Monday, September 17, 2007

Week 2 Football Roundup

So in what may become a regular feature I have decided to do a weekly roundup of my thoughts, impressions, and experiances related to the games that I watched on TV over the weekend. Tangents may be involved. Also, this week was the inaugeral sports weekend for my new, amazing, 50" HDTV, which was delivered on Saturday. Happiness was in abundance.

Green Bay at New York:

Now, my Eagles lost in fairly humiliating fashion against Brett Favre and the Packers the previous week and I usually hold grudges for things like defeating the Eagles in a game. But in this game? Go Packers! My roommate (D'Jimbo) was rooting for the Giants because he is a semi-Giants fan and also has Plaxico Burress on his fantasy team. Thats fine, but I still wanted the Packers to win because the Giants are baby-killers. Thats right, you heard it hear first folks. Eli Manning needs the souls of young orphans to keep his face from scrunching up into the Manning face. The game quickly grew boring though because both offenses didn't look very good and the Giants were winning at one point. It was here that D'Jimbo and I started switching between this game and the crap fest that was Steelers and Bills. But I largely ignored that game. My one reaction though was watching Jeremey Shockey catch a short pass for a huge first down with under 2 minutes in the half to go. Then he goes and spikes the ball. But as anyone who has watched ESPN in the preseason knows, spiking the ball on a non-scoring play is a big no-no and lo and behold, 5 yard penalty, field position is sacrificed. Next play? Shockey drops a huge pass that would have put the Giants on the 2 yard line. This reinforces my view that while Shockey is extremely talented (and I can admit that) he is more of a liability because he's a locker room cancer (kind of like testicular cancer) and he commits stupid penalties on the field. Next thing I know, the Packers steamroll the Giants and they start 0-2. Yay!

Following this game, its time to head to my favorite football watering hole with D'Jimbo for the 4 o'clock games. He wants to watch the Lions game and Chris the Bears games. So we settle in for the second half of...

Cincinatti at Cleveland:
What the fuck is going on in this game? The combined score is in the 70's and the Browns are winning? What the fuck? All of a the sudden a stat pops up that says Jamal Lewis is rushing for like 160 yards at this point. Assholes! Jamal Lewis is on my fantasy team and I didn't start him! This realization horrifies me. D'Jimbo and Chris are making fun of me for this. Rightfully so, but I still want to punch them in the kidneys. The two cute girls in front us (who are wearing football jerseys) overhear our conversation and one turns around and says "Why wouldn't you start Jamal Lewis? The Bengals have never been able to stop him! Ever! Even when he was in Baltimore we couldn't stop him!" Well how the hell was I supposed to know that his prison sculpted body would be back in form and that the woeful Browns would be putting up quite a fight. Its at this point that the same girl informs me that during the 60's or something, the Bengals and Browns had a similar huge point total game. That its the instate rivalry and all that crap.

Sidebar: This girl is talking about football, instate rivalries going back decades and wearing a Palmer jersey. Now, the girl was pretty cute, a real girl next door type. But when she starts doing this, well now she's just plain hot. She's talking football. See, for some reason, a girl in a jersey gets a bump, always. Its just a hot thing to see for some reason and I know I'm not the only guy who thinks this. Add in the fact that she's talking sports and appears to be passionate and I'm sitting there thinking "wow." I'm impressed.

Well fine. I fucked up playing Jamal Lewis and I am somewhat despondent now and require a plate of wings. Lord how I love wings. This is why I go to a bar. Not to hang out with friends or even watch football, but to order a big plate of tasty wings and go to town. It has been described as "predatory" and perpetrating a "chicken genocide." I'm okay with this. Finally, the Browns game ends and my embarrassment over Jamal Lewis becomes second fiddle to the games that are on. At this point I start watching...

Chicago at Kansas City/Dallas at Miami/Minnesota at Detroit:
Chris is watching his Bears and D'Jimbo is watching his Lions and I'm kinda floating between the three. Its hilarious because D'Jimbo is the only Lions fan in our section and he comes back to inform us that the section devoted to the Lions game is a decidedly moribund place. So while nothing is happening in the Bears game D'Jimbo is alternatively yelling at the team to "wrap him up!" and "yeah! woo!" 30 people in the section and only one guy is very boisterously cheering. Hilarious. Meanwhile, the Bears are who we thought they were but I'm not quite ready to crown their asses yet (God bless you Dennis Green...). The Bears are wrapping up Larry Johnson nicely and Rex is turning in Wrecks before my eyes. This isn't a surprise though. What is a surprise is how many KC fans there are. And what the fuck is up with the guy wearing the green Boston Red Sox hat and the KC shirt? Who the fuck are you? What geographical contrivance would lead to such rooting? It could be worse though I suppose. Dude could root for the Eagles and then the St. Louis Cardinals and not be from either city. Man, that would be weird and wouldn't make any sense. Meanwhile I keep jogging over to the Cowboys game because I hate them and want them to lose. It looks like the Dolphins are doing a pretty good job of keeping them in check and I am elated. Back at the Bears game, that dude with the Sox hat is being exceptionally annoying and yelling just random shit at the screen that doesn't really seem to have much bearing on anything. Larry Johnson for 3 yards. "All day boys! He's going to bring that all day!" Bring what? A subpar rushing attack anchored by a patchwork offensive line and led by the offensive 'guru' that is Herm Edwards? What are you cheering about? Ooh! A Rex Grossman interception! Chris' blood pressure is through the roof and its hilarious.

Meanwhile, I think the Lions game has entered the phase where each team has 4 turnovers. D'Jimbo is hulking out and yelling at the small tv perched on a pillar. Nobody really seems to know who this guy is or what the hell is going on. Hilarity continues. Its at this point that I notice that Miami's Time of Possession is about 4 minutes, and Dallas' is over 15 minutes. This spells trouble. The games continue along this vein until I jog over to the Dallas game again and notice that Dallas is now CRUSHING Miami. Well, so much for the Cowboys being held in check and this providing game tape on how to deal with them. The Miami defense looks totally gassed. And who can blame them? They're on the field for like 40 minutes out of 60. D'Jimbo comments that the 'Boys are running on all cylinders. Terrifying but true. I am displeased by this notion. Finally, the Lions game, which had gone to overtime with all 10 turnovers ends in a field goal for the Lions. And D'Jimbo has finally, after over 2 years of watching football at BB, seen his Lions win while at BB. The Curse is over! Hooray! Meanwhile, Chris is happy to get out of KC with a win. We all agree that Wrecks must have nudie pictures of Lovie Smith at a gay bar because there's no other way that he could possibly still be the starting quarterback. We then head over to Krispy Kreme for a Victory donut. I get one because I'm along for the ride and Jim is paying. Mmmm... powdered strawberry filled donut... (cue drooling noises).

Back home for the next game...

San Diego at New England:
I hate the Patriots. I hate that everyone holds them up as paragons of good management (which is true) and how they make a phenomanal team out of average players. And now Spygate! Hooray! Donovan McNabb joked with the press that the only thing the Eagles can now do is go out and "get our ring back." I know he's kidding, but dammit thats funny. However, within 10 minutes, the game becomes boring because the Chargers just look like they are being outplayed. Well, I'm done with this game. Time for Madden! Madden on a 50" 1080p TV is a glorious thing. I still can't believe I bought this thing and actually have it in my living room now. The box even says "The centerpiece of your home." And boy howdy is it ever! So long as you have a line-of-sight to my living room, you can see the TV from every room in the apartment. I cruise through the playoffs and the Superbowl and finally do all my offseason stuff, which includes bumping up the difficulty. I then switch back to the Patriots game and see that the game is now a rout. Well fuckstick. This just goes to prove that the Patriots don't need to cheat to win. Either that or it shows that the team is just more creative at cheating and haven't been caught yet. Yeah, thats it. They're still cheating. Sons of bitches. Give me back my Superbowl ring! You stole Superbowl XXXIX! Time to watch Heroes. And football day ends.

All in all, I'd have to say that the best game of the day easily went to the Browns and Bengals. High scoring, upset victory, and a total "holy crap, wait what the fuck is happening?" combined with cute girls made hot by sports knowledge and football jerseys. And yet, I still feel a little sadness over the day.

Fucking Jamal Lewis...


I have decided that every week, my office fantasy team name will be a different horrible sexual Urban Dictionary Term. Week 2's term? The Cleveland Steamer. For those who don't know, the Cleveland Steamer is characterized by taking a dump on a womans chest and then titty fucking her. I will keep you all updated on my fantasy team names and their definitions as the season progresses.


Edmund Dantes said...

Man, okay so in my previous post I discussed fictional girls. These football girls were unreal. Next door isn't quite right description. Think attractive girl in your office type and she can and will talk football really well+jersey. ha my blood pressure was high. I really wanted to talk to jack ass and his girlfriend who really shouldn't yell things about football around fans....I almost was waiting for her to ask for a free throw in football. YOU STARTED MICHAEL BENNET OVER JAMAL LEWIS.

Mike said...

Lots of people like sports teams they aren't geographically close to. If anything it makes them better fans, because we aren't surrounded by people like us.

Also you suck

also Also, go Eagles