One of my loves in life is food. These people who don't eat? They confuse me. How can you not want to eat? Food is good. Food is great. But if you watch TV here in DC you sometimes see commercials for restaurants or food that is actually no where near DC. Moreover, these commercials tend to be for food that looks freakin' delicious. Why do they do this to me? Does CiCi's really expect to me to get into a car and then go off on a sojourn to find the bastards? Do I want to eat at a restaurant that does unlimited pizza buffets? You bet your ass I do! Can I though? Of course not.
There are a couple of things that bother me about this habit of advertising food that I can't have. As I've already said, I can't have the food. It looks delicious but I can't have it because it might as well be in Pakistan. Right now, Osama Bin Laden could be having CiCi's and I'm not.
Second, why in the hell are you advertising here if you aren't anywhere near here? Look at Sonic. Do you know where the nearest Sonic is? Do you? Fredericksburg. Over 50 miles away. Now I'm no marketing mogul but even I think that it could very well be a huge waste of money to advertise in a place that is 50 miles distant from your nearest service area. What the fuck are you thinking? Does Sonic have so much money that they decide to taunt the residents of another city with their commercials?
Because, thats what it is dear readers. They are taunting us. They are showing us their bounty and then snatching it away. But why would they do that? I mean, Sonic looks like they have some delicious stuff going on. Especially those slurpees or whatever the hell they are. Don't they look tasty? Don't you want one? Sorry, asshole, you can't have one.
How about another example? Checkers. Checkers looks like they have tasty food but I have never seen one except in Florida. I have been told by others that there is a Checkers nearby but I highly doubt it. So not only can I not find their food, but I also have to endure that fucking ad that has 'rap cat.' What the fuck is that even supposed to be?
And now, I've started seeing commercials for Jack-in-the-Box. Goddammit, that food looks good! I would gladly pay for it. But look at their locations map. The nearest one is North Carolina. North fucking Carolina! Why the fuck are they advertising two fucking states away! Why do they torment me!
I've had enough. I say we rise up. I say we convoy to Fredericksburg, burn the damn place to the ground, and make an example of the sons of bitches! They've brought it on themselves!
But lets also make sure to get some fries to go.