Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tom Terrific

I feel like every decade or every 'era' has a sports star who can do no wrong. He gets away with everything and anything because he's so wildly popular that people are willing to overlook his various indiscretions. This has even become a joke for pop culture. Remember when Seinfeld had an episode with Keith Hernandez? He even has a line in the episode when he's going after Elaine that was something to the effect of "I can do this. I'm Keith Hernandez!" I mean, the guy admitted to doing cocaine and yet everybody was fine with this. Bill Simmons, a sports writer for ESPN even refers to the "Keith Hernandez Moment." Its a moment where a celebrity is so popular that they can do anything. Certain people in and out of sports have reached Keith Hernandez status.

For instance, Michael Jordan reached Keith Hernandez status. Michael Jordan even got his own fashion line called Jump Man 23 or some damn thing (note: I do not fact check for the most part. I believe in truthiness over truth). He even got a line attached to him "I wanna be like Mike." And who wouldn't? The man was the best player of his generation and perhaps of all of basketball. He could get away with anything. He was notorious for being a gambler but the press never wrote about it and the league never did anything about it. Why? Because he was more or less awesome incarnate.

And that brings us to a modern player whose shadow over the sport is so long that many think when he retires he will be considered the best player to ever play the game. I speak of none other than Tom Brady. Brady has won 3 Superbowls and was named MVP of 2 of them. This is after he was drafted in the 6th round by a franchise that prior to his arrival sucked balls. He only got to play because the guy in front of him got hurt. You know what usually happens when your starter gets hurt and you're forced to use the scrub on your bench? Your team nosedives. Not the Patriots. No, they became a dynasty. I mean, Tom Brady could (and maybe has for all I know) drive drunk down a street, hit a nun, fuck her corpse, and then wear her head as a funny hat on a 3 state road trip and the cop who eventually pulls him over would just ask for his autograph, let him go and then think to himself "what a nice guy that Tom Brady is."

But Tom Terrific's awesomeness doesn't stop on the field, oh no siree. He was recently named sexiest man alive and best dressed man. Two awards for being handsome! What else you ask? He banged the shit out a hot actress, knocked her up, then dumped her. What did he do after he dumped her? He went out and bagged THEE Victoria's Secret model, Gisselle Bundchen. What was the reaction of the world at large? "Good for you Tom. Way to go." What does he do in his off-time? He gets to play golf with ex-presidents. And then his response coming out of it is "gee willikers but that was fun." What the fuck? The media just responds with basically a big "Awwww..." Tom Brady is even known for being a genuinely selfless individual a true team first player. In a world where Michael Vick and Terrell Owens still have fans (which boggles my mind), Tom Brady is the perfect role model for this country and for all of humanity.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I want to be Tom Brady. The luck and the life that this man leads is a life that all but the most privileged would be blessed to have. I'm not going to go so far as to say that he fell ass-backwards into an amazing life, but thats getting pretty close. I know women who have said "yeah, he got a chick pregnant and he sleeps around, but I would totally have Tom Brady's love child."

The thought has seriously entered my mind that I want to hunt down Tom Brady, and kill him. Then I want to cut his heart from his still-warm chest and eat it because by doing so I will get all his awesomeness. And when the cop comes to investigate? Why he'll ask me for my autograph and think to himself:

What a great guy.


1 comment:

Nicole said...

First, you have way too much time on your hands.

Second, I do not want to have Tom Brady's love child.

Third, enough said.