I'm supposed to give a shit. Well, I don't. And who is that announcer they have calling the action? He does a good job, and I kind of like that, but from some of his comments I really wish they just went balls to the wall and got the guys who do Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC). I mean, the show is already heading that direction anyway. So what would you rather have, some guy who thinks he knows what he's talking about? Or two guys who haven't a clue, and couldn't care less. Lets be honest here, American Gladiators isn't about competition or anything like that. Its about entertainment. Its like, take professional wrestling and give it some legitimacy and thats American Gladiators.

The Arena:
I like the new arena. Its got fire. I also like how instead of pads they just have giant pools of water to fall into. Its like the swim of shame. Something that I appreciate. However, we do need to talk about the Eliminator. I can understand and even enjoy that you don't have gladiators. Thats fine by me. But that cargo net is just too tall. By the time everyone gets to the end of it, they're so tired, they barely have the strength to do anything else. I almost feel bad for the poor bastards as they slog their way through that thing. See, you should have the ramp thing first, followed by the wall, the pool of water, cargo net, toss the barrel roll altogether, zip line, pyramid, hand-bike, and then crash through. Or something like that. But that cargo net is just too tall.

The Gladiators:
First off, its pretty clear to me that the producers pretty much ignored the legitimacy of the female side of the competition. Its like during planning meetings they were like "what do we do about the female gladiators? Wait, I've got it. Muscular strippers." Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but I was under the impression that when women body build, they sort of lose their boobs. So then why is it that every last one of those gladiators has at least a set of large C tits, and upwards to what have to be DD's. And when they're introduced, instead of raising a triumphant fist and looking like atheletes, they undulate in ways that are definitely not kid friendly. Once again, not complaining. But still, it does seem rather unnecessary.

All of the gladiators seem rather gimmicky, and honestly thats okay. Like I said, WWE but with legitimacy. Wolf and Toa are interesting and kind of make me chuckle. But good lord, the big black dude, Mayhem, scares me. 6'6" with dreads. And dear god, when he says he's ready its like the rumbling of hell itself. He frightens me. But, I don't agree with all the gimmicks that the gladiators have. For instance, what the hell kind of name is "Helga"? All the other gladiators have cool names, and she's got Helga? That blows. She's not even Norwegian. She's just some blond chick. And her description talks all this Viking stuff. The fuck? Now I'm supposed to link "Helga" with the mighty hammer of Thor? If you want to invoke Nordic myth call her "Valkyrie" or something. That works much better. See? I should produce. And while I'm on the topic of bad gimmicks, what's up with Titan? Why is his gimmick being a roided out Jay Mohr? Here, watch this.

Titan (Aka 'Roid Mohr [Thanks Chris])

Regular Jay Mohr:

The resemblance is uncanny...

The Events:
They kept most of the old events that were cool and have added a couple of new ones. I like the news ones for the most part. I do like how they've jazzed up some of the events though. Like flinging the gladiator through the air when they lose in Assault. I haven't seen it yet, but I look forward to it.

The Contestants:
I like the contestants. Once again, most of the women appear to be eyecandy, but I'm okay with that. I do enjoy how the contestants talk a lot more trash now. In the old American Gladiators everything was all chummy and it'd be like "A well landed blow good sir!" "Have at you you cad!" Now I'm waiting for the bleeped out bits to come. I feel like they'll either come from Roid Mohr or Mayhem. I do have one complaint however. The show spends far too much time on interviews. There are interviews after every damned event and the interviews always take longer than the event. I don't care that you're doing this for your kids, I care that you're getting knocked around or that Stealth is apparently trying to scissor with you. Thats much more interesting! Why do game shows insist on "getting to know the contestant." Its always the part that I hate. When I was fast-forwarding on my DVR, I fast-forwarded through all the interviews once they grew tiresome. Without commercials and interviews, the whole damn show takes like 23 minutes.

All in all, I have to say that I mostly enjoyed it. There are a few issues, but it was a solid first effort and I look forward to seeing more heads get knocked around. I really hope that the rest of the series is as violent as the pilot.

I'm finished!


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Happy New Year's!

So its that time of year again when people start looking back on the past year and also forward to the new one. I don't know about all of you out there in intertube land but one of the most common questions I keep getting is "So, make any resolutions for the New Year?" I would like to take this moment to answer your questions. No. I did not. Nor do I plan to.

Lets be clear on something, there are things that I wouldn't mind accomplishing in 2008. I want to keep working on my home theater that I'm slowly putting together (50" tv, check. hd-dvd player, check. comfy recliners, check. surround sound, hmm, not checked). Like just about every person on Earth, I also wouldn't mind getting into better shape. I also want to find a place where I can grill on a regular basis. Develop a better wine rack. Things like that.

But these are not "resolutions" in any way. I have resolved to do nothing. I don't like the idea of making promises in general so why would I want to make some grand life-altering promise to be accomplished in 12 months time? And yes, for those of you out there questioning me, completing a home theater system is life altering. If you don't believe me, you must have small pathetic little TV's.

Plus why bother making resolutions? Nobody ever does them anyways. Resolving to do something just because the year changed is practically a death sentence for any effort towards personal growth. Think about it, how many New Year's resolutions have you actually stuck to? Liar. You haven't done any of them and you know it.

But this brings us to yet another point in that why do you have to wait til the New Year to try and change something in your life? Sure, the calender year flipped over and we all saw the ball drop but lets be honest. It was a Tuesday. The next day was going to be a Wednesday. So what? We all look for symbols in our lives but this one seems even more artificial and unnecessary than most. My goals for this upcoming year aren't significantly different than my goals from teh previous year. If anything, they are exactly the same. They've just carried over because they are incomplete.

If there is something that you want to accomplish why wait for the New Year to decide to do it? What is the point of that? When 2009 rolls around are you going to sit there and say "well at least I did my resolutions" and then make some new ones? I doubt it. If there are things out there that you want to accomplish then go do them. Don't wait until you can add some artificial, and largely pointless label to it. And no, this isn't one of those "live every day to the fullest" screeds. Hell, if you want to be lazier, I'm cool with that. Lord knows I'm a lazy guy.

Why do you think I'm building a home theater system?


Nicholas Cage's hair

Hi all. Long time huh? Anyway, you think I'm going to talk about political primary world right? Well yes, but all in due time. Its been a crazy end of the year/beginning of the new year. First off, you know I love baseball. Its something I truly love and I do so much that I actually looked at the Hall of Fame ballot results this morning and saw that Chuck Knoblauch got a vote. Now Goose Gosidge got in so I'm not complaining about that. Jim Rice was 17 short I think. But Chuck Knoblauch?! I want to know the one reporter who said "This guy is a hall of fame baseball player." This is even after he was on that steroids list. This better be his mom who is the reporter who voted for him. I'm sure his dad knows better because he watched him play. I was talking to my friend Christy last night and she observed that Mike Gravel received 133 votes or something like that in New Hampshire. Who are these people? You might as well be voting for Alf...in fact I'd have more respect for you if you did. Okay that's off my chest. Onto primary news.

Congrats to Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee for winning in the Iowa Caucus with large margins. Congrats to John McCain and Hillary Clinton for great comeback wins in New Hampshire. I still hated that Hillary Clinton cried and that somehow humanizes her. I still hate politicians who cry and hope for political gain. I don't know what New Hampshire really does for the race except put Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at virtual standstill which is going to be great to watch. Perhaps, New Hampshire just likes being weird and unique and it means not a thing. I kinda like on the Republican side that the guy with the most money (Romney) hasn't come close to winning except in Wyoming (If my house moved to Wyoming, I think we'd double the population). My office and I are dying for Romney to be the candidate because that should be easy to take down. Michigan will be fun for the Republicans and by fun I mean something fierce. South Carolina will be the who's the black candidate debate somehow for the Democrats. Game on people.

A list for the past few weeks which includes Vegas trip

1. Go see Beatles Love at the Mirage in Vegas. It reaffirmed my love for the Beatles and it was just so cool.

2. I watched the entire first season of Pete and Pete when I was in Detroit and I really miss that show. I also want everyone to take a moment and think about Artie the Strongest Man in the World.

3. I hate New Yorkers...the city people. I legitimately heard a couple complain that Las Vegas wasn't enough like New York. I just started laughing at it being a scene from My Boys.

4. I have a crackberry now and am already trying to not be addicted to it.

5. I bought my brother the game Rock Band for Christmas and found it to be addictive like crack. However, if I play Nirvana's In Bloom one more time I'll snap. Seriously, the drum kit, two guitars, and a singer make it so much fun. My brother's friend Sam may make it the funniest game ever.

6. I'm declaring a Fatwa on Southwest Airlines for losing my luggage and being ass hats about it.

7. Britney Spears is still a disaster. She locked herself in a room that apparently had a gun in it because K-Fed had bought her one when they were together...I say worst idea ever a lot but I might actually believe it this time. Oh she spoke with a British accent when they strapped her to a gurney to take her to a hospital...creepy, I saw the Exorcist, I know how this works.

8. Vegas is still really trashy though I had great food and I stayed at the Belagio. I mean that shouldn't surprise you about it being trashy but I want to know who the producer was that said Producers, great, hilarious and a popular stage act....we need Tony Danza. I'm literally demanding to know Who's the Boss. But Tony Danza is the star of the Producers in Vegas...Its fitting I guess. I didn't see it but I do believe Angels were working for him to get the role.

PS. I still think Vegas is filled with trashy tourists from across the globe to create a melting pot of trash...Think New Jersey and apparently the Pennsylvania sports fans wrapped with Japanese and various rude Middle Eastern tourists.

PPS. Sigfried and Roy jokes aren't really funny anymore though walking by the creepy tiger statue with their heads is kinda funny in that they try to hide it. Now the tiger cage is a dolphin tank too.

9. I thought about getting my New York Times subscription back awhile back. I won't now since they've hired Bill Kristol....he's worthless and he even screwed up his first opinion piece.

10. Movies! I saw a ton of them. Star out National Treasure II, entertaining but dumb. I don't understand why Nicholas Cage started to look like Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code with that goofy hair. BTW, NTII was a Rock reunion for Ed Harris and Nicholas Cage! Now they need Sean Connery. Charlie Wilson's War. I loved it. Quick witted and a great cast. It made me miss West Wing again with the Aaron Sorkin script. Walk Hard. WARNING: There is Dudity. I was warned (Thanks Steve). There is a lot of it. Funny movie but it can wear you out. I still think ripping out sinks is funny though. Look for Jack White of the White Stripes doing an odd Elvis impersonation. Also check out who are the Beatles in it. I also saw Aliens Vs Predator II and actually enjoyed it. It isn't brilliant or ground breaking. Its stupid fun and it literally does tribute to every Alien movie and Predator movie. I had a good time with it but its every cliche that only a fan could love. I'm dying to see Juno before Cloverfield comes out. Who wants in?

11. I picked up the new Cult album and really enjoy it. Get your 80s on!

12. I recently changed comic book stores which is a big deal. You can catch me at Fantom Comics in Union Station on Wednesdays now before class.

13. If you haven't heard about the Hard Lessons, itunes them. They're great and they're friends of my brothers.

14. AMERICAN GLADIATORS! I love it. Its brutal on the contestants as they get pounded by Roid ridden freaks. One woman tore her ACL I'm almost sure of it. A game I've been playing has been how many sexual comments can the announcer make about Crush? Furthermore, how long during a day can I go talking like the announcer before I get hit? Plus there is Hulk Hogan. The show is endlessly entertaining for all the right and wrong reasons.

15. Watching Oceans 11 at 4 AM which is about robbing the Belagio while staying at the Belagio made me laugh.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

And the trashiest fanbase is...

If you are even semi-literate, then you know that our poll about who has the trashiest fanbase in the NFL is closed. If you are illiterate, then I have to ask how you even found our website or, indeed, how are you reading it right now. Brian, I'm looking at you.

The winner of our poll is the entire state of Pennsylvania. You, the heroes of the internet have spoken and its a tie between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who knew that those damned Pennsylvania Dutch would be such assholes...

Happy New Year all.