When I look at the country I see an epidemic sweeping the nation and it saddens me. This disease is insidious and its infectious. The worst part is, nobody's doing anything to stop it. In fact, most people are actually trying to encourage it. Such behavior sickens me and I attempt to fight it where ever I can. There is a cure though. At least I have a theory for the cure. I speak of course, of that terrible disease, vegetarianism. Oh sure, everyone will try to convince you that its 'healthier' or that its more 'moral.' I say bullshit on both accounts!
In terms of healthier, that may be true. But at what cost? I would argue to you that even if it is healthier you are giving up too much. And vegetarians know it too. Why else do they make tofu products that are supposed to taste like meat products? I know some of you vegetarians out there are already fomenting counter-arguments. Don't even try. I know whats up. I know the score. I know that within each of you, there lies a subtle yet inescapable yearning for the flesh of the fallen. And I know how to bring that yearning out and to fan its flames and bring you back into the light of canniba... carniverous-ness (good save Scott).
See, in talking with several people who were one-time vegetarians I have discovered a single thread that finally provided the needed epiphany. Bacon. Feel your mouth watering a little bit out there? Thats right. Every time I talk to a vegetarian the one meat they miss the most is bacon. And why not? Its salty, delicious, and can be cooked to personal taste. Not only that but its fatty and just melts in your mouth. You know you want some. How many soy products have you gone through that try to simulate the taste of bacon?
The argument against marijuana for all these years has been that it is a "gateway" drug. That by doing weed, you'll be pushed down a path to try harder drugs. Its a total crap argument, but it does provide me with my cure to vegetarianism. Bacon is a "gateway" meat. People crave it, and once they try bacon then the argument against things like chicken, turkey, or a porterhouse because less salient. After all you've already had pretty much the least healthy meat out there. Whats the harm in trying a steak?
The group that is most to blame for the moral argument against meat is probably PETA. And how I hate them. They claim that the animals are treated cruely and all that malarkey. But lets think about it for a second. If you buy free-range meat (of which there's quite a bit) then they aren't treated cruely at all. Instead they are fed and cared for their whole lives. And just when they're at their prime, when things can't get any better, they are slaughtered so they never have to know a decline in happiness. Sure, they don't see it coming until that impact hammer is placed over their skulls, but really, we've bred all intelligence out of them so its not like they'll even know it. So whats wrong with that? Plus, these are the same idiots who do things like change their name to "KentuckyFriedCruelty.com." Seriously. Do you want to be associated with those loony sons of bitches?
I'm usually not a huge fan of fast food, but I would suggest (with all apologies to Chris) that you buy every vegetarian you know the Baconator from Wendy's. Its got 6 strips of bacon! Sure, thats a heart attack waiting to happen, but I say that you hit them with as much bacon as you can. Really break down that wall. Once that wall is broken, then you can start treating them to things like chicken wings, turkey gumbo, ribs, brisket and all sorts of other fantastic options.
So help me my loyal readers. Together we can end vegetarianism in our lifetime. It won't be easy and it will require perserverance.
But it will be delicious.