Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Old Is New Again

It should come as no great surprise to anyone that Hollywood is running out of ideas. Sequels and remakes abound in today's theaters. This is happening because Hollywood is risk averse and also because they are hoping to tap into a deep corner or our minds that remembers the good old days. Essentially, Hollywood is trying to sell my childhood back to me at today's prices.

I say good for them.

Of course, not all retreads work. Take for instance, the Heartbreak Kid. Chris has recently blogged that the executive producer or the director or some dumbass is blaming the failure of the movie on Halo 3. Thats a bunch of bullshit. Lets start with the fact that the ads for the movie made it look terrible. Additionally, Ben Stiller isn't funny. He never has been. He was only genuinely funny in one movie, and that was There's Something About Mary. Speaking of which, watch that movie again. Its really not that funny any more. Third, the movie was made by the Farrelley brothers. Again, they aren't funny. Again, the last movie they made that was funny was There's Something About Mary. Me, Myself, and Irene had its moments but I wouldn't put it on that same level. And seriously, who ever watches their movies more than once? They make bad movies whose humor is based more on shock than anything else. It gets old and tiresome. So, to the shit-wizards of Heartbreak Kid I would like to inform you that I did not skip your movie because I was plowing through Halo 3. I actually beat Halo 3 before your movie came out. I skipped your movie because it looked terrible, the Farrelley brothers aren't funny, and I despise Ben Stiller's existance. But I digress...

Yesterday, I picked up the Transformers DVD and watched it that night. When Optimus Prime says "My name... is Optimus Prime" I had a reaction that combined the ideas of "Hell yeah it is!" and "Glee!!!" My Saturday movie cartoons are back but with $200 million budgets. When I bought the DVD I stood in Best Buy for about 10 minutes holding up the movie and the movie that came with a toy in either hand trying to decide what to do. I chose just the movie and now I view this as a poor decision. It is my full intention to return to Best Buy and buy the bigger more expensive toy and then put it in cubicle. I want to somehow use the toy to signify my availability. Also, when I get bored I get to just sit there and play with a Transformer. Tell me this isn't an awesome idea. Just try it.

See, I feel that we are forced to give up those things that gave us joy when we were younger. Things that were invasive marketing campaigns only designed to sell more toys and retreads of those same toys were somehow pure in that I wanted them and they were fun. I didn't need anything more. I didn't worry about lead content due to poor Chinese regulations. I didn't worry about slave labor being used to produce my toy. I didn't worry about Wal-Mart carrying the toy and thus driving down prices and forcing small business owners out. These weren't my concern. The only thing that mattered was that Optimus Prime came with a trailer hitch and that he kicked ass.

Now? All I want is to go out and buy a big shiney toy and put it in robot mode to say "I'm busy" or vehicle mode to say "You can talk to me." Will my office mates understand? Of course not. But who cares? The joy derived from Transformers is pure. So fuck them.

Hollywood also previously made a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated movie that had a fairly incomprehensible plot but I didn't care because the Turtles were kicking ass. Two of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons made it to the big screen and in a good way. So to my corporate masters out in Hollywood, I just have one request. Complete the Triumvarate. If you make me a GI Joe movie, I will see it. I will pay good money to see it. So now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.
*Cue themesong and American Flag*


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