Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Where's my damn rainbow?

I don't know about you folks out there in the interwebs, but my office has a vending machine. Real old school one. Its got chips, pretzels, cookies, Snickers, M&M's and the like. But its missing a candy I happen to enjoy quite a bit. Skittles.

I love Skittles. They're tasty. They're sugary. And they provide a great alternative to chocolate. Plus they are bite size, and they aren't messy. We have all the other megaliths of vending snack food, but we don't have Skittles. This angers me more than a little bit. If I want to taste the rainbow, I have to go down to the fucking conveniance store, 12 stories down, to get them. We're talking like a 20 minute escapade for Skittles here, folks. I've done it too. Many times. I consider it a perfectly valid reason to abandon my cubicle.

Now, if the rest of the stock in my vending machine were awesome, I might not mind so much the absense of Skittles. But the stock is not awesome. You've got Snickers. That's a staple of any good vending machine. But you also have 3 Muskateers Mint. Why the Mint one? Plus, you've already got a quality candy bar. Instead of my Skittles, you've got a novelty candy bar that nobody eats.

There's also a spot devoted to Snackwell cookies. What the fuck? Everybody knows those things are just fake diet food and thus serve little purpose. Especially since you have several other cookie options (Milano cookies for one) and you also have several other healthy options (Granola bars). I suspect they are there so people who are dieting or "dieting" can feel good about themselves for eating the "healthy" cookies. This may become a future post, but I hate people who try to make new foods so they can still feel good about their vices while pretending to be good or noble. Anywho, instead of fake diet food, why not just admit the purpose of the vending machine and give me my Skittles?

Here's a good one: TGI Friday's Cheddar Potato Skins. What the fuck is that? Seriously? Why the fuck is something that nobody else in America has probably even heard of in my vending machine? How is this even still marketed or made? I want answers to those questions because I'm fairly certain thats bullshit. Additionally, we've already got Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips. Why do we need both? We've also got Cheez-its (perhaps the most addicting snack food in teh history of mankind). We have 3 cheese-like options but no Skittles. I love cheese, don't get me wrong, but thats fucking stupid. You're telling me that a brand off-shoot of a shitty restaurant is a better option than Skittles? I will stab you, then shoot you, then nurse you back to health so I can hit you with a Mack truck. Thats how much I hate you Mr. Vending-Machine-Item-Picker-Guy.

How about another example? They have Dark Raisenettes. Once again, my vending machine offers a brand off-shoot but not the original. We have room for raisens covered in dark chocolate but not for sugar covered in more sugar? Half my vending machine is filled with things that are the color of poo but nothing that is colored like a rainbow and has had a commercial that strongly implied the death of a naysayer. That a bunch of bullshit. I'm sure some of you out there have similar angry stories about your vending machines and I'd love to hear them. Post them up in the comments section.

Until then... Believe the Rainbow.



Robert said...

I would vote for Twizzlers to be the most addictive food. I eat them until I feel like I'm going to vomit, and I don't even like them.

Nicole said...

I too really hate this horrendous machine. I am allergic to peanuts. Today, I counted 9 peanut product items in the piece of shit machine. Does one really need that many peanut options in a vending machine? I don't think so! My name is Nicole and I am a vending machine hater. Am I really asking for a lot here? No. I just want some more non-peanut options and some Skittles (for Scott).

-Brian said...

Please Scott I know Skittles are your favorite but please promise me you will never emulate these guys