Tuesday, April 8, 2008

By bullets or by drugs?

Okay, so its been a while since I've been on here. I haven't really had much to say and I generally like to write with a point. That being said, I come to you with a new contest! This one however will not be in the form of a poll, but rather in the comments section. We here at Mr. Brooks Knocked Up Nancy Drew are starting a Celebrity Death Pool!

The rules are simple. We have three categories of people. Music celebs, TV and movie celebs, and professional sports celebs. Through the dedicated work of our crack team of Fun-gineers (ie. Chris) we have come up with 5 names in each category. You pick a name from each category, and that is your first person to die in that category. Then, you pick one person from among your category winners. That person is your choice to be the first of the fifteen to die. Now, some of you may have others on your mind that you think are going to kick it first, and thats okay. You may pick someone not on the list, but they have to die from self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could not have picked Charleton Heston because he was old. You also can't pick someone with cancer or anything like that. They have to die because they are a total fuck-up. Additionally, your person must fit into one of the three categories. I'm banning Paris Hilton because she doesn't have a career, she just pretends she does. I haven't decided what you'll win yet, but I am totally willing to put money on this. Make your selections in the comment section. Now, on to your lovely contestants!

Music:
Pete Doherty: I think one of my department's interns put it best. Every picture you see of Pete Doherty is at some weird time and he's on coke or crack or smack or some other concoction that really doesn't belong in your body. Its only a matter of time before he OD's or gets involved in a drug dispute.

Blake Fielder-Civil: Ah yes, the husband of Amy Winehouse, who is currently in jail. You would think that being in jail would make him less likely to be on this list, but you would be wrong! If I remember correctly, he was put on suicide watch because he tried to hang himself, and he's still getting tons of drugs. Does he make it through his prison term?

Amy Winehouse: Because the couple that fucks up its life together, is the couple that dies together. Seriously, how many pictures of this chick have you seen where she looks like she's on crazy pills? About a billion? Lets go with about a billion. Hell, they wouldn't even let her in the United States to attend the Grammy's because she's so drugged out of her mind. And we love drugs here in the US! How is that possible? I'm personally saying within 6 months.

Britney Spears: Now, I know it seems like she's gotten her life together, but how long can she keep that going? How long before she has a relapse? How long before she accidentally eats one of her own children? This little tale will either end in a police stand-off or a murder-suicide pact. Either way, its going to be all over the news.

Keith Richards: The man has defied the odds for who knows how many decades but how long can he keep doing it? I mean, for God's sake, he looks like Skelator! Even he knows he's living on borrowed time. So when do the decades of drug use finally catch up with our wily veteran?

I'll admit, I was half tempted to put Tupac on this list. We all know he's not really dead. He's just hiding and biding his time.

TV/Film:
Lindsay Lohan: Firecrotch is burning through men at about the same speed she's burning through bottles of Everclear and DUI's. I'm guessing that the way she goes is she drunkenly takes a header off of someone's beach house into a as-yet-unfillled pool. That way we get one last bikini spread of the former Mean Girl.

Robert Downey Jr.: Once again, we got someone who has, by all appearances, turned his life around. But once he's between projects, or just a little bored, how long before he starts hitting the sauce or other, more illicit, substances and slams his car into a building. Personally, I'm rooting against this one because I want there to be an Ironman 2. Nobody ever said that my reasons had to be altruistic or value human life or blah blah blah.

Mischa Barton: She had one good role ever and then got herself kicked off the show because she was a bitch and a problem to deal with. I'm guessing that she gets strangled by someone who's defense will be "the bitch deserved it." At which point the judge will shrug his shoulders, agree, and everyone goes home. And another forgettable TV starlet fades away.

Owen Wilson: He's severely depressed and tried to kill himself. Plus, have you seen his nose? That right there is something to be depressed about. Also, he keeps having roles in Wes Anderson films and that has just got to fuck with your mind.

Heather Locklear: Yeah, I'll bet you didn't see this one coming, did you? Apparently, last year, she attempted to commit suicide and her therapist had to call the police last year to stop her. It never really got any play in the media because they covered it up. Its hard to age gracefully for some people. But if I were a betting man (and I am), I would say that a stalker from her Melrose Place days finally gets close enough.

Pro Sports:
This is actually my favorite category. In the previous two categories its been a question of who is going to kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. In this category its a question of who forces the police to kill them with bullets. Hey, every good contest needs a splash of violence, right?

Adam "Pacman" Jones: This guy is one of your world-class fuck-ups. He was banned from the NFL for a year because he committed so many crimes. And lets not forget that he decided to "make it rain" in a strip club, which then resulted in a gun battle taking place. He's a ticking timebomb that is likely to get killed outside a strip club at 3am.

Chris Henry: This particular gem has been arrested 5 times since he entered the NFL in 2005. Almost all of those arrests have been for violent crimes such as assault and drawing a gun on a college student. He was just recently arrested again for assault and during his bail hearing the judge called him a "one man crime wave." As a result, the Cincinatti Bengals cut him from the team. Violent tendencies plus nothing to do? I smell chalk outlines.

Jose Conceco: How about Jose? He's the single most hated man in all of baseball right now. Not only that, but there are rumors that he's made some rather bad business deals with gentleman who may or may not hail from Sicily. I'm just saying. The rules for Conseco might have to be a bit different. If he randomly disappears and stays disappeared for about 3-5 months, I'm willing to say he's been fitted for a pair of cement shoes and dropped off a pier.

Allen Iverson: Not only is he a gangsta' rapper, but he's also got a somewhat violent past from his time in Philadelphia. He's another poster boy for his past catching up to him. While he has kept his nose clean recently, it is hard to give up a lifetime of bad associations and bad decisions. Plus he's being sued for a 2005 brawl. Brawls never go away.

Ron Artest: Malice in the Palace! Ron Artest is probably the craziest motherfucker in the NBA. He's probably going to get shanked sooner rather than later. He's unpredictable, he's tempermental, and he probably doesn't back down. I predict death by stabbing, actually.

So there you have it folks. Those are our 15 contestants. Make your choices known in the comments section and watch your newspaper.

9 comments:

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Lily said...

My picks:
Music: Keith Richards:
TV/Film: Lindsay Lohan
Pro Sports: Ron Artest
Based on a risk decay logorythmic model, I pick an overall winner of Ron Artest just b/c he's a mean SOB.

Edmund Dantes said...

1. Pete Doherty (He is the top candidate to not make it out this year) He legitimately can't find any more holes in him to poke a needle into.Blake Fielder-Civil would be a good choice if not for Pete Doherty.

2. Lindsay Lohan-overdose or DUI car accident

3. Pacman Jones- probably in a ridiculously stupid way too

Edmund Dantes said...

oh and Pete Doherty is obviously the big winner for me

Danielle said...

I must say, I'm proud to have inspired the contest that has provoked such deep thought.

I stick with my inspiration... Amy
Winehouse for the win.

Edmund Dantes said...

Here's the deal with Amy Winehouse, for her to die, Blake Fielder-Civil goes first and then she does herself in. Now we could get a joint overdose which I believe needs a photo finish type way of determining that.

Danielle said...

Edmund,

I'm willing to admit that Amy Winehouse was a bit of a cop out for my lack of significant knowledge of sports personalities and their downfalls, and my lack of care about other pop-culture figures. Winehouse just seemed like an easy default.

Robert said...

Music- Keith Richards. I think he's already dead and the Stones are just propping him up like weekend at bernie's for more farewell concerts.
TV-Heather Locklear
Sports-I don't like the choices. I'm going with Gheorghe Muresan of a pituitary disorder.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gheorghe_Mure%C5%9Fan

Robert said...

I wasn't paying attention to the cause of death requirement. I am going with William Perry dying by some result of his weight/love of eating.