Monday, October 1, 2007

Week 4 NFL Roundup

This week, the group decided to try a new bar. Buffalo Billiards (BB) is nice and all but the service is terrible, its hard to have a conversation, and you can only ever really watch one game at a time. So after a third, lackluster trip to BB we decided to try something new. So it was off to Old Dominion Brewing Co. (ODB) in Mt. Vernon! After just one afternoon, I can safely say that it is a vastly superior venue to BB. The service was better, which really isn't saying much but still. Honestly, when Chris has to hunt down and almost get into a fight with a butch dyke to get his check, how can you go anywhere but up? To be fair though, she was smoking. Instead of waiting tables. Can't fault that logic. Second, there are tv's everywhere in ODB and unlike BB, the lines of sight are fairly open. So everywhere you look there's a tv. Third, there's a fuck load more seating and all of it is tv viewable. Fourth, its much much easier to have a conversation. The place doesn't have much ambient noise so you don't really have to yell in order to be heard. Fifth, beer tower. Nothing more. Just beer tower. And finally, but most importantly, the wings are better. I even got my ranch dressing the first time I asked for it! I mean, the service wasn't great at ODB by any means, but at least they get your order right. That's all I ask for folks, just get my order right the first fucking time. It isn't hard. I'm not demanding. I even repeat myself several times and ask for confirmation. Never worked at BB.

While we were watching our games we decided that BB has kinda sucked for a while and that the only reason we kept going there was in the vain hope that Claire would be back. See, back in '05 we started going to sports bars for football every week. And the first week we went, there was a really cute waitress wearing very short shorts or a short skirt (I don't really remember) who took great care of us. We would sit in her section every week just so she could be our waitress regardless of what game on. Browns - Bills? Hooray! Claire Bear! But then she was gone and its just never been the same since. So I think BB has been kicked to the curb.

Thats right, I watched 4 games at the same time because it was just that easy. It was wonderful. But the game we were most interested in was D'Jimbo and Chris' game of the Lions vs. the Bears. Now, if the Eagles - Lions game was hilarious for how much the Lions defense sucked monkey nuts, this game was hysterical for how many miscues both teams had and the hilarious antics of D'Jimbo. At one point we decided that D'Jimbo is the Autistic Sports Fan (ASF) because of the muttering, and the rocking back and forth while chewing on his thumbs. We told him he was the ASF and he goes "Why? Oh because of the rocking." How hilarious is it that we didn't even need it explained? It was just understood. After I got my wings and the Bears were winning, ASF rips his jersey off and goes "I give up on the Lions!" In the second quarter mind you. 7-3 Bears. ASF's girlfriend is displeased with this and demands that she get her money for the jersey so I stop scarfing wings (rare, but it does happen) and put his jersey on and scream "Go Lions!"

Now, this isn't a yelling bar. Not too much boisterous cheering to be had, which honestly could be a positive or a negative. I'm not sure. After a while though, I take the jersey off and hand it to ASF's girlfriend and she wears it. I would like to take this time to reiterate my earlier point that girls who wear football jerseys are instantly hotter. Eventually, the Bears start to do exactly what they did when Wrecks was playing: suck. At the same time though, I'm not willing to kill them for losing like they did because they are ravaged by injuries. So while they are losing, and losing badly, it isn't necessarily their fault. Meanwhile, the Jets and Bills are looking like a toilet bowl of a game and Derek Anderson is beating the Ravens. What? How in the hell is that happening? Jamal Lewis isn't even doing good against the Ravens and their winning handily. Its like, cover Braylon Edwards, stop Jamal Lewis and BAM! you win.

Its also about this point that Anthony and I start to narrate ASF's reactions to the Lions game by talking like in one of those National Geographic videos. "Notice how the D'Jimbo reacts to positive events. Although there is great hope in his heart, it is also weighed down by past failures... fascinating. Look at the D'Jimbo in his natural habitat as he performs both his dance of victory, his mating dance, and his dance of trepidation. Its fascinating that the local D'Jimbo only has one dance... and a bad one at that." ASF is displeased with this. But the Lions, Browns, Packers, and Bills all win their games and ASF is happy. Its at this point that we realize there is another potential problem with ODB; no Krispy Kreme! Which means no victory donuts! I'm going to miss victory donuts but I'm sure beer towers will more than make up for it.

I watched this game at home with a friend who's a Giants fan. And I have to say, I was disgusted. I kind of developed a bad feeling when on the very first play, Antonio Pierce blitzed right up the middle and nearly got to McNabb. I feel like if the first blitz of the game nearly kills your quarterback, you're going to be in for a long day. And long it was. 12 sacks, and 14 penalties later, I was dejected and numb. I finally decided that the offensive line was trying to give up as many sacks as the team was committing penalties. And by-gum they almost did it! Al Michaels said something very interesting during the 3rd quarter though. That when the Giants D-Coordinator found out that Westbrook was going to be out he felt he had a whole lot more free defensive players because he didn't need to use his gameplan that he had in place for Westbrook. Which only strengthens my contention that the most important player on the Eagles offense is not Donovan McNabb, but rather Brian Westbrook. I've also started to notice that while McNabb needs to find a rhythm Andy Reid also needs to find one. And I've also noticed that when his gameplan isn't working, he doesn't change it mid-game. At all. The game against the Redskins featured almost 40 passing plays. The game against the Green Bay Packers was similar. And in the Giants game, he refused to put some help in for Winston Justice against Osi Umenyiora who just went and raped McNabb. I don't know why he doesn't seem to make adjustments when he's losing. People keep banging the drum that McNabb's days are numbered in Philadelphia, but the more I watch this season, the more I'm beginning to believe that its Reid's days that are numbered. The team seems to lack focus, and discipline and doesn't seem to be prepared for anything. Reid's too busy driving his kids to AA and rehab.

Oh, and by the way, Brian, I saw your comment and let me respond. Yes, I did get my piece of humble pie. No, I did not like it. Yes, it was very bitter. Its going to be a long season, and it looks like its going to be a bad season, but I'm going to keep watching anyways.

Who knows, maybe I'll get some Chunky Soup in the end.


This past week's fantasy team name was the Alaskan Pipeline. To perform this act, one must shit into a condom, freeze the condom overnight, and then use the condom to sodomize someone with your big ol' shit dildo. Which kind of got me thinking. Don't you think you'd have to use a Magnum at the very least? Just a thought.

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