Friday, October 26, 2007

Bonfire of the Vanities (when Vanities=California)

1. As Chris mentioned earlier this week Dancing With the Stars preformer/former host of the Donny and Marie Show Marie Osmond fainted on T.V. Her first reason given was that she "forgot to breathe." I feel that I learned in science class that breathing is one of the things your body does without thinking (i.e. your heart beating without you reminding it to). This leads more credence to my theory that the Osmonds are aliens (which actually makes Donny and Marie's relationship less creepy).
Now, the story has gotten even better. Apparently Marie is now saying that she fainted because of the California wildfires affected her allergies. As if the wildfires weren't bad enough when they were just beurning down David Jusitce's house, now it's more personal because these tragedies have a human (alien) face. Tragic.

2. Point: Capitalism

3. Good move by the Georgia Supreme Court to overturn a sentence of an outdated crime.
P.S. I feel there's a joke somewhere in me linking this article that I'm not even going to touch.

4. The Associated Press reports that 1/3 of all people believe in ghosts. What they don't report is that 4/5 of all ghosts believe in people.
P.S. Kudos to the man who said he shot a ghost. It takes a lot of balls to say something so blatently crazy in an article that is going nationwide.

5. I would like to announce that Chris's Michigan team beat my Clemson team in the national championship of our NCAA Football game lats night. After, going down early in the game Michigan was able to shut down Heisman winner C.J. Spiller to win it's third consecutive title.

SCHIP II: Judgment Clay

Yup, my title doesn't really make sense in the traditional sense...not much I do does. PS, the reference to Judgment Clay is to a Super Nintendo game way back when called Clayfighters and its sequel C2: Judgment Clay. Random huh? Anyway, the House was 265 to 142 with many not being able to vote due to the fires in California which is understandable but that shouldn't stop the vote. No one should criticize holding a vote after the Republicans had an emergency session for Terri Schaivo. 2/3rds has not been reached again. The President will veto it again. I want the SCHIP bill thrown at him again, and again, and again if necessary. I also want a reminder to all those voting against it to have to keep voting against it. Voting to keep kids from getting proper care. Almost 80% of America supports SCHIP so bring it on! There are principles and then there is stupid following of a pathetic leader.

1. Bill O'Reilly doesn't even like the tolerance of gays.

O’REILLY: Here’s — you can talk about this on your radio show tomorrow. There are millions of Americans who feel that the media and the educational system is trying to indoctrinate their children to a certain way of life, and that includes parity for homosexuals with heterosexuals.

And that’s what this Rowling thing is all about, because she sells so many books. So many kids read it, that she comes out and says, “Oh, Dumbledore is gay, and that’s great.” And this — it’s another in the indoctrination thing. That’s what the belief system is among some Americans.

MILLER: I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think you can indoctrinate a kid into being gay. You might indoctrinate him into trying it once and him going, “I guess I’m not gay.”


O’REILLY: No, but tolerance. It’s — you know, he’s not going to be gay, but it’s tolerance of it.

Yup, he's a moron.

2. The Family Securities Matters organization has released its top ten most dangerous organizations. I've almost or have done work for several of them which I find funny.

10 ) Think Progress

9 ) Muslim Student Association

8 ) CodePINK

7 ) American Civil Liberties Union, National

6 ) Family Research Council

5 ) Center for American Progress

4 ) League of the South

3 )

2 ) Universities and Colleges

1 ) Media Matters for America

Okay, I'll agree that Family Research Council and League of the South are definitely dangerous in some respect. The League of the South is remarkably absurd. However, notice number 2, universities and colleges? Seriously, this is the disdain that the far right has for anyone educated enough to question their crap. Not just one university or college but all of them. Everyone should just have high school education and only read the Bible I'm sure. I'm always amused at the hatred the far right has for Media Matters. Really? You're going to hate a group that records what people say in the media and call them out on it when they're ridiculous. Hating watchdog groups just reminds me that oversight is a good thing and those who do hate the watch dog efforts just don't want people to realize that somethings in the media are ridiculous. Furthermore, they don't want people outside of their intended audience to call them out. Another point, the organization obviously didn't research its list very well since Think Progress is a part of the Center for American Progress.

No, the groups that are some of the most dangerous, white supremest groups like that responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing, Fred Phelps' followers who are just looking to cause a massive fight at military funerals, or the KKK don't even get a second thought on that list.

3. I'm hearing about a poll that has Colbert maybe at 13% in a month. That is insane...legitimately. I love Stephen Colbert. His brand of comedy is something I love. I find it funny that that Robin Williams movie where he's faux Jon Stewart running for president has some sort of validity. But, I mean BUT, Stephen Colbert's campaign is financed by a corporation...wait President Bush's wasn't?...Okay, let me clarify, Colbert's is a stunt done by Dorito's and Comedy Central. Not quite legal to run for office. Also, he'd have to give equal time to other candidates...that's a lot of time.

4. Is it really a good idea for President Bush to take a shot at Former Governor Blano of Louisiana when you're talking about the fires in California? Quick answer, no. It reminds us about Katrina. It reminds what a fuck up President Bush was at Katrina along with everyone else. It reminds us that for a guy who keeps telling people how great a leader he is and campaigning on that, he sucked. I'd like him go back to New Orleans and work on.

5. Amy Winehouse has a disastrous concert in Zurich last night. She was drinking on stage and crying a lot. Some songs she just couldn't sing. I'm hearing that crowds thinned out within 20 minutes. Could this be because she was listed as number 2 in the most unsexy list in Maxim?

6. I hear Ellen and Portia Di Rossi have broken up. I actually like both of them though Portia Di Rossi is ridiculously attractive. Its been a weird week for Ellen if its true. I wonder if that whole dog thing had anything to do with it?

7. Holy god, Dina Lohan, mother of LiLo, is getting a tv show on E! Should be a fantastic train wreck.

8. Movies that I want to see now. I actually have finally decided I want to see Darjeeling Limited, Dan in Real Life, Nightmare before Christmas in 3D (I hopelessly love that movie and I'm an eight year old) and Gone Baby Gone. Anyone interested please inform me because it looks awful out and I think this might be a movie night or play video games night.

9. Daniel Dae Kim of Lost fame (Also Crusade which I think I only watched) has DUI. This is almost a sure thing his character is killed on the show. Sorry Jin....oh I won't drink Gin in honor, that does bad things straight up.

10. Britney Spears' hit and run charges have been dropped. She paid off the guy...seriously, she did with 1000 dollars.

11. In extra news, Tia Carrare of Wayne's World 1 and 2 and of True Lies still has a home as it has survived the fires in California for the moment. Its weird that Arnold is working on saving her house where he was trying to kill her in True Lies. She's still Shwing!

12. Finally, Paris Hilton's trip to Rwanda has been postponed. I'm hoping forever but she was going to have a reality show there with a fund raiser. While I do understand she is as thin as someone starving and thus relates, she pretty much cheapens everything she does.

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!!!!!!!

DICK CHENEY IS GOING HUNTING THIS WEEKEND. I'm hearing somewhere in New York. Hillary better watch out because DICK CHENEY IS RELENTLESS.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Please Stand Clear of the Doors. Thank you.

Chris has mentioned the computer parts that he has bought. I'm excited because I get to build the thing and I designed it. Seeing as how Chris uses a lot of hard drive space that was the first place I started. My solution to his problems of having to delete things? 1.5 Terrabyte harddrive. 1500 gigabytes. Good lord. If anyone wants the full list of parts, just ask and I'll be happy to provide. But thats not what I'm writing about today. Today, I've decided to rant about Metro. I don't know about you, but I ride the bus and the metro every day on my way to work. Its not really all that bad and I generally don't mind, but there are a few things that really bother me about Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA) and you and I are going to spend the next couple hundred words discussing these things. So please stand clear of the doors.

1. The 30 bus route:

Okay, if you've ever been fucked over because the 30 bus has refused to come, please raise your hand. So thats everyone. Good to know. Currently WMATA is actually holding community meetings to see what people think can be done to improve the 30 route because it partially isn't their fault that the buses are always late. I've almost stopped looking at the bus schedule because its pretty much useless. It will say the next bus arrives at 850, when in fact the 850 bus will never come and you'll have to wait for the 910 bus. Or later. Catching a 30 bus is essentially a crap shoot and they need to fix that shit. The problem with the route? Georgetown. Lets be honest here, Georgetown is completely overrated as an area of DC to visit. Its crowded, its hard to get into and nearly impossible to get out of. Oh, that and they charge you an arm and a leg to buy anything. So now you're getting jostled, you can't leave, and you're missing a couple of limbs. Fan-fucking-tastic. And for some reason, the geniuses over at WMATA decided to have all 30 buses go right through the middle of this swollen pustule of elitism. So your bus will actually make pretty good time right until you hit that clusterfuck. My solution? Have a bus that stops at the beginning of Georgetown, a seperate bus for Georgetown, and then a third bus for after Georgetown. It might not work and it might not be feasible but do you have any better ideas? I didn't think so.

2. Bus configurations:

Everyone in this city rides Metro. Not everyone rides the buses. So for those of you who don't, let me first explain to you that WMATA has at least 5 different bus configurations. At least about 5 that I've ridden on. And for the life of me, I can't understand who actually said to themselves that 3 of them are workable. The goal of any bus should be to cram as many people as humanly possible onto them. 3 of those bus configurations just do not work. The configuration that I am most familiar with is the 30' long bus. It comes around my neighborhood all the time. There are only about 4 forward looking seats, the rest of the room being taken up by seats that look into the aisle. This completely confuses me because this actually restricts the number of available seats. Why the fuck are you doing this? Its stupid. Another bus configuration that I hate was one I rode this morning. Its a 40 footer and has a raised step about halfway back and once again has about 5 forward looking seats. Why the raised step? In what world does that make sense? And why are the forward looking seats so close together that they hurt my knees? Its obviously brand new, because the damn thing still smelled like new plastic, so I would like to meet the moron who bought this thing and then give him a swift kick to the nuts. There's a similar config that has a raised platform towards the back but its obviously not new. The similar config I actually don't mind because it somehow manages to cram a lot more seating onto the bus. I will say this for the raised platform buses. They are lower to the ground so people who are unable to walk or have trouble walking have an easier time getting on the bus. Maybe thats the point. Finally, there's my favorite bus configuration, and thats the 40' long bus that has like 20 forward looking seats. Look at that! Maximum seating arrangement! Why don't we have more of these? Every time I see one of those buses coming I'm always a little happy because goddammit I can probably get a seat. Yay! There's also the short bus, but well, its a short bus so it doesn't deserve my attention. Moving on!

3. People who are obsessed with getting a seat:

Now I know I like to get a seat on the bus. But sometimes, there isn't any seating so you have to stand. Thats fine. I don't mind that. But some people will get on the bus, and they'll spy a seat aaaaaaaaall the way in the back and they decide they want to sit in it. Nevermind the fact that there are 40 people standing in the aisle who just got off work and have bags and whatnot. They keep moving back jostling everyone on the damn bus. You may feel like you've been violated as someone has to shift in an uncomfortable way to let that one asshole by but really, you're all victims of one motherfucker who won't stand up for 10 damn minutes. I hate that guy.

4. People who still pay with cash:

Alright readers, Metro has this great thing called a "SmarTrip" card. Its plastic, about the size of a credit card, and can be used on all buses and at all stations and you don't even need cash! Use it. Here it is for those of you who don't know.

The people who get on and then pay in cash are neanderthals and slow everything up. And you just know that in a group of 10 people trying to get on the bus, at least 4 are going to pay in cash and then there's that one douchebag who uses all nickles. I recently saw a plan in the Washington Post about upping rates for Metro and I'm actually okay with this because they were really going to gouge the people who still use cash. I'm in favor of gouging them because then maybe they'll learn to join the rest of us in the 21st century. If you don't have one, go here, or else or I will find you and I will stab you.

5. People who take pictures of the escalators:

Seriously, why? Its a fucking escalator. Have you been into a retail store in the past 20 years? They have them there too. They also look nicer. Usually, this is tourists who are taking pictures of the escalators but its also sometimes someone who fancies themselves an artist or a photographer who thinks he's getting a 'great shot.' Its an escalator goddammit! We all know what one looks like. Its steps that move! Its not sorcery! They stand there, and get in people's way and when its 9 in the morning and I'm going to work the last thing I want is a flash bulb going off somewhere. Plus, I have to admit, with the climate of fear that we are forced to live in I sometimes wonder why people are taking pictures of the entrance to a mass transit station. I even once saw a woman report people to Metro security for taking pictures because she thought they might be terrorists. I'm not even making that up. Thats the truly scary part.

6. People who can't figure out how to work the turnstile:

Alright, now this one isn't hard. It shows you how to put it in, the paper card (which you shouldn't be using in the first place) has an arrow on it, and there's a little read out that tells you whats going on. Where's the mystery? Do I really have to stand behind you as you try this 5 different times before you figure out its actually a Burger King fry container you're trying to use? There are signs everywhere telling you how to use Metro and you still can't manage it? I know some really really REALLY stupid people and they manage Metro just fine. If a chimp can do it, why can't you? Hm? Answer me that. What? You mean its not working? What about the little display that tells you to see the station manager? Here's a thought... see the fucking station manager! If you would get your head out of your ass long enough to read the shit about you, you might actually figure out why you can't get in! I hate you! Get out of my way so I can fucking go to work!

And thank you for riding Metro.


We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

Today, the Battle of Agincourt occurred in 1415. Considered one of the greatest battles in English history, it also plays a prominent role in one of my favorite Shakespearean plays, Henry V. So remember that today is St. Crispian's Day.
What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmorland. No, my fair cousin:
If we are marked to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will, I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It ernes me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires:
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England:
God's peace, I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more, methinks, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more.
Rather proclaim it presently through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart. His passport shall be made
And crowns for convoy put into his purse:
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is called the Feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a-tiptoe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall see this day and live t'old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian":
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now abed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day. (IV, iii)

1. Roy Blunt, House Republican Whip, would like everyone to believe that upcoming attempt to vote again on SCHIP is a political stunt timed with the fires in California. Because fires only affect Republicans right? Oh wait, is that because many of them are closeted flaming? Democrats are affected to but SCHIP cannot wait. It cannot sit there while the President and his water carriers do nothing. Afraid to deal? bring it on. Every nay cast means a political ad in reelection will show what a nay does.

2. With all these complaints about how much SCHIP costs, its funny that only one Republican showed up to a hearing about the costs of the Iraq War. The White House says it isn't worried about the number either. Ironically, the Republican Presidential candidates debated who was better with money too recently. Thanks for not being responsible.

3. Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, had her testimony altered in a panel about the impact on public health by global warming. The White House seriously changed the concerns to benefits. Yay, you know whats a benefit is? Massive fires in California...oh I actually don't know what the word benefit means. The White House says people who die from cold will benefit...oy

4. Faux News threw out the idea that Al Qaeda caused the fires in California. Really...I mean really...They cited a recent document in an article that thought Al Qaeda would start forest fires in a series of states (California wasn't one of them). What they don't tell you is that by recent, they mean four years ago by a writer who doesn't work at the paper anymore. But you know Faux, if there's fear there must be Al Qaeda. I'm scared of committal relationships, should I blame Al Qaeda?

5. Britney Spears alert! She never paid her back up dancers for the greatest worst performance in years at the VMAs.

6. Amy Winehouse says as her confidence goes down her hair gets bigger. Weird. I wonder if that's true for Marge Simpson.

7. Rudy Giuliani is rooting for the Red Sox...I know how insane is that? While I actually understand the whole rooting for your league and all. Yankees fans don't root for Red Sox under any terms and vice versa is true. Red Sox fans would boo Lou Gehrig during his speech. There's legitimate venom. Rudy, do you want to remind New York why they don't like you?

8. I was watching How I Met Your Mother (a show I love), and Barney introduced a chart that is important for the survival of mankind. The crazy to hot ratio for women. Its brilliant and true. The craziness must stay proportionate to the hotness. Simple right? How come we never really figure it out?

9. I bought the parts to my new computer...yup geekasm. Beware internet...shit just got real...okay I don't listen to myself...ever.

10. I think I am the only person I know who watches Dirty Sexy Money. I'll admit I actually enjoy it though I started watching it and still watch it because of that odd crush I have for Samaire Armstrong. Do you have a show that you continue to watch for all the wrong reasons? I have a dozen...but tv and me have an absurd love.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Week 7 NFL Roundup

So as Chris has already mentioned, JK Rowling has butted into our news cycle yet again. Honestly, I get the feeling the only reason she did this is because nobody mentioned wizards for a couple of months now that her last book is out. Oh look at me! I'm a best-selling children's author! I suddenly have an opinion on everything but nobody's paying attention! I'm wondering what happens in another 4 months when, once again, nobody is talking about her books or her. Do Hermione and Ron get divorced? Maybe Harry can get cancer! Go away Rowling. You had your moment, now shut up and go away.

On to football.

Tampa Bay at Detroit/New England at Miami/Random games
Seriously, watching ASF watch football is hilarious. For those of you who haven't seen it, please do. You will not be disappointed. He actually stormed up next to another couple's table yelling at the TV very loudly and passionately and flailing his arms. I thought he was going to accidentally punch the guy in front of him. I felt bad for them and I think ASF realized that he was intruding on some personal space because he quickly apologized and sat back down. They looked terrified.

I have started drinking...

Meanwhile, I'm dividing my attention between the Giants game and the Patriots game. As much as I hate the Patriots, I have to admit they are probably the greatest football team I have ever witnessed. Its incredible. Its not even fair what they are doing to other people. Hell, on one fantasy team I have Laurence Maroney, Wes Welker, Ben Watson, and Kyle Brady. If its possible, just load up on Patriots and go to town. I don't even remember who the Giants are playing but I do know that they are dealing with it handily. Good lord though, Tom Brady is ripping the Dolphins a new blowhole. As some of you may remember, I once mentioned that Tom Brady could perform vile and illegal acts on a nun while drunk and still get away with it because he is so beloved in New England. I'm now upgrading that to a bus full of nuns. With perhaps an orphan or two thrown in. No wait, a bus full of orphans being chaperoned by Nuns. There is no stopping Tom Brady. He runs on the souls of orphans now. Look out Peyton, Tom's going to devour your spleen if you aren't careful.

I'm filling up another drink while ASF continues to yell at his team and the Buccs. The rocking has started. As he's rocking, and I'm filling up my drink, Anthony and I start rocking back and forth as well. The entire table sees us and starts to laugh but ASF doesn't realize whats going on until someone warns him. He turns around and declares he has no friends and "fuck my friends." Good times had by all.

I'm super nervous about the Bears-Eagles game. I will admit, that I had way way WAY too much to drink and I'm going to blame the Bears-Eagles game. Three beer towers will do that to you.

Finally, the Lions are victorious, the snuff film that is Patriots-Dolphins ends, and a bunch of other teams win.

As you all may have noticed, Chris is still alive. Thats because Devin Hester had 0 Return yards. Good job Andy Reid. I don't have to drive up to Philly to kill you. Of course, thats about the only thing the Eagles did right on this day. If I thought the Eagles - Jets game was boring, well hoo-wee was this a barn burner. Field goals galore! Good lord this game is boring, can you really blame me for getting smashed? Its not like I had much else to do. The Eagles offense sucked ass and then the Bears offense sucked ass. Yawn. Finally in the last 5 minutes, the game got interesting with an Eagles touchdown. Bears have to go 97 yards in under 2 minutes. Game's in the bag. So then why the feeling of dread? Well it was well deserved because the Bears rolled right down the field, touchdown, Bears win, Eagles season died. Just like that. I'm still going to keep watching, because in the NFC, you never know who's going to make the playoffs but at this point I've lost hope. Also, at this point, I'm hoping the Redskins do well in the NFC East. I would much rather see them be successful than the Giants or the Goddamned Cowboys. I mean, if I have to choose, I'm choosing the Redskins. I won't be getting that drunk again though, I can tell you that. I have nothing to be nervous about.

I'm just here for the wings.


This week's Fantasy Team name is TwoDogs in a Bathtub. The technique is performed by forcing both your testicles into the lady's asshole, the idea being that it is just as difficult to get both balls in there as it is to keep two live dogs in a bathtub. Honestly, I have no idea who comes up with this crap, but just remember. People react to things they've done or seen. They just don't make stuff up. Now try to sleep at night.


So two things to start. I was watching CSI Miami last night. Its a show that I love for peculiar reasons of course. One of the things I love about the show is that David Caruso always has an utterly cliche quip right before the opening credits while he's either putting on his glasses or taking them off. Sometimes I really just want him to say "This....looks like it could be....the final countdown" or "that toaster...has proven...too costly." Y'know something meaningless. Another aspect I love about the show is Caruso's character name, Horatio Cane. One, its badass sounding and I didn't think Horatio could ever sound anything of the sort. Two, it reminds me that people used to name their kid Horatio because they hated them and wanted them to be British. Cane, himself, is a ridiculously awesome bad ass. The show combines Bad Boys and CSI which of course is great. H.C., as the kids say, shoots people, rides in a cool black SUV, has car chases, and generally gets the job done. However, it occurs to me in the show that H.C. accuses pretty much every guest of the crime. One game I like to play is guess how many people he'll accuse of murdering someone or some random crime. The last aspect of CSI Miami I'll talk about is that there are a remarkable amount of hot women who work in the CSI in Miami. Seriously...its insane. Furthermore they like to play with gadgets...always a plus. Oh and Ainsley Hayes is one of them. This is why I love CSI Miami.

Second thing and this will be short, on the metro today, there was a elderly grandmother who had her grandchild carry around a notebook so she could tell her sage advice. It was hilarious, the girl had a on a snow cap for some reason and the grandmother would keep saying "now y'got your note book?" little girl raises it up again. "Okay, never look people in the eye on the train. Y'know why?" girl shakes her head no. "because there are crazy people on the train." But I caught part of this for 20 minutes and I did my best to not laugh. Onto the list.

1. Anyone else notice that Osama Bin Laden has a great understanding of foreign policy aims of the President. That he says exactly what is in our aims right when the President requests more money for Iraq? The scheduling must be brutal for him to release a message just as the President asks for more money. I wonder if Bin Laden says by not helping out children's health care you aiding him?

2. The fires out in California are truly brutal. As far as I can tell, Arnold is doing his best to fight them and retain order. This isn't a partisan issue unless you're Glen Beck. On October 22nd, Glen Beck stated on his radio show, "I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.” This is why I keep hoping a toilet seat from the International Space Station hits him or destroys his home. When I hear Conservatives say that they don't question patriotism ever, I can't help but laugh.

3. The Dumbledore is gay thread has blown open the internet. Crazy Christians are all over the place flipping out. I still don't care about his sexuality. I did laugh at a blog post at Blogs for Brownback when someone said Dumbledore doesn't deserve to live on this Earth....hey yeah, its a book genius. Scott brought up an interesting point. What's the point of all of this for JK Rowling? Saddened by the lack of attention? I miss the days when ambiguity in literary texts was something for readers to reach an understanding. I'm still waiting for the people in denial to flip out. Probably like a nerdier version of the Rock Hudson fall out.

4. Meet the new Terror Buster logo that the CIA came up with. Over at Rising Hegemon, they found the striking parallel with Ghostbusters. I love it. I've been humming the theme all morning.
5. Anyone watch Dancing with the Stars, I don't which saddens me because I actually considered it because Mark Cuban was going to be on. Anyway, Marie Osmond apparently went crazy then fainted on stage. If anyone saw this, I'm curious on details.

6. If you buy the Amy Winehouse live special dvd, you get a pint glass and an ash tray with her name on it. Anyone else find that ironic and odd. I think they should go further, I think there should be Amy Winehouse syringes, Amy Winehouse bongs, and maybe Amy Winehouse whigs.

7. Apparently, Halle Berry made an anti semetic remark on Leno that she saw someone who looked like it could be her Jewish cousin. I suspect overreaction. Its not like she made a Holocaust joke.

8. Its not everyday that you can say James Lipton is a pimp and mean it. The Inside Actors Studio host once was a pimp in Paris. How can there not be a future Will Farrell skit? I just keep laughing about this.

9. Here's a review of Britney Spears' new album. I especially love the line of "If a blow up sex doll could sing, this is what she would sound like."

10. Holy, god Salt-N-Pepa are back and they're remixing Whatta Man for Obama.

11. Here's a did you know? This is because someone actually was wondering out loud that they didn't like the name of the show Grey's Anatomy. The name is a play off of the legendary book Gray's Anatomy currently in its 39th edition and is the bible of anatomy.

Monday, October 22, 2007


I've been told that I'm overly political, preachy, arrogant, self centered, I don't know what the ground looks like because I'm on my high horse and maybe evil or at least amoral. Okay, probably but those last two can't be too congruent with high horse morality. Anyway, I'll talk about politics because it matters, I'll still obsess over weird celebrity news, and I'll still be esoteric. Say what you will about my politics, at least I have fun with it.

PS. I'm still alive after watching Bears somehow win against the Eagles with Scott.

1. John Bolton has a new book coming out. In case you didn't think he was dick, hear him in his own words what a dick he is. He literally went out of his way to foil Colin Powell and later on Condi Rice in proper diplomatic measures with Iran. He declares US foreign policy in free fall...was that before or after your work, John?

2. I'm hearing reports of minors are donating massive amounts of money to Mitt Romney. For some reason, I kinda hope it really is their parents living vicariously. If they're really doing it on their own, well that's an odd road they're taking.

3. Turkey is going to Iraq....this can't be good. Someone go read a history book about Iraq. The section where Turkey invades Mosul during the 20s might be useful.

4. Holy god, the Ellen drama continues. Y'know stories like Ellen's doggy drama are more reserved for people without me....But when Brian Williams talks about it....sheesh. Anyway, her exproducer is claiming that she regifted a dog the exproducer gave to her. Howard Stern says he's hearing she's done this nine times before....that is the oddest hobby ever...not true, I'm sure there are worse...ask Scott about any of the things in the urban dictionary.

5. Pavorotti left his family in debt of 25 million dollars. Mortgages on four homes will do that.

6. There are crimes that are unforgivable. Wearing the tee shirt of the band you're seeing at the concert is unforgivable. Wearing a tee shirt of yourself is mildly funny but unforgivable. But getting arrested with a tee shirt of yourself is hilarious. Kid Rock was arrested for a brawl at get this, a Waffle House and he had a tee shirt of himself on. Twelve hours of jail=days of hilarity.

8. I was watching Bill Maher last night on my DVR and there were people in the audience disrupting it with 9/11 conspiracy yelling. I'm not even kidding. Maher being awesome goes and kicks them out. But I just want to know, how are you not crazy by yelling almost incoherently on a live show? Do you get any point outside of you being crazy? The worst part is that my side is always clumped with them.

9. Albus Dumbledore is gay...JK Rowling has revealed. Wow, why don't you give the Christian conservatives another reason to overreact? On a lighter note, who cares? Its like revealing that Harry Osborne was gay in the Spiderman movies.

10. I have to read Clash of Civilizations again for the millionth time...seriously, every conversation about the article on whatever level comes out the same. The conservatives rail on how China and Islam are trying to defeat/kill everyone. Liberals disagree and cite specific instances where it isn't true. Conservatives have the look of someone who is hating unpatriotic pricks who are soft and appeasers, liberals are baffled at how much disdain conservatives have for everything non Red, white or blue...stressing white. Its going to be hilarious and awful tomorrow.

11. I promise I'll post Stephen Colbert on Meet the Press tonight.

12. Football. God I love it. I saw my favorite college quarterback Brian Griese have a brilliant drive without any coach assistance and no time outs...oh right, it was a shitty game but I got to watch it with friends which always helps. I also watched a stressed out Lions game and Patriots game that resembled a snuff film at this point. Anyway, on the Bears game, I saw a horrific snap where Olin Kruetz snapped the ball into his own ass. I was remarkably impressed that Andy Reid knew the rule that made that a false start. Lovie clearly didn't know about it. The only good moments about that game were the last maybe 5 minutes where both teams actually looked like functioning offenses. Griese having a 97 yard minute and a half drive really just distorts that nothing much happened in the game other than a lot of field goals and McNabb had a excellent drive.

PS. I don't think the Eagles were cheating when Griese's headset shut off and he had to call his own plays. So this makes me question Patriots cheating because I've often thought they were when the accusations of it occurs when playing at home, Patriots opponents will lose connection on the headsets. However, if the Eagles were cheating at home like the Patriots have been accused of more often than anyone else....who knows

Friday, October 19, 2007

Word on the street

1. Rapper T.I was arrested last weekend on gun charges. I think there are two bigger issues everyone is overlooking. 1. Why doesn't T.I. have members in his posse to take the blame. This is imperative for all people in the entertainment. 2. Why does have a file photo with a rapper from Atlanta in a Brewers hat. I suppose T.I stands for Traiterous Individual.

2. Stephen Colbert is running for President, but not wasting his time with the worthless states. I always considered the other 49 states "flyover states" anyway.

3. If you're a hippie like me, (and I assume most of you aren't because you're reading this while taking a Starbucks break from your corporate sell-out job) you'll love this website. It has all the upside of going to a jam band's concert, but without having to hang out with people that smell funny and have awkwardly unrealistic optimism.

4. I don't know much about hell, but I have a feeling someone is about to spend eternity being violated by a man in a yellow hat.

5. Nerds rejoice. Your tragic period of not having a Star Trek to watch is almost over.
(Spoiler Alert: Spock is going to slice open the heads of everyone else and take their powers.)
(P.S. If you got that reference you are officially nerdy enough to watch the movie)


Well I'll be. An NFL preview! Amazing right? Shut up. Anyways, the reason I'm doing this is not because of any of the so-called "good games." Sure, Indy v. Jacksonville looks like it could be a really good game, but who cares? The thing that matters is that the Bears are playing the Eagles. Thats right, its my team vs. Chris' team. Both teams are underperforming. You've got one team thats led by a guy who's got 2 sons in jail and can't seem to figure out that he has a great running game so decides to throw the ball 40 fucking times a game with a quarterback coming back from injury. You've got the other team that is ravaged on defense by injuries, is slowly figuring out that it traded the wrong running back, and is starting a different quarterback than it started at the beginning of the season. Oh, and that other team also happens to have Devin Hester, perhaps one of the most exciting players in the NFL right now.

I think my Eagles have a pretty good shot at winning this. The Bears defense seems like it can be pretty good in the early game but it just doesn't have the depth to make it over the long haul. Thats not their fault. Thats the fault of the Super Bowl curse coming to bite them in the ass. They still get to the quarterback a lot but they can't seem to stop the run. Did you know that the Bears are the 26th or 27th ranked defense in the NFL in total yards? Is that true? Can that be right? The Bears offense is still coughing up the ball a lot, despite the absense of Wrecks, and with Cedric Benson averaging only about 3 yards a carry, I can honestly say that the offense doesn't frighten me.

The Eagles offense has shown that when it gets into a groove it can move the football. And move it really fast. Plus, Brian Westbrook is averaging about 7 yards a touch. Thats a pretty damn good figure. The Eagles defense has actually been the most pleasant surprise this season, to me. They are playing well and they are keeping us in games where we honestly should be getting blown out. Plus, Lito Sheppard may return to the game! That would be great. Even Brian Dawkins is practicing right now which is also very exciting. The Eagles special teams however are crap and can't return or tackle to save their damned lives.

So, what does frighten me? Devin Fucking Hester. As I have already mentioned, if Andy Reid decides to test him and kick the ball right at him, I'm going to drive to Philly and kill him. At the same time, I know that if Devin Hester ends up raping the Eagles, Chris is going to be cackling like a goddamned hyena.

Folks there could be blood. There will definitly be swearing and drinking. But blood is possible. I may have to stand up and stab him in the eye with a fork. Then I'll steal Jim's keys and so on and so forth with the killing. Perhaps when I do so, I'll strap Chris' bleeding corpse to the top of Jim's truck and head up I-95. I figure seeing something like that will be about par for the course in New Jersey at the very least.

I know that Chris and I are going to probably get very emotional during the game and we will be yelling at each other but more likely yelling at the tv. So here's the point. Do you like booze? Do you like football? Do you like two grown men yelling at a tv? Does the idea of killing pique your interest? Are you getting tired of me asking all these questions? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" I invite you down to Old Dominion Brewery on Sunday at 4:15 pm to watch the Bears take on the Eagles in Philadelphia.

At the very least, you can get drunk.


I'll do Graffiti if You Sing to Me in French

I'm glad that 154 Republicans and 2 Democrats would like to not support S-CHIP. I truly look forward to campaigning against them. I'm truly looking forward to framing the issue around the notion that 40 days in Iraq money could play for 10 million kids in a year. But y'know what, let's pay for Iraq and not children because our kids can't be in too good shape if we're going to send them to Iraq when they're older. John Boehner thinks its an outrage to exhibit kids for this...really? Boehner, who uses them for his campaign as often as possible, is an asshole. I'm looking forward to the day when Faux News is filled with former GOP Congressmen who can't understand why they didn't win reelection in 2008. So FUCK YOU 154 Republicans, 2 Democrats, and the entire Bush Administration. Onto the list which is almost 2/3 larger today!

1. Dennis Hastert is retiring before his term is up. No, its not because he misses being majority leader too much. No, its not because no one has any respect for him even in his own party (PS, they never did). Its because they're linking him to Duke Cunningham (Most corrupt congressman ever). Okay, (Most corrupt to be caught...still want Delay to go down in flames).

2. Fred Thompson may have gotten the worst tacit endorsement ever. Fred Phelps, y'know the guy who has a group of people show up to funerals of dead soldiers with large banners saying support of gays caused this, apparently saw and maybe still does see eye to eye with Phelps on the gay issue. I think its safe to say in a bipartisan way that Fred Phelps is an awful person...okay he's not human....

3. Sam Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race...probably a wise thing to do. His fund raising was really bad due to him not being conservative enough in hating immigrants. He was the most social conservative of the group though. What this has caused though is a migration of supporters to Mike Huckabee, the only Republican in field I don't mind. I won't vote for him but he makes the debate good.

4. Did CNN really cut away from the Dalai Lama's speech yesterday? That can't be good for karma...they'd rather talk about the Oral Roberts scandal.

5. Jessica Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld's wife, may have committed plagiarism. Her book “Deceptively Delicious” has way too much in common with “The Sneaky Chef” by Missy Chase Lapine. So what's the deal with plagiarism?

6. Unfitney is truly remarkable. I wonder how shocked she really is that she has lost total custody of her children...guess what showing up late to court meetings doesn't help you with a judge. Furthermore, she's in a hit and run investigation and now she has run over a Paparazzi photographer. Now, no one really defends the Paparazzi but she does summon them a lot so she can get attention.

7. Amy Winehouse! Oh the excitement...Amy Winehouse and her cracked out husband have been arrested and detained in Norway for drug possession. I don't know why Norway has to get in the way of Amy Winehouse's dream of screwing up in every stop Congo.

8. There's a rumor going around that LiLo has gotten engaged to snow boarder Ryan Giles...pretty sure it isn't true but as we all know all good relationships start in rehab. Ryan Giles could be new K-Fed of our generation...

9. Do I really need to say anything about this?
10. “I was craving bone marrow one day, and I scoured the whole of Paris searching for the leg of a cow. When I finally found what I was looking for, I cut it in half, digging out the yellowish substance, slathering it all over bread.” Yup, Milla Jovovich now grosses me out but it is kinda hilarious...perhaps she's been taking her Resident Evil movies too seriously.

11. 3,000 dollars for a Hannah Montana ticket....fathers donning womens' clothes to win tickets...what the hell is going on? Is her concert a shamanic experience because if so acid is a lot cheaper.

12. Yes I'm still going because these next two matter. Joey Bishop has died. Funnyman extraordinare, he legitimately still made people laugh till the end but y'know what made him awesome? He hung out with the coolest people who ever lived. Joey Bishop was the last of the Ratpack. Anyone funny enough, likable enough, and cool enough to hang out with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy David Jr. and Peter Lawford (he was the lame one), deserves a toast.

13. Deborah Kerr has also died. She never won an Oscar despite nominated 6 times and only got one via an honorary one. However, she was in arguably the greatest scenes in movie history in "From Here to Eternity."

Cheers Ms. Kerr,

PS. Everyone who has ever decided the beach was a good idea for this owes you a gratitude as well as a condemnation, getting sand out is always annoying.

14. John Stewart on Daily Show into 2010.

15. Ellen canceled the taping of her show today because of that dog scandal.

16. I'll admit it. I have a crush on Uma Thurman...yes, I know I have lots of crushes and women I call dibs on and etc. But what exactly did you think when you looked in the mirror before going out, Uma?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Old Is New Again

It should come as no great surprise to anyone that Hollywood is running out of ideas. Sequels and remakes abound in today's theaters. This is happening because Hollywood is risk averse and also because they are hoping to tap into a deep corner or our minds that remembers the good old days. Essentially, Hollywood is trying to sell my childhood back to me at today's prices.

I say good for them.

Of course, not all retreads work. Take for instance, the Heartbreak Kid. Chris has recently blogged that the executive producer or the director or some dumbass is blaming the failure of the movie on Halo 3. Thats a bunch of bullshit. Lets start with the fact that the ads for the movie made it look terrible. Additionally, Ben Stiller isn't funny. He never has been. He was only genuinely funny in one movie, and that was There's Something About Mary. Speaking of which, watch that movie again. Its really not that funny any more. Third, the movie was made by the Farrelley brothers. Again, they aren't funny. Again, the last movie they made that was funny was There's Something About Mary. Me, Myself, and Irene had its moments but I wouldn't put it on that same level. And seriously, who ever watches their movies more than once? They make bad movies whose humor is based more on shock than anything else. It gets old and tiresome. So, to the shit-wizards of Heartbreak Kid I would like to inform you that I did not skip your movie because I was plowing through Halo 3. I actually beat Halo 3 before your movie came out. I skipped your movie because it looked terrible, the Farrelley brothers aren't funny, and I despise Ben Stiller's existance. But I digress...

Yesterday, I picked up the Transformers DVD and watched it that night. When Optimus Prime says "My name... is Optimus Prime" I had a reaction that combined the ideas of "Hell yeah it is!" and "Glee!!!" My Saturday movie cartoons are back but with $200 million budgets. When I bought the DVD I stood in Best Buy for about 10 minutes holding up the movie and the movie that came with a toy in either hand trying to decide what to do. I chose just the movie and now I view this as a poor decision. It is my full intention to return to Best Buy and buy the bigger more expensive toy and then put it in cubicle. I want to somehow use the toy to signify my availability. Also, when I get bored I get to just sit there and play with a Transformer. Tell me this isn't an awesome idea. Just try it.

See, I feel that we are forced to give up those things that gave us joy when we were younger. Things that were invasive marketing campaigns only designed to sell more toys and retreads of those same toys were somehow pure in that I wanted them and they were fun. I didn't need anything more. I didn't worry about lead content due to poor Chinese regulations. I didn't worry about slave labor being used to produce my toy. I didn't worry about Wal-Mart carrying the toy and thus driving down prices and forcing small business owners out. These weren't my concern. The only thing that mattered was that Optimus Prime came with a trailer hitch and that he kicked ass.

Now? All I want is to go out and buy a big shiney toy and put it in robot mode to say "I'm busy" or vehicle mode to say "You can talk to me." Will my office mates understand? Of course not. But who cares? The joy derived from Transformers is pure. So fuck them.

Hollywood also previously made a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated movie that had a fairly incomprehensible plot but I didn't care because the Turtles were kicking ass. Two of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons made it to the big screen and in a good way. So to my corporate masters out in Hollywood, I just have one request. Complete the Triumvarate. If you make me a GI Joe movie, I will see it. I will pay good money to see it. So now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.
*Cue themesong and American Flag*



I was thinking about this recently.

"Liberals got women the right to vote. Liberals got African-Americans the right to vote. Liberals created Social Security and lifted millions of elderly people out of poverty. Liberals ended segregation. Liberals passed the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. Liberals created Medicare. Liberals passed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act. What did Conservatives do? They opposed them on every one of those things...every one! So when you try to hurl that label at my feet, 'Liberal,' as if it were something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something to run away from, it won't work, Senator, because I will pick up that label and I will wear it as a badge of honor." -- Matt Santos, The West Wing

Its a quote from one of my favorite shows and its a quote that I actually believe. Onto the list.

1. In case you can't tell the top word, its Fiscal. So there's irony, he's neither fiscally responsible nor does he take responsibility for anything. President Bush is back to doing soft ball town halls. Currently, he only polls better than Paris Hilton.

2. Rudy Giuliani has hit Obama with the cliched "You're no Ronald Reagan" bit. Really, I mean really? Rudy, you're no Lloyd Bentson. Now you may be wondering who he is? I know it happens, I make obscure references. But Lloyd Bentson's gift to politics was the phrase "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." He said this in response to Dan Quayle comparing himself to John Kennedy in the 1988 Vice Presidential Debate. The whole quote is "Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy: I knew Jack Kennedy; Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." Rudy, are you ready to be Michael Dukakis?

3. Speaking of Barack Obama, he's apparently related to Dick Cheney. They're 8th cousins. How weird is that? Its really complex but apparently true. If I'd found that out, I'd probably shower a lot maybe even as much as one of my room mates does. Somehow that'll help.

4. This SCHIP war going on in Congress and the media really does keep going for amazing reasons. Its bipartisan on an unusual way. The President is the usual stubborn bastard he is. His water carriers in the right wing media are crazy as ever. The Democrats put forth human examples on why the SCHIP is good program. Providing healthcare to children is a great program that Republicans and Democrats agree on but the far right has sought to destroy any human face. Some argue that its fair game when you put children out there or whoever. That isn't true if you spread lies about them. Spreading lies on this 12 year old's family and now a two year old's family is remarkably cruel. One of Malkin's people wanted a public hanging of the 12 year old and his whole family...I'm glad these right wingers were all about this for Terri Schaivo...oh wait they weren't. But the reason that the President hates this program and his water carriers hate this, it shows that some government programs work. He'd rather send 200 Billion over to Iraq than help children here.

PS. Mitch McConnell's office started the spread of lies about these families. Your tax dollars paid for him to put a political hit job with his Communications Director Don Stewart.

PPS. Mitch McConnell has now lied about his office's involvement. Its hard when lots of people have your Com Director's email.

5. Has anyone seen this video of Trent Wisecup, Chief of Staff of Michigan Republican Congressman Joe Knollenberg? He goes crazy on this annoying blogger (not me) calling him unAmerican and things like that. I'll post the video tonight. Its kinda amusing his list of things that he declares unAmerican. HUAC! Anyway, Rachel Maddow had a great commentary on Countdown last night on it which will be posted with the video. Great job Trent, you just put an obscure Michigan Congressman on the map for reasons you probably shouldn't.

PS. Rachel Maddow is really awesome.

6. Ellen Degeneres broke down on her show yesterday. It was particularly odd. I mean, here's the story from what I can tell. She adopted a dog from an animal shelter. The dog didn't get along with her cats...that American Express or Visa commercial totally not true. Anyway, she gave the dog to the daughter of her hair dresser. Animal shelter goes crazy crusade on her because they don't allow that apparently. They seize the dog back and make little girl cry and then Ellen cry on TV. They also threaten to go to the media for whatever reasons. Fun huh? Gosh I remember the day that animal shelters just wanted pets to have a happy home.

7. Okay, I'm confused to when I should have thought the Olsen Twins were hot? I missed that somehow. But I feel I need to give this one a cheese burger and maybe a few dollars. Turn that frown upside down!
8. Apparently, LiLo is loose again and drinking because of her sobering experience. That's quaint. I also hear she's dangerously low on funds due to legal fees, three time really expensive rehab fees, and that she hasn't made a money making movie in awhile. Life's a bitch. Oh she's apparently dating someone who is already engaged...that's commitment.

9. Francis Ford Coppola has lashed out at DeNiro, Pacino, and Nicholson for essentially being lazy and decadent. Yeah, you're the guy who was lazy enough to cast his own daughter in Godfather 3. Oh wait, what's the last thing you did? I can't remember, oh that's right you manage hotels you own in Latin America and bankroll your daughter's films (most are actually pretty good). Coppola make a good movie with unknown actors again then make that claim.

10. Unfitney has been booked, finger printed, and photographed for a hit and run she did back in August. It helps the ever so responsible Paparazzi were filming the incident. Thank you for watching out for us.

11. An extra to the list today, George Lucas is in the process of making another Star Wars thing for TV. I'd really like for him to finish the first one before starting this one. Better yet, finish the new Indiana Jones movie. This new Star Wars venture is about minor characters....well that narrows the audience.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Week 6 NFL Roundup

So after a bit of a hiatus last week, I have returned to my football roundup! Naturally we headed back to ODB. I feel like it was even better this time because once again it wasn't very crowded and we had a better waiter. Which only makes things better in my mind. This week, it was only Chris and myself but things started off well when he asked whether he should get a salad or a sandwich and I looked at him and simply asked "salad?" Point made, sandwich order up!

Philadelphia AT New York Jets/Minnesota at Chicago
Luckily, both our games were on so Chris and I were able to watch quite easily. Though it was funny because the TV for our games was behind each other. Which was interesting. We'd be carrying on a normal conversation when all of the sudden one of us would start yelling and jumping out of our seat. High comedy. The Eagles game was fairly bland and if not for the victory, I'd much rather have watched the Bears game which featured a guy who could easily end up being the next great running back in the NFL. Though in what comes as a surprise to no one, Devin Hester returned a punt for a touchdown. Now, I have a question. Why do people kick the ball to Hester? To me, that is the height of insanity. I don't care how good you think your special teams are, don't kick it to him. Don't even kick it near him. Kick it out of bounds. Whats that? You'll give them good field position if you do that? Who the fuck cares! Hester will either score a touchdown or give the Bears good field position. I say you eliminate the chance of the touchdown. The Eagles play the Bears next week, and I swear to God, that if Andy Reid kicks the ball to Hester, I'm going to steal D'Jimbo's truck, drive up there, and kill him. He's pissed me off quite a bit this year and kicking to Hester would only enrage me further.

It was also at this point that Chris and I had a discussion about whether or not the Metroid Prime franchise is one of the greatest games of all time. I say no. My reasons are actually pretty simple. It didn't change anything when it comes to gaming, its always been the same game, over and over again, and quite frankly, the series was on the Gamecube and the Wii. If we are talking about recent games as some of the best games ever, the Halo franchise is definitely on the list. Halo launched the X-Box. Without Halo the X-Box would have been a failure, no doubt about it. You bought the X-Box just to play Halo. Additionally, the multiplayer in Halo redefined console multiplayer in general. Halo helped launch X-Box live. Hell, I bought an X-Box 360 just so I could play Halo 3 eventually. Then it came out and Halo 3 set the record for the one day sale of any intellectual property. Halo also redefined the way that console shooters do storytelling. To that point, no first person shooter had had such a grand plot. Most were just bad ports of PC shooters. Now you can say that the commercial success should have no bearing on the place a game holds in any list, but I would disagree. If nobody plays it, then its hard to benchmark it. Above anything else though, Halo changed a genre and became a game that all others were judged against. Metroid Prime is only judged against the other games in the series and the formula hasn't changed since the 1980's. In essence, it only updated a classic.

Also, its about this point that the Bears tied up their game with the Vikings. Chris let out a roar that I'm pretty sure scared everyone in the entire bar. To be honest, I didn't know he had the lungs for it. It was deep and gutteral and I was a little taken aback. However, the celebration was short lived and he just stood up and goes "lets leave." Fair enough.

New England at Dallas:
Now this looked like it could be an interesting game. Two unbeatens with two high octane offenses. Well one of those offenses managed to stay active the whole game. Though it was amusing to keep being reminded that TO left some idiotic self serving letter telling reporters to get their popcorn ready. Wow. That was stupid. You're playing a team that already says "everyone's against us because we're a bunch of cheaters and that asshole thinks he's going to have a good day. Well lets fuck his shit up." If anything though, the Patriots are definitely playing without class. That last touchdown to make it 48-27 was completely unnecessary. A quick kneal down was all you needed. Hell, even Junior Seau thought the game was over until they called another offensive play. Completely unnecessary and yet, I'm happy it happened to the Cowboys. Dicks.

New Orleans at Seattle:
Imagine a game that nobody cares about. No, not Carolina at Arizona. At least that game had Vinny Testaverde to make things funny. Think harder. Yup, this game. Who gives a fuck? The NFC West is a shambles and if I have to hear one more story about Katrina and the New Orleans Saints, I'm going to stab whoever is closest to me. Odds are its going to be either Chris or D'Jimbo. Unfortunate but true. If I could, I would stab someone else, but these are the rules. Anywho, Reggie Bush started to have a good game and the Saints jumped out ahead and blah blah blah and oh fuck it. I went to bed before halftime, thats how much I didn't care.

Monday night also features a pretty lackluster game. I haven't even been watching Monday night games because I've been watching Heroes. I know I have a DVR but really, I don't care. The game selection hasn't been good and as I have elaborated on numerous times in the past I hate Kornheiser on MNF. I'll start watching it once he's gone and they actually get a game I care about. New York Giants vs. Atlanta? So what.

Getcha popcorn ready.


My office team name for the week was the Alabama Hot Pocket. Doesn't that sound delicious? Well its not as delicious as it sounds. In order to achieve the Hot Pocket, one must spread your lady's vagina open, take a dump inside, and then proceed to fuck this horrible concoction of sin-against-God. Yummy!


I am celebrating today. Somehow, Geraldo Rivera is responsible. Seriously, I know. Michelle Malkin will no longer be on the O'Reilly Factor! Here is her email she sent out informing people.

From: “Michelle Malkin”
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2007 23:04:58 -0400
Subject: Re: Michelle no longer on the Factor?
I made the decision to quit appearing on the O’Reilly show in response to the poor handling of the Geraldo Rivera matter (the staged “apology” on The Factor was a complete farce). I won’t go into details, but please know that your support means a lot to me. You can catch me on other Fox News shows and read my daily blog posts and weekly columns at


This woman, if she can be considered human, is venomous and filled with rage. She has such infamous hits as "skeptical of the Bill of Rights," "prisoner suicides in Guantanamo Bay" are funny, and releasing addresses of people she doesn't agree with on the internet so her wack job followers like the recent SCHIP kid. She went and stalked that kid personally.

so before the list.

Oh you bet its over the top but for once, I'd like to be able to do this. I mean, I've had myself and pretty much every politician or celebrity I support compared to Osama Bin Laden and other terrorists.

1. Rudy says preparedness is key for all crises...including alien attacks..Yeah he gets asked about alien attacks within that preparedness section...while true, though I don't know anything about alien attacks outside of Independence Day and War of the Worlds. PS. Imagine him doing the Bill Pullman speech and its kinda funny...Speaking of preparedness, wouldn't that mean you don't keep your strategy center in the most visible and tallest structure? Just checking because Rudy shouldn't talk about preparedness.

2. Paul Krugman is quickly becoming one of my favorite commentators. Read this op-ed.

3. I have an apology to make for something. For years, I've said I liked Tucker Carlson and defended him in that I don't agree with him on much or anything but he seems like an alright guy and decent to carry on the dialogue. I was wrong. He joined Paul Krugman on Bill Maher, a favorite show of mine, and just came off as an ass. I swear punching him in the face would have been worth it.

4. Yes, I am a cliche liberal and I read the New York Times. STEPHEN COLBERT HAS AN OP-ED THIS WEEK! He hijacked Maureen Dowd's.

5. Heartbreak Kid looks like a shitty movie. Ben Stiller hasn't been able to carry a movie on his own in years. But why does the executive producer think the movie failed? Master Chief. Seriously, they think Halo 3 killed it...That's moronic and/or an acknowledgment that Halo is that awesome.

6. I hate Minnesota. Fucking Canada Jr.

7. I love that in college football its bad to be number 1...because you're bound to fall soon.

8. Prince Abdulla Al-Khalifa of Bahrain (Wealthiest guy in world with Playboy bunnies being held hostage) is suing Michael Jackson saying that he violated his contract to do two albums and a weird broadwayesque play. I love it when people like Prince Abdulla Al-Khalifa of Bahrain use the legal system like that when they've got a host of human rights violations.

9. Jerry Hall, once married to Mick Jagger, is writing a tell all....this should be interesting. With Harrison's ex writing a tell all and now Jagger's, I'll be about 40 when I hear about the one on Amy Winehouse.

10. At a tribute to Julia Roberts Brad Pitt and George Clooney did a Larry Craig spoof. Here's how it went.

"George Clooney wasn't able to make it, but he sent a video tribute. Gushing over his Ocean's costar while sitting in a bathroom stall, Clooney suddenly found himself in a Sen. Larry Craig situation. Someone was in the next stall trying to tap shoes with the Hollywood hunk.

When Clooney jumped up and quickly opened the stall door next to him, he found the culprit to be Brad Pitt!

A wide-eyed Pitt joked, "I have a wide stance."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Al Gore: Convenient and Inconvenient

Al Gore should have been President of the United States. Al Gore should be President of the United States. Al Gore should be running for President of the United States because he is the best candidate. Its that simple and yet it is an inconvenient truth. He has won a Nobel Peace Prize now. That Oscar was getting lonely. I am an Obama supporter as most people know but even I would support Gore as the ideal. Its that simple. Congrats to Al though on the Nobel Prize. If I were him, I would have taken a bit of enjoyment that Florida will be among the first screwed by rising sea levels...He didn't because he's a far better man than I am. Onto the list.

1. Why is Ann Coulter on every news show? She's listed as political analyst sometimes. Somehow, business expert at other times. Now, she's making theological statements in the hopes that she can become a theology expert. I still think her only expertise is transexuality and being a crazy bitch...she has that market cornered. But here's her little endeavor on theology.
COULTER: Well, OK, take the Republican National Convention. People were happy. They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America, they --

DEUTSCH: Christian -- so we should be Christian? It would be better if we were all Christian?


DEUTSCH: We should all be Christian?

COULTER: Yes. Would you like to come to church with me, Donny?

DEUTSCH: So I should not be a Jew, I should be a Christian, and this would be a better place? (snip) We should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians, then, or --


DEUTSCH: Really?

COULTER: Well, it's a lot easier. It's kind of a fast track.

DEUTSCH: Really?

COULTER: Yeah. You have to obey.

DEUTSCH: You can't possibly believe that.


DEUTSCH: You can't possibly -- you're too educated, you can't -- you're like my friend in --

COULTER: Do you know what Christianity is? We believe your religion, but you have to obey.

DEUTSCH: No, no, no, but I mean --

COULTER: We have the fast-track program.

COULTER: No, we think -- we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.

DEUTSCH: Wow, you didn't really say that, did you?

COULTER: Yes. That is what Christianity is. We believe the Old Testament, but ours is more like Federal Express. You have to obey laws. We know we're all sinners --

DEUTSCH: In my old days, I would have argued -- when you say something absurd like that, there's no --

COULTER: What's absurd?

DEUTSCH: Jews are going to be perfected. I'm going to go off and try to perfect myself --

COULTER: Well, that's what the New Testament says.

DEUTSCH: Ann Coulter, author of If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans, and if Ann Coulter had any brains, she would not say Jews need to be perfected.

Yup, I'm judging anyone who even owns a book by Ann Coulter as well as the people who put her on TV...

2. I am not a John Edwards supporter this time around. I think his moment passed in 2004 most likely because Ohio needed to tell people again why it sucks (as if it needed help). But it does not meant I don't like John Edwards. I wish him well and I hope that for his wife as well. I actually would like to see him as an AG. That said, he isn't the candidate now. Bill O'Reilly, a person I legitimately hate, has decided to rail on John Edwards for holding beliefs are right. Billo is jack ass once again in this video clip. Edwards is right on these issues but you should see this little hit job Billo launches because he "hates partisan politics."

3. Paul Krugman of the New York Times on that hitjob on SCHIP kid.

"All in all, the Graeme Frost case is a perfect illustration of the modern right-wing political machine at work, and in particular its routine reliance on character assassination in place of honest debate. If service members oppose a Republican war, they're "phony soldiers"; if Michael J. Fox opposes Bush policy on stem cells, he's faking his Parkinson's symptoms; if an injured 12-year-old child makes the case for a government health insurance program, he's a fraud.

Meanwhile, leading conservative politicians, far from trying to distance themselves from these smears, rush to embrace them. And some people in the news media are still willing to be used as patsies."

4. Bernard Kerik, Rudy's great idea for a Homeland Security Chief, is looking to have official charges of bribery, tax fraud, and obstruction of justice laid on him soon. Yup, I'm looking forward to more suggestions. I CAN'T QUIT YOU CORRUPTION!

5. Update on Faux's way of being fair and balanced with Al Gore. Right off the bat this morning. "What do Al Gore, Yasser Arafat, and that crazy Jimmy Carter have in common?" from Steve Doocy who is a dumb fuck stick anyway but that's how you start it? Honestly, an American won a Nobel Peace Prize again. That's shocking enough but you immediately go for red least the White House was gracious.

6. Lauren has informed the blog that Gilbert Arenas cheats at Halo 3...maybe if he spent less time cheating on Halo 3, he'd actually do better in the playoffs. I totally want to kick his ass in Halo 3 now.

7. Who has the more disastrous divorce right now? Paul McCartney, Unfitney, or Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards? And by disastrous, I mean kinda hilarious. In case you didn't know, McCartney's settlement collapsed.

8. LiLo's dad is apparently cheating on his girlfriend with someone who looks like LiLo...I wonder if that is a sobering experience?

9. Thanks to South Park, I now know what a Couric is a measure of in the South Park Universe. If you want to know, just ask..I'm still grossed out by the episode.

10. I legitimately think I'm the only person who wants to see Elizabeth: The Golden Age...anyone want to prove me wrong?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Oh hell yes...

My job basically consists of me dicking around on the internet all day. Because of this, I come across odd things that you wouldn't expect. Right now, the federal government's file on me must be quite interesting. As part of my job I have looked up disposal methods for nuclear waste, several hundred items in use by the military including, but not limited too, our entire nuclear arsenal, most vehicles used by the Air Force, and the effects of certain kinds of ammo on the human body, as well as the locations for all nuclear power plants on Earth. Also as part of my job, but quite inadvertantly, I have accidentally looked up a website for asian call girls, and several gay porn websites (a most unpleasant experiance). Because of the wide latitude I have when web surfing, I also get to look up completely frivolous things that have nothing to do with my job. And it was in this vein that I discovered this.

I have been obsessed with this since I saw it. I have been planning different ways that I could try to raise $1,500,000 so that I could buy this facility. I have been dreaming up different ways that I could retrofit it to serve as all sorts of different things. You could literally turn one of the buildings into your own personal IMAX theater if you wanted. The tunnels that link all the buildings together can probably accomadate a golf cart or two. What about this doesn't sound awesome?

Some of the options I've considered are converting two of the three missile silos into a pair of 16 story buildings. For what purpose? I haven't decided. Perhaps personal homes. Maybe as storage units. One of the thoughts that I have entertained is starting a farm on the property and using the silos as, well, silos. I could make cheese or something. Or I could raise cattle and use the silos as a big nasty slaughterhouse. Now that would be fun AND exciting! But those are only the mundane things to be considered.

What about getting into the level of James Bond supervillainy! I want to be a super villain. I think it'd be entertaining. And having a very large underground facility would seem to lend itself well to villainy. I mean, you've already got the missile silos. Now you just need to fill them with more missiles. Then you've got the underground buildings and, lets face it, one of them is going to have to be converted into a prison/torture chamber. No villain's hideout is complete without them. While we're at it, do we want a building where science experiments/crimes against nature/men playing god can be housed? I mean, do I want to go down that route as a villain? With the genetically engineered super soldiers? I suppose I do need someone to guard my nuclear missiles. And lets face it, genetically engineered super soldiers are always more reliable because you can always program in a genetic defect.

And what about just converting it into a giant home? Complete with all sorts of amenities. Like that personal IMAX theater. And maybe a helicopter landing pad and a small airstrip. You know, because, why not? No matter what, I'm going to retrofit one of the missile silos so that it looks vintage. That way my friends and neighbors can come by and see a real piece of American Cold War history.

So, won't you be my neighbor?



TA DA! This little gem has been passed out GW campuses recently. I love it. Anyone know any GW students? Because I want one. Number 2 on my prologue to the list, I hate Mitch McConnell and Right Wing nut jobs. I know you knew that already about me. But y'know that 12 year old kid who represented the opposition to President Bush's veto of the SCHIP program. The 12 year old who needed to be there so he could show that CHIP works because the President doesn't believe so. Bipartisan on a massive level, he and his water carriers are alone on the matter. But y'know why I center on Mitch McConnell and the Right Wing nut jobs? Because McConnell's office gave out the kid's address to people like Michelle Malkan and that sort. She went and stalked him and called the parents liars because the kids are in private school on scholarship. For God's sake, the kid was in a coma until recently. He's been receiving death threats by crazy Right Wingers...God help you if anything happens to that family. Mitch McConnell needs to be punished for giving out that information for a partisan hit job on a 12 year old on your tax dollars. Last point of prologue, go watch How I Met Your Mother. I watched last night the episode from Monday with it wrong that I was rooting for Ted to get the Tricycle? It is the American Dream. Still wondering about that. But that show is Legen....wait for it because I hope you're not lactose intolerant...dary. Onto the list.

1. The number 23...I watched the debate a couple nights ago and Rudy Giuiliani claimed that the he had cut taxes 23 times and that the US had stopped 23 terror plots (a number higher than the White House claims). I suppose 23 is more believable than 911 times for either but that is his favorite number. I wonder if he's going for 911 marriages...that'd be swell.

2. During the debate, Mitt Romney said that he would consult his lawyers about attacking Iran...probably the worst answer possible in this climate. Even Fred Thompson talked about talking to Congress and he still thinks he's on the Law and Order set. He's confused about Sam Waterston being so late. Mitt Romney has won over the monarchy crowd though so good for him.

3. Kiefer Sutherland has to serve 48 days in prison...That's 48 seasons of 24 for those keeping track. He wouldn't be in this trouble if he hadn't killed Curtis.

4. Unfitney Spears beat K-Fed...Wow just when you thought this couldn't be more pathetic...then BAM.

5. Around the rumor mill, Amy Winehouse was apparently signed to do the Bond theme for the next movie. She was fired rapidly recently as well...she was also going to do a cameo in the movie..honestly, who would hire her knowing that she would have to be up before 2 pm.

6. Michelle Rodriguez is going away for six, not only did she violate probation but she lied about her community service that she never did...yeah, I'm curious to see where her career is in six months.

7. Have you noticed that Faux News tends to think that Republicans who screw up are actually Democrats and labels them as such? James Oddo, that NY Councilman who flipped out on the fake Borat type interview, is actually a Republican not a Conservative Democrat guys.

8. Faux News is launching its War on Christmas early this it comes earlier every year but they've changed the framing of it this time. Its Air America and its war on religion...they then show two former employees of Air America in order to instill fear with Al Franken and Janeane Garafalo appearing. Neither works there anymore nor have they in some time. But it does get crazy Faux people's blood boiling. Take a look. I hate Faux...I wonder how they're going to cope with Janeane Garafalo being on 24.

9. Daily Show goodness

10. Scott and I want a Missile base in Washington State. I think this is an ongoing fund raising effort for a worthy cause.
Missile Base look

On Ebay

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I'm the guy you buy.

This weekend involved some of my favorite things on Earth and one that I hate. The Bears beat the Packers at Lambeau! Seriously, it made my week. I kept waiting for John Madden to wonder why Brett Favre couldn't see into the future. I'm always surprised that Madden can do a game because it must be hard when you're drooling about Favre. The Cubs are out of the playoffs and that made me sad...okay I don't do sadness made me angry. Hope Cuban buys the team...I've always had that underlying need for a Steinbrenner. Another great thing this weekend and its pretty much every weekend, Cap Lounge...need I say more? The place isn't particularly clean...or at isn't particularly safe or at all...but y'know what I still have a good time every time...yes I've heard about rats...yes I've remember that its burned down a couple times in the past few years...go on...Anyway, last bit, I went to the movies on my own to see Michael Clayton. I love the movies. I bought some popcorn, a pop, and some candy and I was in heaven. The movie was fantastic by the way. Go see it. The sound, the size of the screen, and even some audience noise makes the experience great. There was a point when a couple people were startled and I just laughed to myself. Onto the list.

1. Where are their lapel pins? Seriously, the Republicans need better issues or maybe because they've left in ruin anything they once stood for? Either way here is a very conservative blogger who is pissed off.

"For starters, people got tired of being associated with these drooling retards. Then, when they realized that these drooling retards had ideological allies running the show in the Bush administration and then began to experience their idiotic policies, they moved from disgusted to outright hostile.

Like me. It had nothing to do with Burke, and everything to do with what the party had become. A bunch of bedwetting, loudmouth, corrupt, hypocritical, and incompetent boobs with a mean streak a mile long and no sense of fair play or proportion.

Seriously- what does the current Republican party stand for? Permanent war, fear, the nanny state, big spending, torture, execution on demand, complete paranoia regarding the media, control over your body, denial of evolution and outright rejection of science, AND ZOMG THEY ARE GONNA MAKE US WEAR BURKHAS, all the while demanding that in order to be a good American I have to spend most of every damned day condemning half my fellow Americans as terrorist appeasers.

And that isn't even getting into the COMPLETE and TOTAL corruption of our political processes at every level.
The shit is really going to hit the fan after we vote these jackasses out of power in 2008.

Screw them. I got out. They can have their party. I will vote for Democrats and little L libertarians and isolationists until the crazy people aren't running the GOP. The threat of higher taxes in the short term isn't enough to keep me from voting out crazy people and voting for sane people with whom I merely disagree regarding policy. Hillarycare doesn't scare me as much as Frank Gaffney having a line to the person with the nuclear football or Dobson and company crafting domestic policy.

That is why the Republican party is in shambles. The majority of us have decided that the movers and shakers in the GOP and the blogospheric right are certified lunatics who, in a decent and sane society, we would have in controlled environments in rocking chairs under shade trees for most of the day, wheeled in at night for tapioca pudding and some karaoke." A reminder that this guy and I never agree except for this instance.

2. "I made my arguments and went down in flames. History will prove me right," - Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush after voting against realignment and a new wild-card system during a Major League Baseball owners meeting in September 1993. Bush was the lone dissenter in a 27-1 vote. This is when "History will prove me right" started. I hate this argument. I stand by that now I'm going to punch someone in the face and say history will prove me right. Seriously, history will judge him...

3. Its a weird day when I agree with two conservatives that easily. George Will this weekend. "Social conservatives should grow up. If they want to rally around somebody, why don't try that? Huckabee needs support and money now. If the social conservatives are half as important as they think they are, they would rally around one of these people [..] And then decide what you care about. If you care about judges, then you're gonna get satisfied by Giuliani, then get in line and play politics. But there's a vanity in this group right now. They call themselves "values voters." I've news for them: 100% of the American electorate are values voters; they vote their values…And this, this, kind of semantic imperialism that they have where they say "we vote values". Everyone else votes what?"

4. Best political commentary came from an unlikely source. It should be a likely source but hasn't done such a good job in years.

5. Britney Spears has this delusion that she is the same as Princess stop mental asylum...Princess Diana for what its worth was an excellent mother. Britney is an awful one. Princess Diana didn't ask for paparazzi. Britney calls for them and begs to be on covers. For as much as I didn't care for Princess Diana for a number of reasons, Britney Spears is no Princess Diana...I've yet to see a shred of dignity from Britney Spears and if she had even an ounce of Diana's, it would would be more than she could handle.

6. Worst Lyricist rankings are out. Sting is at number 1. They say his faux spirituality that rips off St. Augustine just pisses people off and that he is so pompous in writing he could kill someone. Number 2 is Neal Peart of Rush....I hate the band Rush and this just proves a point. 3. Scott Stapp of Creed..nuff said. 4. Noel Gallagher of are my wonder wizzall. Number 1 is actually Rob Olker for co opting every song that has the word me into and changing it to steve....creepy I know...he's ruined several songs.

7. LiLo is loose...yeah she's out of rehab...she'll stick to vodka because its clear and that means healthy...that's what Keith Richards says anyway...oh I don't take myself seriously anymore...Amy Winehouse

8. Nick Naylor is coming to TV! Thank You for Smoking which is a brilliant book and movie, is coming to TV and leaving off where the movie did.

Lauren found this on daily puppy. She is Zephyr.

10. Michael Clayton isn't what you think it is. This isn't Erin Brokovich. Its far more darker. Michael Clayton, played by George Clooney, is an immensely layered character. He isn't a miracle worker. He's a janitor. He fixes things. Tom Wilkinson and Sidney Pollack do a wonderful job on screen with him. The movie is more about how people make bad decisions and why they make them and what happens in consequence. It most likely is the best picture I've seen this year so far though 3:10 to Yuma is close. My favorite line in the movie besides the janitor comparison is the "I'm not the guy you kill, I'm the guy you buy."