So as Chris has already mentioned, JK Rowling has butted into our news cycle yet again. Honestly, I get the feeling the only reason she did this is because nobody mentioned wizards for a couple of months now that her last book is out. Oh look at me! I'm a best-selling children's author! I suddenly have an opinion on everything but nobody's paying attention! I'm wondering what happens in another 4 months when, once again, nobody is talking about her books or her. Do Hermione and Ron get divorced? Maybe Harry can get cancer! Go away Rowling. You had your moment, now shut up and go away.
On to football.
Tampa Bay at Detroit/New England at Miami/Random games
Seriously, watching ASF watch football is hilarious. For those of you who haven't seen it, please do. You will not be disappointed. He actually stormed up next to another couple's table yelling at the TV very loudly and passionately and flailing his arms. I thought he was going to accidentally punch the guy in front of him. I felt bad for them and I think ASF realized that he was intruding on some personal space because he quickly apologized and sat back down. They looked terrified.
I have started drinking...
Meanwhile, I'm dividing my attention between the Giants game and the Patriots game. As much as I hate the Patriots, I have to admit they are probably the greatest football team I have ever witnessed. Its incredible. Its not even fair what they are doing to other people. Hell, on one fantasy team I have Laurence Maroney, Wes Welker, Ben Watson, and Kyle Brady. If its possible, just load up on Patriots and go to town. I don't even remember who the Giants are playing but I do know that they are dealing with it handily. Good lord though, Tom Brady is ripping the Dolphins a new blowhole. As some of you may remember, I once mentioned that Tom Brady could perform vile and illegal acts on a nun while drunk and still get away with it because he is so beloved in New England. I'm now upgrading that to a bus full of nuns. With perhaps an orphan or two thrown in. No wait, a bus full of orphans being chaperoned by Nuns. There is no stopping Tom Brady. He runs on the souls of orphans now. Look out Peyton, Tom's going to devour your spleen if you aren't careful.
I'm filling up another drink while ASF continues to yell at his team and the Buccs. The rocking has started. As he's rocking, and I'm filling up my drink, Anthony and I start rocking back and forth as well. The entire table sees us and starts to laugh but ASF doesn't realize whats going on until someone warns him. He turns around and declares he has no friends and "fuck my friends." Good times had by all.
I'm super nervous about the Bears-Eagles game. I will admit, that I had way way WAY too much to drink and I'm going to blame the Bears-Eagles game. Three beer towers will do that to you.
Finally, the Lions are victorious, the snuff film that is Patriots-Dolphins ends, and a bunch of other teams win.
BEARS - EAGLES
As you all may have noticed, Chris is still alive. Thats because Devin Hester had 0 Return yards. Good job Andy Reid. I don't have to drive up to Philly to kill you. Of course, thats about the only thing the Eagles did right on this day. If I thought the Eagles - Jets game was boring, well hoo-wee was this a barn burner. Field goals galore! Good lord this game is boring, can you really blame me for getting smashed? Its not like I had much else to do. The Eagles offense sucked ass and then the Bears offense sucked ass. Yawn. Finally in the last 5 minutes, the game got interesting with an Eagles touchdown. Bears have to go 97 yards in under 2 minutes. Game's in the bag. So then why the feeling of dread? Well it was well deserved because the Bears rolled right down the field, touchdown, Bears win, Eagles season died. Just like that. I'm still going to keep watching, because in the NFC, you never know who's going to make the playoffs but at this point I've lost hope. Also, at this point, I'm hoping the Redskins do well in the NFC East. I would much rather see them be successful than the Giants or the Goddamned Cowboys. I mean, if I have to choose, I'm choosing the Redskins. I won't be getting that drunk again though, I can tell you that. I have nothing to be nervous about.
I'm just here for the wings.
This week's Fantasy Team name is TwoDogs in a Bathtub. The technique is performed by forcing both your testicles into the lady's asshole, the idea being that it is just as difficult to get both balls in there as it is to keep two live dogs in a bathtub. Honestly, I have no idea who comes up with this crap, but just remember. People react to things they've done or seen. They just don't make stuff up. Now try to sleep at night.