Monday, January 14, 2008

Beware the coming of Roid Mohr!

I came into work today in an oddly good mood and I feel like sharing it with you all before it peters out. And it invariably will. I've had an epiphany. I like coming to work and I like my job up until I have to deal with my boss. And as soon as he does something stupid (this generally occurs before 10am) my willingness to do anything for the rest of the day has been completely shot. But this isn't the point of my post today. No, I'd instead like to talk to you about two things that are seperate but related. Almost like brothers but from different mothers.

When I upgraded my cable to HD cable, I also made sure to get a DVR with it. I'd never really lived with a DVR up to that point. I kinda wanted one but I didn't feel like spending the extra monthly charges for it. But I had talked to a lot of people about it and they had told me that they had a lot of problems justifying the move to themselves. I mean, its just for watching TV and who wants to spend more money on that? But then they got DVR and they'll never go back. They can't imagine watching TV without it now. Well, I've got it now, and I'd like to reiterate those nameless faceless people I've just told you about. Its a great thing and I love setting up series recordings so that I don't have to watch the show when it comes out and I can watch it at my own pace. Best part? You get to skip past commercials! Unlike Chris, I despise commercials. I hate watching them. Which, by the way, I just saw a Converse commercial where its talking about how we're living in a fake democracy, created by American Idol, and how we're all dead but we're really not dead and then it shows the Converse logo. What the fuck does that even mean?!?! You're a shoe!!! What the fuck are you even talking about?!?!

But I digress. Thanks to the wonders of DVR I was able to record American Gladiators. It took me a week but I finally sat down to watch it. I was excited but also extremely skeptical going into this because American Gladiators was so great, and there are so many ways to fuck it up. But I'm happy to say that I found it thoroughly enjoyable. I mean, in the first two hours, a girl tore her ACL, and another chick smashed her forehead open to the point that she was bleeding throughout the entire Eliminator course. In another one, this guy who had to be practically 40 was talking all kinds of trash to the Gladiators and it was pretty clear that they all hated him. Now, I don't like the whole thing, so lets just go through everything.

The Hosts:
Hulk Hogan. Yes. God yes. He just makes it better and more entertaining by being there. Muhammed Ali's daughter. No. God no. She doesn't bring anything to the interviews and doesn't really seem to have any flair for entertaining. She's just sort of lifeless and thinks that by standing there and smiling, I'm supposed to give a shit. Well, I don't. And who is that announcer they have calling the action? He does a good job, and I kind of like that, but from some of his comments I really wish they just went balls to the wall and got the guys who do Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC). I mean, the show is already heading that direction anyway. So what would you rather have, some guy who thinks he knows what he's talking about? Or two guys who haven't a clue, and couldn't care less. Lets be honest here, American Gladiators isn't about competition or anything like that. Its about entertainment. Its like, take professional wrestling and give it some legitimacy and thats American Gladiators.

The Arena:
I like the new arena. Its got fire. I also like how instead of pads they just have giant pools of water to fall into. Its like the swim of shame. Something that I appreciate. However, we do need to talk about the Eliminator. I can understand and even enjoy that you don't have gladiators. Thats fine by me. But that cargo net is just too tall. By the time everyone gets to the end of it, they're so tired, they barely have the strength to do anything else. I almost feel bad for the poor bastards as they slog their way through that thing. See, you should have the ramp thing first, followed by the wall, the pool of water, cargo net, toss the barrel roll altogether, zip line, pyramid, hand-bike, and then crash through. Or something like that. But that cargo net is just too tall.

The Gladiators:
First off, its pretty clear to me that the producers pretty much ignored the legitimacy of the female side of the competition. Its like during planning meetings they were like "what do we do about the female gladiators? Wait, I've got it. Muscular strippers." Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but I was under the impression that when women body build, they sort of lose their boobs. So then why is it that every last one of those gladiators has at least a set of large C tits, and upwards to what have to be DD's. And when they're introduced, instead of raising a triumphant fist and looking like atheletes, they undulate in ways that are definitely not kid friendly. Once again, not complaining. But still, it does seem rather unnecessary.

All of the gladiators seem rather gimmicky, and honestly thats okay. Like I said, WWE but with legitimacy. Wolf and Toa are interesting and kind of make me chuckle. But good lord, the big black dude, Mayhem, scares me. 6'6" with dreads. And dear god, when he says he's ready its like the rumbling of hell itself. He frightens me. But, I don't agree with all the gimmicks that the gladiators have. For instance, what the hell kind of name is "Helga"? All the other gladiators have cool names, and she's got Helga? That blows. She's not even Norwegian. She's just some blond chick. And her description talks all this Viking stuff. The fuck? Now I'm supposed to link "Helga" with the mighty hammer of Thor? If you want to invoke Nordic myth call her "Valkyrie" or something. That works much better. See? I should produce. And while I'm on the topic of bad gimmicks, what's up with Titan? Why is his gimmick being a roided out Jay Mohr? Here, watch this.

Titan (Aka 'Roid Mohr [Thanks Chris])

Regular Jay Mohr:

The resemblance is uncanny...

The Events:
They kept most of the old events that were cool and have added a couple of new ones. I like the news ones for the most part. I do like how they've jazzed up some of the events though. Like flinging the gladiator through the air when they lose in Assault. I haven't seen it yet, but I look forward to it.

The Contestants:
I like the contestants. Once again, most of the women appear to be eyecandy, but I'm okay with that. I do enjoy how the contestants talk a lot more trash now. In the old American Gladiators everything was all chummy and it'd be like "A well landed blow good sir!" "Have at you you cad!" Now I'm waiting for the bleeped out bits to come. I feel like they'll either come from Roid Mohr or Mayhem. I do have one complaint however. The show spends far too much time on interviews. There are interviews after every damned event and the interviews always take longer than the event. I don't care that you're doing this for your kids, I care that you're getting knocked around or that Stealth is apparently trying to scissor with you. Thats much more interesting! Why do game shows insist on "getting to know the contestant." Its always the part that I hate. When I was fast-forwarding on my DVR, I fast-forwarded through all the interviews once they grew tiresome. Without commercials and interviews, the whole damn show takes like 23 minutes.

All in all, I have to say that I mostly enjoyed it. There are a few issues, but it was a solid first effort and I look forward to seeing more heads get knocked around. I really hope that the rest of the series is as violent as the pilot.

I'm finished!


1 comment:

Edmund Dantes said...

My DVR is a minor deity at my place. I actually pray to it several times a day and thank it for the various entertainment aspects it gives me. ROID MOHR! seriously, he is jay mohr. If he breaks into a Christopher Walken...I'll die...also, I must say, one of the more fun things to watch for is the sexual jokes on the women side and how there isn't much of a pissed off group against it. Also, I agree that Muhammad Ali's daughter isn't entertaining at all. I'm trying to figure out who I would replace her with.